thoughts from the deep recesses

I read this statement somewhere earlier this month and it hit me profoundly. Maybe because I have had a tendency for much of my life to want to rush time. That is until about ten years ago, when the whirlwind of my kid's growing-up seemed to be going at breakneck speed and I realized my years with them at home were limited. But this year, it seems even more poignant.  You see, I have a new appreciation for living in the moment, post-Camino. Probably the most valuable skill I learned while out there pounding the path, one kilometer at a time, was enjoying the moment I was in. On the Camino, there was no point looking too far ahead. In fact, it was detrimental to my mental and emotional health to think beyond "How far am I going today?" And sometimes it was limited even more, to "You only have to get to the top of that hill..." or "Just to the next village." So now, upon my return (I just had my six month anniversary of my arrival home), ...

I have been saying for years that I want to write more. I even joined a couple of writing groups, and then frantically wrote something up each week right before it was time to go so I wouldn't look like a slacker. Clearly, it wasn't coming from a place of internal motivation. I still wrote some decent stuff, but it was a chore rather than a pleasure. Regardless, writing is still something I value and I would like to commit to it in 2020. So here goes. I love a good retrospective piece, particularly when timed along with the hanging of a new calendar. Entering a new decade makes it feel especially poignant this year. So here are some random reflections on the year: This was the year I quit a job that for years I had referred to as 'the best job in the world.' I had loved working for Weight Watchers for a full decade. In that time I discovered a skill set I had previously been unaware of. I unearthed a passion for inspiring others through the pursuit of my...

Every once in awhile, I hear a voice telling me to do something. Yesterday, it said “Help them.” I took an unusual route home from work yesterday, as I had a pile of bills I wanted to mail and had forgotten to swing by the post office that’s right next to work as I left. Ever lazy, I went to the only other drive up mailbox I could think of, which is downtown, and requires going around several blocks in a dizzying maze of one-way streets and leaves me heading the opposite direction of home when I’m done… But still. Drivethrough. So there I was, next to our lovely downtown mall on a sunny day and I noticed a couple cross the street in front of me. Dreadlocks. Guitar. Black hat. Tattoos. Dog. “Help them.” This has happened before. I drove forward as the light turned green and they kept going down the block in the opposite direction. I had the usual argument with myself:  “I have to work.” “They might be dangerous.” “What could I possibly do?” And then I swung around t...

Yesterday was the first Sunday of Advent. I feel my faith very deeply. I always have. I have a personal relationship with the baby Jesus and I love Him intensely. But yesterday I found myself angsty and upset and lost. I am in a wilderness of sorts lately with my relationship with church. And even with Christianity, I guess. Because what most people think of as 'Christian' in our current society, I don't want to be identified with. Right-wing. Kim Davis approving. Refugee fearing. Planned Parenthood attacking. Hypocritical. Bible thumping. Hateful. Closed-minded. Self assured and sanctimonious. And church... well that's another thing. I wouldn't call my past church any of those things. But I find myself lost at church as well... feeling so 'over' the politics and the effort of the modern church to try to stay relevant in today's culture. I feel like so many progressive churches are trying so hard to be cool and edgy that I don't...

This is the longest I have ever gone without posting on my blog. I have no explanation, except to say that I have occasionally opened up a blank page to write and then clicked the "X" in the upper right hand corner and walked away. It just wasn't time to write, I guess. This is the first year since 1992 that I am working full time - and that's been quite an adjustment for me. Finding balance and time for myself has been a challenge - and then prioritizing how I spend that time once I get it - well, I'm still figuring that out. To be honest - there's not really a lack of time. I have loads of time compared to when the kids were little. But knowing myself and what brings me solace and nourishment for my soul, I was somehow propelled away from blogging and into a more private and quiet space. But today, I feel compelled to put something on the page. I'm not sure what will come out, but I'm determined to hit the publish button. There have been ...

Waves of change sweep over me disturbing the delicate balance erected over years of false security held together by tradition heritage expectation. Those strong stalwart words that blow so easily away at the slightest crack. Revealing betrayal secrets testing carelessness. What I thought was is not. I cannot begin to adjust my sails. I am breathless, the wind knocked clean out of my heart and I gasp. Hollow chest slowly fills again with holy Breath. Peace in the crest of the swell. I still fear where the wave will land, but I ride it knowing I will not drown. I worship because It is all I know for sure. I will live in the pain - experience it fully knowing there is Promise in it. There is nothing I can control. But I know that knowledge is the beginning of true Peace. The fullness of Life comes when we feel dead.