Friday, November 18, 2005

Umm, did you lose your underwear?

Last night the kids and I went out for dinner. I had some leftover lasagna, but haven't found a place to plug in the microwave... going out is more fun anyway. (For now at least. I'm sure in a couple of weeks we'll be really sick out it.)

After a lovely dinner, (I had a grilled turkey sandwich with cream cheese, cranberry sauce and the most delicious chutney... it was TO DIE FOR) we decided to wander the downtown mall for awhile. I wanted to check out the dishes at Pottery Barn, since of course I have to get new dishes for my new kitchen. I also wanted to look at Restoration Hardware and see if they had any light fixtures that were less than $300 and would be perfect for my kitchen. Nope. Well, they had one that would be perfect. But it was a long way from being less than $300. I think I knew that would be the case, but I was hoping for a sale or something. Oh well, the search continues.

While there, we discovered that they had their stocking stuffers out. If you've never been to Restoration Hardware, they manage to find the coolest retro toys - stuff we all played with as kids and usually have completely forgotten about until we see it sitting there on the shelf. Last night, it was a set of blocks with face parts on them that you turn and rotate and make a million different faces. I know I played with a set of these when I was a kid, but the memory is so vague. I think it was at my Grandma Young's house, but I can't be sure. It was so nostalgic for me to play with them... and the kids loved them - I had to buy a set.

While we were playing with the gadgets and toys, K. found an umbrella with tons of bells and whistles. Not only did the handle extend when you pushed a button, if you pushed it again, the whole umbrella opened up. He thought it was so cool. He must have played with it for five minutes.

After awhile though, he started driving me crazy.

So - I said the magic Mommy words -
"You're going to break that - put it down!"

No sooner had the words come out of my mouth, than he pushed the button one last time - and the whole top section of the umbrella popped up and flew fifteen feet across the room. K. was left holding the handle with a big long spring dangling out of it, bouncing rebelliously side-to-side like some smashed up clock in a Looney Tunes cartoon. His eyes about popped out of his head and he ran immediately over to where the top had landed to see if he could fix it. I tried to ignore him, at first thinking good mommy thoughts:

"Well, I hope he's learned his lesson..."

But then the image of the umbrella flying through the air hit me and I lost it. Not just a little, mind you. I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe - with great tears running down my cheeks. S. and E. thought I was crazy - they hadn't seen any of it.

So there was K, over in the corner frantically trying to fix the projectile umbrella, S. and E. asking over and over again, "What's so funny, Mommy?" and me - totally trying to regain some composure and stop laughing.

I know K. was relieved that I wasn't mad... but I still made him explain to the sales clerk what happened. She probably thought I was finding it altogether too funny, since I could barely hear him tell the story without totally losing it again. What kind of Mom lets her kids break things and then laughs with them about it? Well, I guess that would be me.

Honestly, he didn't do it on purpose, and if their umbrellas are going to malfunction in that manner, they really should be recalled or whatever. You could put someone's eye out with that.

We came home around 8:00, just in time for the kids to get jammies on and read for awhile before bed. Gracie was thrilled to have us home - and more than thrilled because we've started letting her come in the living room regularly now that the kitchen really isn't inhabitable. She even ventured back into the bedrooms a couple of times. (Not really my preference, but at this point, I'm picking my battles. I can teach her to stay out of the bedrooms when life settles down.) I was checking my email, and she was running back and forth between the kids' rooms while they were all snug in their beds, reading.

The routine went something like this:
Gracie runs to a bedroom... Pause.... One of the kids yells, "Gracie, NO!"... Gracie comes running out with some off-limits toy, or article of clothing, or garbage, or whatever she can get her lips around fast enough to escape with it. She lays down to chew her latest treasure, I lay down the laptop, take the item from her and return it to the appropriate bedroom.

I know I should probably have stopped this little game after one or two times. But I was tired. So back and forth she went.

Eventually the kids stopped paying attention, and I got tired of getting up and down, so Gracie just started making a little pile of her prized stolen goods... she was in heaven. I paid her little mind, until I looked down and saw her chewing on some sort of fabric item I didn't recognize. It looked like underwear. Now, I really don't want the dog to ruin things, and especially clothes, so I got up off the couch. She, of course, knew my intent - so after chasing her around the coffee table three times, I was able to snatch the mystery item out of her mouth.

It was underwear. Ladies underwear. But.not.mine.

I've never seen these underwear before in my life. They're cotton - they're striped. I've never owned a pair of cotton, striped underwear.

I called my husband.

Now, you must know. I trust Asia implicitly. He values faithfulness as much as I do. He is a good husband who loves Jesus and who does the right thing when it comes to family.

The first words out of my mouth?

"You left a pair of your girlfriend's underwear somewhere and Gracie found them."

He laughed a great guffawing belly laugh - a good sign.

So, we're left with a strange pair of underwear that apparently appeared out of nowhere. I don't even know in which room she found them - the kids didn't notice anything...

How freaking weird is that?

I'm fairly certain Asia's girlfriend would wear nicer underwear than these, if he had one. I know I would if I were having an affair with a married man. These are totally 'been married a long time and I'm going to wear comfortable, functional Hanes her Way underwear' underwear. Not 'gonna impress my new lover with my best Victoria's Secrets' underwear.

