Tuesday, April 29, 2008

One post at a time.

I miss him so desperately.

I've found myself in the laundry room crying into clothes he left behind.

And sobbing uncontrollably on the couch.

And wishing each morning for his "Auntie Cathy, good morning!"

I feel a deep desire to move beyond this. To push forward (or is it backward?) and be the Mom I need to be. The wife. The daughter.

But the truth is, I feel as though I've lost a child.

And I can't just move on quite yet.

Maybe never.

I find I am mad at myself. Angry that I was so naive to think I could do this without dying a little inside. Wondering if it would have been wiser to keep my distance.

But then I remember - I made a conscious decision to love him completely. And to trust God to heal my heart in the aftermath...

Of course, now that I'm here - in the aftermath, I wonder what in the world I was thinking.

Because this sucks.

I've worried about posting - because I know you've all said what needs to be said. You've offered your comforting words. I've heard them. And I believe them.

But it doesn't change the heartache.

I want you all to be comfortable.

So I apologize if my grief makes you uncomfortable.

But frankly - it's my blog. And I need to write my heart. Even when it's uncomfortable.

I hurt like never before. Because I loved a little boy completely. I gave my whole heart to him. My whole life for 8 months. My home. My food. My energy. I WAS HIS MOM.

And now he's gone.

So yes. It's uncomfortable. It's downright gut-wrenching. And I'm not going to pretend it's not.

Not here.

I'll go through the rest of my life pretending, because I pretty much have to in order to function.

But I'm not going to pretend here.

Here is where I can be real.

Here is where I can cry out.

Here is where I can write and write and write and write until there are no more words.

Here is where I can let the healing begin.

But until then, I'm going to walk through this.

One post at a time.

7 comments:

  1. Cathy - :::::::long pause as I try to put into words what I want to say:::::::::darn blinking cursor::::::

    All I can say , is that I am , I am sure that is a "we" also, here to listen. yes, we have given hugs,a nd suggestions and our thoughts. I am certainly not niave enough to expect that all of that should instantly make all your hurt go away. You have given more of yourself, than I ever dream of giving in a life time. You dared where I never will, simply because I chose to avoid the pain you ran into head on...how could I not get here to listen and let you know you prayed for? If Iw asn't on the east coast, I would be at your door with a box of tissues and a cup of coffee.

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  2. Brooke6:36 PM

    Just let it all out girlie...no need to pretend or apologize for feeling!!! This has changed you forever!! I would hope there is no one telling you how you should be feeling now or that you should move past this...that's not their right...This is yours!!! You are loved!

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  3. Hi Cathy. I've been thinking about you a lot. I knew this was coming, and frankly I didn't know what to say. What could I possibly say that would make you feel better? Maybe nothing. Just know that I am thinking of you. I can't imagine how you feel, other then your heart is aching. You were his mother. I think you always will be. I'm sure he feels the same. Bless you.

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  4. I can't think of anything to say to make it feel better, because nothing I can say will.
    I can't think of anything to do, except pray for you, because that is the only thing that will make it better.
    May you wrap your arms in God's abundant grace.
    Feel the warmth of his eternal embrace.
    Keep his love foremost in your mind, because your Lord is with you.
    All
    the
    time.

    Love you, hugs to you, prayers to you.

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  5. Jesus came to make the uncomfortable comfortable and the confortable uncomfortable.
    We need to be uncomfortable once in a while. If you being honest with us makes us feel uncomfortable that is a problem for us. Not you, you must be who you are and I, for one, will not deny you your feelings. We have many exchange students and it still hurts when I think of some of them, even though they have been gone many years and we have lost touch with them. But I remember the joy they brought.

    Give what he takes and take what he gives, both with a smile.

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  6. Keep letting it out, friend and we'll keep praying!!

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  7. I love you Cathy. And am praying for you. And for your family. And for Tejan- who I am sure is sorting through many emotions too. I am so sorry for your hurt. But so grateful for you.

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