Friday, November 03, 2006

Oh dear.

I'm feeling like this new sort of busy is going to be the standard for my life... like somehow there's been this huge paradigm shift in my days. That as my kids get older, the way I spend my days cannot ever look the same as it used to...

Lately I've been nostalgic for the preschool years... when the kids and I were home all day and the big decisions were about what to have for snack and whether one more half-hour tv show was going to permanently damage their little developing brains... and when I could bake cookies and give chocolate chips to little sticky fingers...

I know I'm romanticizing.

But this world I live in now, with this brain that is so full of information and lists and things to remember is much harder to live with. It's way more challenging than dirty diapers and temper tantrums and cut-up peaches on a high chair tray.

I just want to sit on the couch with chubby toddlers and read 'Little Bear' books.

I don't want to think about the school newspaper and the huge fundraiser I'm a committee member for and the need to firm up my class schedule for the next trimester (scheduling myself into next April.)

I don't want my eldest to go to junior high next year.

Or turn twelve in less than two months.

I don't want my baby to lose that second top tooth and have the famous toothless grin of a first grader, because that means his big, awkward permanent teeth are on their way and he's never going to have that sweet baby toothed smile again.

I'm not sure why this year is so much harder than last. I don't think our schedules are that much different.

It's just that this year I feel a little more out-of-control.

More in-demand.

More like I'm forgetting little details because there are so many big details to work out and my brain can only hold so much.

This morning E. went to pack his lunch and we discovered that he hadn't cleaned out his lunch box from yesterday. And he'd left an open tupperware container with bbq sauce in it in there. It was a sticky mess, and he was upset. I went in the kitchen to help him with it, and I was thrilled to take it from him and clean it up. I kept thinking 'this is why kids need Moms.' And I loved being the Mom and making his lunch box good as new. As I did it, it felt like this big, profound action...

I guess it's because my kids don't need me in that way very often anymore.

They need me to run them places.

And to get their favorite pants clean.

And to pay half for the pair of Heeleys they've been saving for.

But they don't need me to rescue them from life's little messes - like spilt milk.

Or broken toys.

Or scary dreams.

I'm more of a taxi service and less of a nurturer.

And there's a lot less warm fuzzies associated with this new job description.

And so I'm feeling a little disposed.

And I'm not sure how to remedy that.

I think a good cry might be in order.

And then I'll deal with the school newspaper.

I'll serve my kids in this much less rewarding, not snuggly at all way.

And I'll do it with a happy heart.

I think.

I'll try, at least.

I guess this is just another little adjustment.

Another change.

Another place to grow.

I just wasn't expecting it....

Life's hard sometimes.

Thanks for sharing the journey with me.

6 comments:

  1. Hmm. It's so interesting how when you're looking back at the toddler years, it's easy to long for it, but when you're living through it, it's nice somedays to wish them away. I'll try to enjoy this season more since what you wrote is so touching, heartfelt and real.
    But I can still look forward to diaperless days, right??

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  2. I remember soaking up moments when the boys were little because a Mom of older boys had told me to (while she looked longinly at their sticky fingers).

    You wrote exactly what I have been feeling about this paradigm shift in my life (of course school complicates it and I blame it sometimes). The true shift for me has been the 11 year old and the "baby" in school all day. I would probably cry more if I thought about it more.

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  3. I promise to take time and enjoy
    I promise not to long for the future
    I promise to love being so needed.
    thanks for the reminder.

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  4. Hi Cathy,
    I am Corey´s friend Leana. I was farfromhome on the epic website. I just wanted to let you know that we are in the midst of adopting a little 2 year old girl. While the paperwork is being done she is allowed to be with us. She came home with us on Wednesday. So I have turned into a mom to a toddler overnight. We are very excited. It was great to read your blog today as we begin this journey. I want to enjoy every minute as it will pass by quickly. It is always a pleasure to read your blogs.
    Blessings, Leana

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  5. Lorraine4:25 PM

    Cathy,
    You are transitioning to the 2nd phase of parenting life as I see it...
    1st: Parent
    2nd: Parent/Friend
    3rd: Friend/Parent
    4th: Friend
    I'm in the third phase. No matter how you look at it each phase transition is hard but we must treasure each one for what it is, eh? Tough but good. And, believe me, they DO still need you.

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  6. Tawnya6:07 PM

    so thankful for your little reminders... so often in the everydays we forget that it is RIGHT NOW that we have and we should do all we can with it... grasp the moment

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