She told people she didn't like change, when actually no change at all was one of her biggest fears.
In response to that, she did her best to push back against expectations and settling. Leaning into tension and uncertainty and questions felt safer than a cocoon of sameness. And yet - she confused even herself because while her surroundings seldom changed, her heart was forever pulled this way and that...
As she got older, she found her salvation didn't center on who she was or what she did but instead, it was all about Grace. And so she was able to stop performing/striving/being and simply exhale who she was created to be.
As she stopped pursuing the things she used to think would bring her happiness, she found everything she'd ever longed for.
Often, she found herself marveling at the sheer beauty of the messy, broken people He brought to her. What an amazing privilege to hold a crying friend. To comfort a lost and damaged soul. To parent an orphan. How did she ever come to deserve this place of honor? It was beyond words. She couldn't describe the incredible gift it was to witness people laid bare and vulnerable - trusting and open to receive whatever she could offer as a vessel of the great Comforter.
And yet - there would also always be the struggle of her own weaknesses. Her contemplative, broodish tendancy toward self-absorbtion could work against her... often she found she was torn between needing time alone and making time for others. A thorn of sorts, she knew she would likely always struggle with this dichotomy.