Been thinking a lot about T. lately.
Missing his laughter.
Wondering how he's doing.
I think that's one of the hardest parts of this - that we have no contact with him and I have no idea what's going on. To go from knowing everything about his every day - to knowing nothing at all. Tough stuff.
Thinking through the whole experience, there are a few things that stick out in my mind... of course, all the doctor's appointments and time in the hospital. I took him to over 40 doctor's appointments. Sat in the waiting room through 4 surgeries. Waited and waited in waiting rooms. X-rays. Blood draws. CT scans. Physical therapy. Meds upon meds upon meds. Middle of the night meds. First thing in the morning meds. Drive to school in the middle of the day to give him meds... I gave more physical care to this one child than I have to all three of mine combined since they were infants.
And looking back, I can hardly believe I did it. But I did do it, didn't I? And I learned a lot along the way.
I learned to be an advocate - to stand up to medical professionals who have little time for relationships - and to push for what I knew would be best for Tejan. I learned to ask the right questions. And to not accept the first answer every time.
I learned that even when I feel like I'm utterly at the end of my strength, there is still Strength to be had.
I learned how to ask for help.
I learned that even in the loneliest moments - in the middle of the night when I couldn't believe what I'd gotten myself into and I was fighting self pity because everyone who didn't choose this was home in their beds - I learned that God is there. And through the tears I could praise the One who brought me to that place.
I learned that a hand to hold makes even the scariest moments a little less scary.
I learned to get over queasiness around medical procedures.
I learned that taking a deep breath and praying a silent prayer can bolster my heart and push me through to the next moment and where things are less overwhelming.
I learned that giving my heart away is easier than I thought.
And heartbreak is harder than I imagined.
And that empty arms can feel utterly lifeless.
I learned that choosing to follow a dream is costly.
And that I am blessed.
Blessed to know these things.
Blessed to live through this amazing roller coaster ride.
Blessed to have known this little boy - better than anyone else on the planet. Because I got to be the one who was by his side. I got to be the one who held his hand. I got to be the one who he thanked in the middle of the night when I gave him his meds. And who got to see him dance and sing and laugh.
I got to be the one.
I want you to know this:
If God asks you to do something - big or little - know this. He will give you exactly what you need. Every moment along the way.
If I had let fear guide my decision - I would have never let Tejan come.
So many people have said to me "I could never do that. I don't know how you could love someone like that and then have to let them go..."
And to that I say baloney!
Of course you could.
And of course it would hurt.
But you could say with confidence that God is a God of comfort.
And you could know the joy of living each day in utter honesty about your own strengths and weaknesses.
And you could know the peace that passes all understanding when you know that your life will never be the same - but you can still be okay.
It's so worth it, my friends.
I'll take the heartache and the laughter and the despair and the joy and the sorrows and the triumph.
I'll take God's plan.
I'll take it all.
This is life. Abundant life.
I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. 1 Timothy 1:12