I have no explanation, except to say that I have occasionally opened up a blank page to write and then clicked the "X" in the upper right hand corner and walked away.
It just wasn't time to write, I guess.
This is the first year since 1992 that I am working full time - and that's been quite an adjustment for me. Finding balance and time for myself has been a challenge - and then prioritizing how I spend that time once I get it - well, I'm still figuring that out.
To be honest - there's not really a lack of time. I have loads of time compared to when the kids were little. But knowing myself and what brings me solace and nourishment for my soul, I was somehow propelled away from blogging and into a more private and quiet space.
But today, I feel compelled to put something on the page. I'm not sure what will come out, but I'm determined to hit the publish button.
There have been many times I've paused in the past six months just to absorb and wrap my head around the milestones and reality of this life:
- I have two adult children and one quickly winding down his last few years at home.
- Having adult children can be really hard - not because there's anything wrong, but because it's difficult to pull back and let them make choices on their own - with real life consequences that are completely out of my control
- My husband turned 50. Wait, what?
- I work. A lot. I sit at a computer and oversee stuff. And I travel. Quite a bit sometimes. On business. With a briefcase.
- My home is starting to take on that tired look of a home that has been lived in by the same family for 16 years. Projects that we did soon after we moved in (just the other day!) now need to be redone. It feels overwhelming. And sometimes now I can understand how people just leave things as is, even if it's tired and dated, because it's easier. I can't imagine finding the time for these projects.
- I have a backyard I love. After dreaming and wishing and planning and procuring and hiring and paying... I love everything about my outdoor space. It has comfy places to sit, and flowers, and blueberries and lettuce and tomatoes and a fire table and a swing and twinkly lights.
- I still struggle/fight/work really hard at being healthy and choosing healthy living. Parts of it are much, much easier than they used to be. And parts of it I am working to figure out. I'm proud of the fact that I haven't given up on this. And I'm discovering (still) the freedom that comes from truly owning my choices. It's ongoing. And good. And hard.
- Sierra Leone. My heart longs to go back. I'm so thankful for technology that allows me to talk to Tejan often. He is also growing up and living as a young adult - making choices on his own and living more independently. I'm so, so proud of him and excited for his future. I'm so honored to be his mom. I'll never take for granted the tremendous privilege it is to have had the opportunity to love and support him all these years.
Thanks for reading, friends. I'm always amazed that anyone has any interest in my musings... and yet it warms my heart to hear from you. Smooches, all.