thoughts from the deep recesses

  "Siri, play John Mayer..." This is a go-to phrase when I feel overwhelmed by the shuffle-god's choice of music. I immediately want it to stop in favor of something familiar and safe. Today after I asked for my old friend to serenade me I heard these lyrics:  "No, I'm not color blind I know the world is black and white I try to keep an open mind But I just can't sleep on this, tonight Stop this train I want to get off and go home again I can't take the speed it's moving in I know I can't But, honestly, won't someone stop this train?" What an appropriate reprise for my mood today.  I've seen many, many 2020 memes. Most of them make me laugh. A Facebook friend posted yesterday on his wall "I forget - which plague is next?" We try to make light of an absolutely life-sucking year. It's an old defense mechanism with which I'm well-familiar. But occasionally something happens that isn't laughable. A friend from the Ca...

I read this statement somewhere earlier this month and it hit me profoundly. Maybe because I have had a tendency for much of my life to want to rush time. That is until about ten years ago, when the whirlwind of my kid's growing-up seemed to be going at breakneck speed and I realized my years with them at home were limited. But this year, it seems even more poignant.  You see, I have a new appreciation for living in the moment, post-Camino. Probably the most valuable skill I learned while out there pounding the path, one kilometer at a time, was enjoying the moment I was in. On the Camino, there was no point looking too far ahead. In fact, it was detrimental to my mental and emotional health to think beyond "How far am I going today?" And sometimes it was limited even more, to "You only have to get to the top of that hill..." or "Just to the next village." So now, upon my return (I just had my six month anniversary of my arrival home), ...

I have been saying for years that I want to write more. I even joined a couple of writing groups, and then frantically wrote something up each week right before it was time to go so I wouldn't look like a slacker. Clearly, it wasn't coming from a place of internal motivation. I still wrote some decent stuff, but it was a chore rather than a pleasure. Regardless, writing is still something I value and I would like to commit to it in 2020. So here goes. I love a good retrospective piece, particularly when timed along with the hanging of a new calendar. Entering a new decade makes it feel especially poignant this year. So here are some random reflections on the year: This was the year I quit a job that for years I had referred to as 'the best job in the world.' I had loved working for Weight Watchers for a full decade. In that time I discovered a skill set I had previously been unaware of. I unearthed a passion for inspiring others through the pursuit of my...

Every once in awhile, I hear a voice telling me to do something. Yesterday, it said “Help them.” I took an unusual route home from work yesterday, as I had a pile of bills I wanted to mail and had forgotten to swing by the post office that’s right next to work as I left. Ever lazy, I went to the only other drive up mailbox I could think of, which is downtown, and requires going around several blocks in a dizzying maze of one-way streets and leaves me heading the opposite direction of home when I’m done… But still. Drivethrough. So there I was, next to our lovely downtown mall on a sunny day and I noticed a couple cross the street in front of me. Dreadlocks. Guitar. Black hat. Tattoos. Dog. “Help them.” This has happened before. I drove forward as the light turned green and they kept going down the block in the opposite direction. I had the usual argument with myself:  “I have to work.” “They might be dangerous.” “What could I possibly do?” And then I swung around t...

Yesterday was the first Sunday of Advent. I feel my faith very deeply. I always have. I have a personal relationship with the baby Jesus and I love Him intensely. But yesterday I found myself angsty and upset and lost. I am in a wilderness of sorts lately with my relationship with church. And even with Christianity, I guess. Because what most people think of as 'Christian' in our current society, I don't want to be identified with. Right-wing. Kim Davis approving. Refugee fearing. Planned Parenthood attacking. Hypocritical. Bible thumping. Hateful. Closed-minded. Self assured and sanctimonious. And church... well that's another thing. I wouldn't call my past church any of those things. But I find myself lost at church as well... feeling so 'over' the politics and the effort of the modern church to try to stay relevant in today's culture. I feel like so many progressive churches are trying so hard to be cool and edgy that I don't...

This is the longest I have ever gone without posting on my blog. I have no explanation, except to say that I have occasionally opened up a blank page to write and then clicked the "X" in the upper right hand corner and walked away. It just wasn't time to write, I guess. This is the first year since 1992 that I am working full time - and that's been quite an adjustment for me. Finding balance and time for myself has been a challenge - and then prioritizing how I spend that time once I get it - well, I'm still figuring that out. To be honest - there's not really a lack of time. I have loads of time compared to when the kids were little. But knowing myself and what brings me solace and nourishment for my soul, I was somehow propelled away from blogging and into a more private and quiet space. But today, I feel compelled to put something on the page. I'm not sure what will come out, but I'm determined to hit the publish button. There have been ...

