Sunday, March 02, 2014

Holding onto what is true...

"How are you?" she asked....

"Good. No. Not really good..." I started.

And then I emotionally vomited on this lovely woman at church this morning.

She is someone I met last fall... we discovered she lives in my neighborhood... took a few walks together... texted occasionally... and then really haven't communicated at all for about four months...

There was something about her kind hug and the sincerity in her eyes. I just knew I couldn't 'pull one over' on her and pretend.

And so I told her, in a nutshell, that things are just really hard for me right now.

That the loss of my sweet Gracie girl opened up this deep emotional pit that I seem to fall deeper and deeper into as the weeks go by. That my grief has exposed other losses I'd been burying for awhile and that I feel like a big, raw, open wound. That I'm struggling to appropriately express my emotions because I feel like they're silly and because I don't want to burden Asia, who after five years of job hatred has completely found his sweet spot and is LOVING life. The whole time I talked, the tears flowed fast and hard and I just let them come...

I have been blown away by the depth of my mourning. The quietness and loneliness in my house is almost more than I can bear. It magnifies the fact that I really am quite alone in my role around this house as my kids continue growing up and away. I used to come home to a companion. A friend. A loyal and affectionate constant presence who loved me so purely... and now I come home to nothing. It is harder than I ever imagined. And I feel a bit lost.

In the continuing saga of re-discovering myself as my self-sufficient kids exercise their self-sufficiency, I find myself wondering anew what or who in the world I'm supposed to be.

I'm SO grateful for work... it is the one place I feel vital and important and used to the best of my ability. It continues to bring me so much satisfaction. But work is only a small part of my day. And the rest of the day I find myself wandering around my empty house wondering what it is I'm supposed to do with myself.

I've always struggled with knowing how to 'be fun.' Or pondering what 'makes me happy.' I just know that I'm neither right now.

God continues to hold my heart. And I pray each morning for direction. But I feel like I'm in a holding pattern... and the word WAIT bounces around my head.

My sweet friend gave me a lovely hug. I told her God sent her to me this morning. And then she said "I'm sorry things are so shitty for you right now."

And I thanked God for sending me someone who would listen and hear and meet me right where I'm at...

I'm really NOT good at friendships and I tend to go inward when I'm feeling vulnerable.

God sent me a friend today.

And I'm grateful.

And so I'll continue on, trusting in God's continued grace in my life.

Because life goes on. And so does His love and goodness.

It doesn't make what I'm walking through any easier, necessarily... But it IS true. And some days, that's enough.

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