Sunday, January 20, 2008

I really need to be doing something.

But I felt the need to write.

Lots going through this little brain today.

So much to think about, really.

And so I want to write. Because I process really well when I write. I'm a "write-to-think" kind of gal.

Asia and I were at a Marriage Mentor's retreat for the weekend. Which was boringly similar to a Pre-Marriage Enrichment we attended a year or so ago (so we could see what couples we would mentor had been through...) So it was a little long. And repetitive. But I'm not complaining, because I got to sit in the back with my love (he always has to sit in the back because his back bothers him and he needs to get up and stand often) and we wrote notes and whispered. Totally juvenille. But fun, nonetheless. I promise we were not disruptive. And it was at a Catholic retreat center with lots of religious icons and nuns and devout seminarians walking around and very simple, monastic surroundings. Somehow, it was just what I needed.

Tejan spent the weekend with friends from church. This afternoon he is with some other friends. Tomorrow he spends the day with a friend from school. He's a busy little boy - with everyone wanting to spend one last day - or afternoon - or something - with him before he goes. But he is struggling... I can see his sadness. I've been so focused on my own sadness, that before today I hadn't fully considered all the goodbyes he has to go through. He has to say goodbye to every friend he's made here. And there are so many. It's going to be rough.

I'm making a conscious decision though. I'm going to choose to walk fully in the experience. To embrace the goodbyes. The tears. The sobs that well up from the depths. I'm not going to run from it. I'm going to espouse it. Grab it by the horns. Receive it. Stare it in the face and I'm not going to blink. Because it's a gift. And I'm going to open it each day and learn from it.

Because here's the deal. This is the stuff of life. Hellos and goodbyes and tears and smiles... it's all part of the journey. So even as I look to this impending grief, I will not shy away. I'm going to breathe deeply.

God brought me here.

And I'm going to walk in this experience completely.

And I am going to trust God to carry me through it.

The LORD will surely comfort Zion
and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing.

Isaiah 51:3

3 comments:

  1. I want to be like you when I grow up.

    Ever known flat people? Their emotional life is flat as a pancake. You've got highs and you've got lows.

    I ache for you, but I can't wish you to have anything else than what you're going through because these great emotional lows mean even more intense highs. And re-reading your blog is an adventure. because you are LIVING your life. Go girl!

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  2. Tawnya7:19 AM

    Wow Cathy... I need to be visiting and reading your blog way more often. I have been yearning for this kind of "soul-finding-searching-loving-amazing-humbling- etc" kinda of reading. You speak to me each and every time.

    I took so wish we lived nearby each other. I can only imagine how amazing that would be. Maybe we need to do a trip or something.

    Life has been a little overwhelming but you have truly made me smile. You make me REMEMBER, THINK, GRASP that I need Jesus to be #1.

    Thank you for all that you are in my life. Really. I am blessed by you! Love, Tawnya

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  3. My very dear friend, you have a lot of courage.
    I admire you.

    ReplyDelete

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