There are boxes and bedframes and piles of stuff all over my house today.
We are walking into a major change this week as my oldest man/child leaves home.
He's moving in with some other guys... not far away... but he will most likely be going days without stopping by.
There is so much change/loss/sorrow/peace/confidence/confusion swirling around in my head right now. It's so strange to know something is right and not want it to happen all the same.
I know this is what I have raised him to do.
I'm sure it's time for him to step out into the world and begin to take responsibility for his own life... to start learning bigger lessons and making his own way... and there have been MANY days over the past year when I've been SO ready for this change.
But when the anticipated change becomes reality there is so much to process as a mother.
I read a blog this morning written by a young, overwhelmed mom. I remember those days SO well... and completely understood her exhausted rant. I was there SO many days. Days I longed for older kids who would be self sufficient and leave me to myself.
And now that I'm in that space, I find myself longing for those needy babes... with their slobbery kisses and their simple needs and the complete dependence on me. It's HARD. But it's predictable. And straightforward. While it brought me to the end of myself in many ways, I never questioned my purpose. I knew I was called to be the mommy.
Now in many ways my role is to step back. Away. Out. To be available but not meddle. To encourage but not solve. To be a sounding board but removed. To watch hopefully. To pray. To let my heart walk out the door and believe in my deepest soul that I've done all I can to protect, nurture and entrust this piece of me to the One who gave him to me in the first place...
I was blessed to hear the story of an older mom this past week... and as she talked about her grown children the words I heard over and over again were "You watch. And you keep your mouth shut. And you pray and encourage."
So I will try that...
But there's a definite loss theme happening right now in my life.
It's forced me to look myself right in the eye and confess that I have sought comfort and satisfaction from things other than the ultimate Source. And as those things are ripped away, I have had to surrender to the loss. And let sorrow flow.
I have full faith that God is with me. And that He knows my heart. And that I've done what I should do.
And that tonight, as my son sleeps in his own bed across town, he is exactly where he should be. Where I raised him to end up.
Even though it hurts to let him go.
It's the right thing.
And sometimes the right thing is the hard thing.