Friday, January 04, 2008

I write my heart.

I usually like to blog about happy things. Things that inspire and entertain and maybe make you laugh. But I also like to blog about my struggles and my fears and God's grace. Things may be weighted a little more heavily as I walk through the next few weeks... and if you're here for the entertainment, I apologize. If you don't know what to say, it's okay. You really don't have to say anything at all. But I want to continue the honest record of my life and my heart... so bear with me. It is what it is...

His
skinny
little
hand
slips
into
mine.

So tiny.

His hugs are small as well.
Almost as if there is nothing there to hold.

Like
hugging
a
flag
pole.

Almost as though my arms are empty.

Three to four and then back to three again.
How does one go back to three again?

Two years ago when I began praying for Africa, I had no idea that I was going to
eventually
send
my
heart
there
permanently...

that I would have to grieve like this...

It's so hard to talk about. And I hate that I'm such a relentless, morose whiner right now.

Because no one really knows what to say.
Even Asia seems at a loss for words.

I'm cherishing each moment, so you don't have to tell me to do that.

I'm taking it one day at a time.
I'm praying for strength.
I'm grateful for the opportunity.
I'm even grateful for the heartache.

But none of those things take away the hurt.

It's heart-rending, people.
Absolutely.
Overwhelming.

One of my children is going to go away to Africa in a few short weeks.

For always and ever.
FOR.ALWAYS.AND.EVER...

It may sound presumptuous to call him one of my children.

But I cannot explain the way God put him in my heart. And I will not apologize for it.

I will admit to you that in opening my heart to another child - I have opened it to a deep, grievous rupture as well.

And that I was foolishly unprepared for it.

In choosing to love with abandon, I allowed this impending sorrow.

I have no regrets.

But it's so hard.

So very, very hard.

6 comments:

  1. Lorraine1:52 PM

    How's this . . . "try not to think about it yet" . . . sort of the advice you gave Ethan, right? He's still here for awhile so why mourn now? It makes it tougher on Tejan. Then again I suppose emotions are not in our control. That's what makes us human. Rather than control mine I just blew up at Riley so yah, don't listen to a word I've said. Go have a good cry. Tejan IS precious and God knows that too. A good cry again and again and knowing God's heart may be your only source of comfort. You've done well with that boy, Auntie Cathy, very well.

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  2. hugs,
    love,
    prayers for you dear one.

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  3. Hi sweet Cathy. So sorry for your hurt. I don't have any expert advice, but I will pray for you and your sweet kiddos and for Tejan. I know this won't be an easy road ahead. Hugs!!

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  4. I'll pray that God grants you the supernatural ability to see the length of Tejan's "Always and Forever trip to Africa" with an eternal perspective. The short time he will be away pales in comparison to the eternity we will get to spend with him (and his new and perfect body).

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  5. Cath, I'm praying for you!! God will give you the grace to handle it, as he has every step along the way!

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  6. Cathy - haven't been responding but been following your journey....no advice, no real comments, except to let you know you are prayed for...you have done more than most people have even thought about doing....your on and contact with Tejan is not over, and most likely never will be......
    Hugs
    Andi

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