I know I've said I love quiet.
But this morning it was deafening.
Even the kids mentioned how quiet it seemed.
T. had a huge personality. His teeny tiny body did not take up much space, but his 'person' did. So it feels as if there is a lot of extra space here now... empty.
It's interesting to me how this empty feeling permeates everything I do... and yet how we're able to go on, doing laundry, getting ready for school, pushing forward in the midst of this feeling of missing someone so terribly.
And yet - my heart is so full. Full of gratitude for this heaviness. This emptiness.
We feel empty because our lives have been filled to overflowing with this amazing experience. This amazing boy. This overwhelming, across-the-globe love...
I am holding the goodbye in my heart. It was tender. And sweet. And I will forever remember the exchange of love - the eye contact and the hugs and the sorrow. It's a precious thing I will always hold tight in my memory.
The kids are okay. They are quiet too - as if they feel a need for reverence as we walk through the emptiness. But they are also processing... "Mom, how long do you think it will be before we don't miss him like crazy?" and telling lots of stories... speaking the words we could always count on from T... remembering things little and big, funny and hard.
There is a sweetness to it all. A recognition that our sorrow stems from great blessing. And that even knowing how bad it hurts to have let him go, we wouldn't trade the pain for the experience. We are so blessed to have loved so deeply. And as God stretches our hearts around the globe, we rejoice that we're being made just a little bit more like Jesus.