I'm at home. Asia and two of the kids are down at the hospital, watching the Super Bowl with T. Kyler and I have it on, here at home, but I'm only watching the commercials. I really couldn't care less about football than I do.
We're still waiting on lab reports for T. We do know that he does not have MRSA. Which is really good. MRSA would require 6 weeks or more of I.V. antibiotics. But while whatever he has is 'sensitive' to lots of meds, his infection isn't responding the way they expect it to. So they took more blood and we're waiting to see what they can discover. Apparently treating a staph infection requires a lot of waiting, and fine tuning of the meds used to fight it.
My biggest struggle right now is my heart.
In all of T.'s other medical needs, I was wholly there - completely available to him - and able to schedule my life around his needs, because I had weeks to plan ahead.
This time around, I'm really struggling to get my heart in it.
We were three days from saying goodbye.
And my heart had begun to process and move beyond the experience - anticipating what God might do next. Feeling excitement about our efforts to get our family to Sierra Leone in 2009 - saving money already toward that end.
I was sad. But ready. Ready to spend a little more time with myself - getting back to an exercise routine - pursuing more art - praying and meditating on God's faithfulness and His amazing work in our family.
I was letting go.
And now, he's still here. And he needs me.
And while I love him no less, I find myself struggling to give. Struggling to see my family separated by who's at the hospital and who's at home. Struggling to sit in that smelly hospital room watching bad cartoons or playing stupid video games. I'm impatient with the doctor, whose bedside manner leaves much to be desired. And I want to be home. I just want to be home.
But God has me at the hospital.
And He has my kids in this place where they have to give more. More than they already have. They have to keep sharing their Mommy for awhile longer. And while they're fine with it (we had a great talk over lunch today about their reaction to T. being here longer and how we're all adjusting to this new reality,) I just want to be able to return to my family.
But here I am.
Usually I find God pretty quickly in things. But right now I'm just not sure what He's doing with my heart. And to be completely honest, I'm a little resistant.
I think I'm just tired.
I just don't want to do this.
And of course, I feel riddled with guilt for even saying that.
But there it is.
Out there in the open.
Because I want to be honest. And real.
Because then you can pray effectively.
(Thanks for letting me talk.