Thursday, June 12, 2008

It's this.

After having a few days to pray and think and the wonderful opportunity to talk with some good friends, I think I can articulate my heart a little better.

And here's the deal.

For two years I've had this burden for Africa.

I began by praying. And I researched. And then I got this tremendous opportunity to put my faith into action.

And now, that's over.

But the time with Tejan only intensified my heart for this continent.

And so now, as I continue to read and learn and pray, I find the urge to DO something literally overwhelming. It permeates my every thought. It affects my every decision. And it weighs so heavily on my emotions... I find myself crying almost daily.

Add to that the physical absence T. left - and I am just a complete basket case. I cannot tell you how I miss his scrawny little hand that went into mine within seconds whenever we walked side by side. Or how I still catch my breath every night at bedtime when I realize there is no little boy hiding under the covers, waiting expectantly for his goodnight kisses. It's SO much harder than I anticipated it would be. Yesterday I went into his classroom at school to talk with his teacher and was so emotional I could hardly get any words out. Seeing all his classmates - who were so sweet to him all year was more than I could bear.

So while I continue to walk through this grief, (which I naively thought would be gone by now) I also struggle with wondering what it is God might do next with my almost all-consuming desire to DO something for Africa.

It's a lot to manage in my tiny little brain.

Some days, it's really just too much. And so I shut down. Like I did on Monday.

But today, I'm feeling better.

Hopeful.

Confident that God is going to do something.

It's the waiting that's hard.

But I need clarity. And definition. And purpose.

So I wait.

And I expect - that just as He brought Tejan to me - He will bring what I'm to do next.

So we'll just see, won't we?

We will see.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:24

2 comments:

  1. The not knowing what to do is always the hardest but God will reveal it to you in His timing.
    Just be patient and keep lifting it before Him. He brought Tejan and the burden to you!
    WILL CONTINUE PRAYING FOR YOU!
    Love you

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous8:20 PM

    Do we always have to wait for Him to bring it to us? Doesn't He want us to have the desires of our heart? Could it be that He is waiting for you to decide what it is that you want to do? Then He can give it to you?
    I know it is difficult to wait, it is difficult not knowing what to do, but what is the desire of your heart? Do you know?
    Praying for you,
    GrandpaKevin

    ReplyDelete

I love it when people talk back...