After having a few days to pray and think and the wonderful opportunity to talk with some good friends, I think I can articulate my heart a little better.
And here's the deal.
For two years I've had this burden for Africa.
I began by praying. And I researched. And then I got this tremendous opportunity to put my faith into action.
And now, that's over.
But the time with Tejan only intensified my heart for this continent.
And so now, as I continue to read and learn and pray, I find the urge to DO something literally overwhelming. It permeates my every thought. It affects my every decision. And it weighs so heavily on my emotions... I find myself crying almost daily.
Add to that the physical absence T. left - and I am just a complete basket case. I cannot tell you how I miss his scrawny little hand that went into mine within seconds whenever we walked side by side. Or how I still catch my breath every night at bedtime when I realize there is no little boy hiding under the covers, waiting expectantly for his goodnight kisses. It's SO much harder than I anticipated it would be. Yesterday I went into his classroom at school to talk with his teacher and was so emotional I could hardly get any words out. Seeing all his classmates - who were so sweet to him all year was more than I could bear.
So while I continue to walk through this grief, (which I naively thought would be gone by now) I also struggle with wondering what it is God might do next with my almost all-consuming desire to DO something for Africa.
It's a lot to manage in my tiny little brain.
Some days, it's really just too much. And so I shut down. Like I did on Monday.
But today, I'm feeling better.
Confident that God is going to do something.
It's the waiting that's hard.
But I need clarity. And definition. And purpose.
So I wait.
And I expect - that just as He brought Tejan to me - He will bring what I'm to do next.
So we'll just see, won't we?
We will see.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."