But if they're not from the imaginary girlfriend - where the heck did they come from?

We'll probably never know.

It sure makes for a great blog entry though.

And a great story to laugh about...

I needed that last night.

Dontcha just love a good, out of control laugh?


  1. Anonymous10:27 AM

    I hate ordinary.... the house we moved in had the "builder spec'ed" light fixtures. SOOOO ordinary. I love the Restoration Hardware too but find for the most part, too much $$$. I was looking around Home Depot and stumbled across their special order catalog and was pleasantly surprised that I could find something I liked for not a ton of $.
    The underwear story remind me of when I was dating my husband, I was over at his house and saw a note he wrote that had a girls name and phone # on it. I asked him.... "Who's Bev?" He says.... "What?" so I asked him again... same response from him.... then he ask me ... "what are you talking about?" I showed him the note.... he started laughing.... He says...."that says BEN!"
    Thanks for the laugh today.

  2. I laughed so hard!!
    Gracie might've found the underwear in the torn-up places of your kitchen, and sprung 'em on you as a surprise. You wouldn't believe the stuff you find while doing reno work!

  3. Cath,
    What a riot. You cracked me up. I couldn't stop laughing.
    We are going out with friends tonight. I think todays blog might be some good entertainment across the dinner table.

  4. This reminds me of the time my grandma found a very large pair of ladies underwear in her house. They determined that it was from the cleaning lady who was old and senile and they only kept her on because she needed a little money. They think her underwear may have just fallen off while she was cleaning. She always wore mumu type dresses and I'm sure the elastic was well worn. My Grandma would laugh so hard when she would tell the story and your story made me laugh out loud thinking of it.
    Maybe they came from a family member visiting, but how can your mother claim them now after you described them so unattractively?
    PS I would trust Asia too!

  5. Lorraine6:17 PM

    OK, stop it. Those could be mine. What EXACTLY did they look like? The reason I suspect is that Rogan chewed many a Carson pair in his day. Maybe it's just a family thing. Anyway, I hope they aren't mine but I do like striped undies.

    By the way, Gracie is looking huge already. Yowza!

    We are having company too tonight. I'll be sure and NOT tell about the undies to them.

  6. Ya know... just when I thought I'd heard it all, I read your blog and it just keeps getting better. How can I be fair if I have to present the Best Entry of the Week Award to you AGAIN? Your entries leave me laughing out loud. Partially, because of the Gracie stories... been there, done that with Buddy. But moreso because you are freaking hilarious. I so want to be your best friend, next door neighbor, adopted sister sort of friend. I'm guessing the Hanes Her Way came from the contractor's bag of tricks... he probably had them in his tool box or something weird like that. You never know. The contractor guy who finished my basement had a thing for towels. He stole one towel a day for over a week. Why? I'll never know. They were hand towels, for crying out loud. Who needs 10 used hand towels?

  7. Christine - we did find some great stuff in the kitchen wall - an old hand mirror and some letters and bills from 1959... it was really cool. But underwear? I don't know about that...

    Mom - I thought maybe they were yours... guess not since you're not claiming them. You'll have to tell me how the guests like the story.

    Mindy - what a cute story - I can just imagine your grandma telling it. Mumus are just bad. Anything that would allow for your underwear to just fall off is bad.

    Lorraine - Hanes Her Way - with a boyish elastic on top - purple and white and brownish small stripes. Sound familiar? The thing I can't figure out is how nobody noticed them for all this time. Where the heck could they have come from?

    Kelly - You made me feel WONDERFUL with your comment tonight. Thanks, friend. I don't think I can take credit for the crazy things that happen to me... I'm just tellin' in like it is.

    I'll be sure and ask the contractor... yeah, right!

  8. Gracie must have found the package I sent you... That was a great post, Cath. VERY funny. It would have been funnier had the umbrella poked somebody's eye out, though, don'tcha think? =o) xo

  9. Lorraine said, "We are having company too tonight. I'll be sure and NOT tell about the undies to them."

    FYI: Lorraine did tell the story.

  10. Kelly - I'm SO glad it didn't hit anyone... sure, it would have been funny, but honestly - it flew with quite a bit of force... K. would have felt terrible.

    Steve - I almost feel famous, with all this dinner talk about my blog. Of course, it's pretty pathetic that it took unidentified underwear to make me famous...

  11. Anonymous1:23 PM

    They were NOT mine as I am not a Hanes gal and the subject of blogs came up so that's why it got leaked. Sorry. I think I just wanted to shock them cuz they are so conservative.

  12. Lorraine1:24 PM

    Oops, that last comment was mine. Forgot my name.

  13. corey5:01 PM

    So SO so funny!!! Got to thinking that some of the most embarassing moments of my life happened with you - the bust a gut moments with tears in the eyes. Glad to know that you are still having those moments and thanks for sharing them with us all. I laughed such a great belly sweet.

  14. Don't look at me ! - They are certainly not mine. I have never had a pair of cotton panties in my life. Unless it was when I was a little girl. I think someone must have hid them in the wall somehow and when they tore the wall out Gracie found them.
    What else will she fine ??


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