Waves of change sweep over me disturbing the delicate balance erected over years of false security held together by tradition heritage expectation. Those strong stalwart words that blow so easily away at the slightest crack. Revealing betrayal secrets testing carelessness. What I thought was is not. I cannot begin to adjust my sails. I am breathless, the wind knocked clean out of my heart and I gasp. Hollow chest slowly fills again with holy Breath. Peace in the crest of the swell. I still fear where the wave will land, but I ride it knowing I will not drown. I worship because It is all I know for sure. I will live in the pain - experience it fully knowing there is Promise in it. There is nothing I can control. But I know that knowledge is the beginning of true Peace. The fullness of Life comes when we feel dead.

I've not blogged in ages. Sometimes I'm just out of words - or maybe struggling to formulate them - or not sure what I want to share, or how much. Asia always accuses me of living my life really un-privately, on Facebook and with my blog... but there are plenty of things I hold onto, until the time is right. So perhaps I'm just in a more private space lately. Needing more time to process and work through my thoughts in a different way. But today, the first day of the new year that I have any quiet and space to actually write (yay for husbands back to work and kids back to school!) I want to document. And share. I've done a lot of crazy things over the years, inspired by the new year. Some have been wildly successful, and others, not so much. So I always approach a new year carefully, asking myself what it is I'd like to accomplish. How I'd like to change. What I might want to tackle. And this year, I read a quote on Pinterest that caught my eye: ...

I've been thinking about Community a lot lately. It's a pretty popular word in my circles. com mu ni ty    [k uh - myoo -ni-tee] /kəˈmyu nɪ ti/                                                   noun , plural communities. 1. a social group of any size whose members reside in a specific locality, share government, and often have a common cultural and historical heritage. 2. a locality inhabited by such a group. 3. a social, religious, occupational, or other group sharing common characteristics or interests and perceived or perceiving itself as distinct in some respect from the larger society within which it exists (usually ...

With the past weekend and it's extra hour behind me, it feels fitting to write about time today... specifically, about how I spend my time. How we spend our time. It seems our culture is one where time gets away from us... where we wonder 'where the time went' or complain that we 'don't have time.' News flash. People around the world all have the same amount of time. One of my favorite things about being in Sierra Leone is the difference in the perception of time. In the States, we value efficiency to a fault. How much can I get done in as little time as possible? In Sierra Leone, they value relationships. So what I accomplish there takes second place to who I've been with... the conversations I've had... the love I've shown. I can't begin to say I've brought that value home and implemented it perfectly into my life here. But I can say I'm learning. Learning to rest. Learning to value peace and calm. Learning to let my prioriti...

(A series on how we dispense ourselves, our resources and our time.) Lately a common theme has arisen in my thought life and my conversations. A thread that keeps pulling loose, demanding my attention. Like a phone call that needs to be returned, or a bill that has to be paid, I have this nagging, underlying discourse running through my mind, impacting me with a persistence that demands attention. How am I spending? My money. My time. My life. My body. My relationships. My reserves. My thoughts. My devotion. My energy. It's a deep, deep well, this thought pattern I'm working through. I hesitate to pull up a bucket from this well and spill it out because I fear a flood of consequences I'm not sure I'm ready for. But in my experience with how God works in my life, when I feel a profound, almost burning need to explore something, it's in my best interest to take the leap... to trust. To expose the vulnerability I feel and lean on the Promise tha...

I think sometimes when we hear the news of faraway places, it's hard to care.   I understand. I do the same thing...   But the current news about Ebola and the potential it has to wipe out a whole generation of people in West Africa hits VERY close to home for me... for obvious reasons.   Today I want to introduce you to just a small sampling of my loved ones there and ask you to pray not only for them, but for their country and region.   Ebola isn't just a disease in a far off land... it's a disease that's just miles away from these beautiful people who are in my heart and on my mind every day. This sweet little girl on the left is named Cecilia. Her mother was our cook while we were in Banta this trip. Cecelia is a little shy, but has the most beautiful smile. Aminata is a beautiful, statuesque young woman who is waiting to take her senior secondary school exams and hoping to go on to university after the Ebola outbreak ends ...

In 2011 when we went as a family to Sierra Leone, they had just gotten this amazing machine... which takes the beautiful, plentiful red dirt and creates bricks. At that time, they were building some new classrooms for the Mallory Jansen Memorial School - the onsite school where not only the 93 Children's Home kids attend, but roughly 600 children from surrounding villages. Since we went last time, they've built two guest houses, a senior staff housing building, a staff home for long term international staff, a store for the kids to buy things and more classrooms. All from those beautiful red bricks... Currently, work is progressing on a remote school in the village of Mokpangumba, a warehouse, and a brand new secondary school. You can read more about that school in this incredible article: Mokpangumba School We had the privilege of seeing the kids pitch in on one of their last days of school to carry bricks to the new secondary school site. Our son, Spengy, told us he ...