Monday, August 27, 2007

On my knees.

God,
I am exhausted.

Change is hard.

Even when I know I'm in exactly the right place. This place you've chosen for me.

It's good to obey, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

This first day with Tejan has been such a roller coaster for me.

First of all, he is everything I ever dreamed. Funny. Adorable. A little guarded. A little shy. A lot overwhelmed. And fully one of the bravest people I've ever met.

He is also stubborn. And a little messy. And demanding in the way most children can be.

Having him with us all day has worn me out.

And I'm reeling with the reality of caring for him.

And feeling wholly inadaquate.

Who was I to think I could offer him anything? This boy who has lost so much and who so clearly relies on You for strength... he is the one teaching me.

He has so little in this world. And yet he has joy. And laughter. And an amazingly strong sense of his place in the world.

Me? I have everything. Two cars. A huge house. Good health.
Yet I complain. And whine. And I want more.

All he wants is chicken. And rice. Three meals a day.

So simple.

I am humbled beyond understanding and disgusted with myself.

In the midst of my horror over my selfishness, you have shown me the blessing of my own three children - who have amazed me more in the past 24 hours than I ever imagined possible. Their selfless giving to Tejan is a clear testimony to your work in their hearts. They have been so attentive. And generous. And thoughtful. I am blown away by them. I am honored to know them.

Thank you.

Give me strength, Lord. For I am tired. And I feel such a burden to provide - although now, in listening, I think perhaps I need to relax. And let You continue to provide. I need to take a step back and embrace the simple needs I can meet. Chicken. Rice. A warm bed. A smiling face each morning.

Because I am not going to save the continent of Africa through my mothering of this one child.

Forgive my pride.

I'm not sure what I'm doing here. But it is with complete conviction that I stand in this place.

Wholly imperfect.
Small in understanding.
Big with hope.

Use this flawed soft spot in my heart for Africa.

And I will give YOU the glory.
For I deserve none of it.

Amen.

4 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:31 AM

    What a wonderful place you are in. Hard, yes. Tiring, yes. But isn't obedience the best "place" to be. You will pour your life and soul into this little boy who has missed so much in his life. God knows what you are going through and He sees, and He thinks that you are amazing to do this giving-selfless thing. I know that all you may want is rest, but God is so proud of you. Have a wonderful day!

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  2. Cathy, you are giving more to Tejan then you will probably ever realize. I think it will get easier too. Hang in there, I'm praying for you.

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  3. Hey friend,
    This is a great place to start...in humility and brokenness. Good you got there on day one.You are in my morning prayers daily. I will keep the 12 as a special prayer day. What kind of surgery is he having and how much recovery time? Definitely you are being stretched and transformed.Always hard, but there is no better place to be. Just lean on Jesus. Love you.

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  4. This post brought tars to my eyes. BEing stretched can be so hard. God IS using you. We're so proud of you, it's not easy to give of yourself. Love this about you. ANd that you share your heart so openely.

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