So I went out to dinner with some girlfriends last night to celebrate a birthday. Thing was, there was one girlfriend missing - our dear Betsey who recently moved to Illinois. Add to that the fact that I recently was allowed into the inner sanctum of this group of girls, and it was an akward night. I felt like everyone was thinking (subconciously because of course, these are all very sweet women) that I was a terrible replacement for Betsey. Where were her trademark funny stories, her mixed metaphors, her wise and careful word of advice? Nowhere to be found - especially not coming from me.
I wanted for so long to become a good friend to these women. Watched their friendships and was envious of their familiarity, their laughter, their care for each other. I was new - on the outside - invited occasionally, but never considered essential. Now I realize I may never be... although they include me more, I will never have the same depth of relationships with them that they have with each other. Somehow, I don't have what it takes.
So where does that leave me? Six years after moving here, I have no great girlfriends. I have lots of acquaintances, but no one who depends on me, and no one on whom I depend. My heart is very fragile in this area - I LONG for the kinds of relationships I've had in the past. I know I need to depend on God for fulfillment in this - to depend on His comfort, His love and His sustenance when I feel alone. I need to trust His provision in this area. AND, I need to take the focus off myself and reach out to women regardless of whether I feel my needs are being met. All of that sounds great - but in my reality, I fail miserably. Instead, I have pity parties.
Perhaps friends are an idol for me.
I am thankful Asia who listens and loves me and tells me all the time that I have tons to offer. Even when I feel there must be something terribly wrong with me, he builds me up. He is truly my best friend, as it should be... but still, I would LOVE to have a dear girlfriend here to love on...