Thursday, May 29, 2014

Out of the valley...

It's been awhile.

This season sometimes feels so powerfully unpredictable... there are days I'm positively full of pride and joy and hope for the future and days when I am so desperately lonely and bored I just cannot find the strength to pull myself out of the depths of self-pity.

I've refrained from writing mostly because I don't want to sound whiny or confusing... and frankly, because of pride. I have a fear of appearing ungrateful. Because my life is SO good.

You see, I've been in a bit of a valley.

Losing my sweet Gracie opened up this wide space that's been slowly growing in my heart... this sense of loss and change and a struggle for purpose. It forced me to mourn the loss of not only my beloved companion, but my clearly defined role as mom as my kids move further and further into the world. Kyler moved out within weeks of Gracie's death and Savannah bought her first car and got her license shortly after that (which as any parent of a 17 year old girl knows, means she has essentially moved out as well because she is never home...) I come home to a completely empty, deafeningly quiet house and lack motivation to do anything... because no one is around to take care of or feed or talk to or be the mom to... and there have been many days I've simply crawled into bed to pass the hours.

I went through a bout with depression shortly after we moved to Spokane. Living through our first snowy winter in a strange city with two preschoolers in a duplex I hated and no community to draw strength from pushed me into a pretty dark place.

I found myself there again these past few months.

So I haven't written. Or created. Or taken care of myself. I just didn't have the gumption or the desire or the wherewithal to push myself out of gloom that surrounded me. It was as though I was encased in a fog and I didn't know which direction to go so I made no effort to look for a way out.

It took a couple of months to recognize and admit I needed help.

And I've sought it.

And slowly, the fog is lifting.

I really am SO supported and loved and have so many people who have reassured me in this place. Even people who have no idea what I've been facing have played their part in the healing. I have an incredible community of people who build me up and believe in me. And I have a faithful God who knows me better than I know myself and who loves me completely with all my faults.

And so I look upward. There are days that are better than others. And there are days I slip backward. Many choices are made out of sheer determination and a reliance on what I know is TRUE instead of what I feel.

Friends... I always try to write from a place of vulnerability and openness. I've received much feedback over the years I've maintained this blog (almost ten years!) that it is GOOD to be true and honest about life - when it is good and when it is hard and when I feel triumphant and when I feel defeated. So there you have it.

Another post revealing the truth in my heart and the reality of my situation.

I don't completely understand why it is so beneficial for me to put it out there. I just know that when I do, it allows me to move forward.

Life is quite a journey, eh?

Thanks for coming along for the ride.

4 comments:

  1. Cathy, it is so good for us to be real. I have been in the depths of the valley before, with no way to express my deepest hurts and frustrations, I couldn't let people know that this seemingly perfect pastors wife, wasn't so very perfect at all! I have found that opening up and being real allows others to be real, it allows others to come along side and care for you, like they wish someone would care for them in their deepest needs. If we are not real, we are hiding in darkness and there is no truth in that. When we come out with our humanity, our failures, our fears, our struggles, then they are brought into the light. It is then that God's truth and love can shine on into our darkness and set us free. Lord Bless you as you continue on this journey called life. Walk forth in the freedom of His grace, truth and love. xoxo Julie

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  2. Sometimes I feel like the dark, deep valleys help me appreciate the shining peaks a little more, and I can be proud of myself for the climbing out. And I think good seeds sometimes sprout in the dark.

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  3. Cathy, I love how willing you are to be vulnerable to such a large audience. Many times your voice reflects what I am going through and it helps to see it in writing. Thank you !

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  4. Hi Cathy,

    So sorry you're going through a hard time right now. I can completely relate (as always when I read your blog). I'm praying for you. :)

    Melissa~

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