thoughts from the deep recesses

It's been awhile. This season sometimes feels so powerfully unpredictable... there are days I'm positively full of pride and joy and hope for the future and days when I am so desperately lonely and bored I just cannot find the strength to pull myself out of the depths of self-pity. I've refrained from writing mostly because I don't want to sound whiny or confusing... and frankly, because of pride. I have a fear of appearing ungrateful. Because my life is SO good. You see, I've been in a bit of a valley. Losing my sweet Gracie  opened up this wide space that's been slowly growing in my heart... this sense of loss and change and a struggle for purpose. It forced me to mourn the loss of not only my beloved companion, but my clearly defined role as mom as my kids move further and further into the world. Kyler moved out within weeks of Gracie's death and Savannah bought her first car and got her license shortly after that (which as any parent of a 17 year...

Metamorphosis: a profound change in form from one stage to the next in the life history of an organism, as from the caterpillar to the pupa and from the pupa to the adult butterfly.   I wonder if pupas are ever afraid. Or lonely. Or confused.   Or if it hurts inside the cocoon... as they transform from one shape to another.   Or if somehow, their tiny brains possess some divine knowledge that the process they are involuntarily facing is just exactly what they were made to do.   Does the caterpillar trust the Creator?     I am in a cocoon, of late.   I am unsure of the process. Skeptical that something beautiful could emerge from this dark, confining space. Suspicious of the unknown. Scared.   I have a love/hate relationship with the cocoon.   I am swathed in its silky warmth but confined by it's darkness. Safe, but at the same time made crazy in it's enco...

It's been ages since I've written just a 'catch up' post... my heart and brain have been processing a lot of deep emotion and when I'm in that space, I find it hard to write lightly . This morning, however, I am feeling hopeful and uncluttered and thought I should cash in on that. So here's a random list of happenings around here: I recently won a contest for staff of Weight Watchers and get to go to New York to hang out at our corporate offices for a couple of days. I'll be working... helping to conduct a search for new names for our Leaders and Receptionists to better reflect the roles we play in the lives of our members. I've never been to New York and am THRILLED with the opportunity. It will be great to understand more about this amazing company I work for! We're heading soon soon to a lovely resort to meet up with extended family for a very belated Christmas celebration . I'm SO excited to meet my great-nephew for the first time. It...

The house is emptier than it's ever been. With vacant rooms and clean floors and only a little bit of laundry to fold. We're one dog less, one boy/man less, one daughter with a new car and a license less. We've walked through other losses recently, having to accept hard new realities. If deafeningly quiet and my heart has felt despair many, many days. I've had many, many hours to ponder and mourn. Today, I feel a teeny bit of hope. Hope in the courage to finally clear out an empty room, packing away remnants of a childhood. Hope in dreaming about how that space could provide an opening for new possibilities. Hope in healing. Hope in purpose. I'm believing again in Faithfulness and Provision and Love. Feeling a renewed desire for the One who gives and takes away. Finding more satisfaction in the gift of being a vessel of encouragement and hope. The darkness lifts to reveal a bright future. And a merciful Guide. In this empty house....

There are boxes and bedframes and piles of stuff all over my house today. We are walking into a major change this week as my oldest man/child leaves home. He's moving in with some other guys... not far away... but he will most likely be going days without stopping by. Oh.my.heart... There is so much change/loss/sorrow/peace/confidence/confusion swirling around in my head right now. It's so strange to know something is right and not want it to happen all the same. I know this is what I have raised him to do. I'm sure it's time for him to step out into the world and begin to take responsibility for his own life... to start learning bigger lessons and making his own way... and there have been MANY days over the past year when I've been SO ready for this change. But when the anticipated change becomes reality there is so much to process as a mother. I read a blog this morning written by a young, overwhelmed mom. I remember those days SO well... and com...

"How are you?" she asked.... "Good. No. Not really good..." I started. And then I emotionally vomited on this lovely woman at church this morning. She is someone I met last fall... we discovered she lives in my neighborhood... took a few walks together... texted occasionally... and then really haven't communicated at all for about four months... There was something about her kind hug and the sincerity in her eyes. I just knew I couldn't 'pull one over' on her and pretend. And so I told her, in a nutshell, that things are just really hard for me right now. That the loss of my sweet Gracie girl opened up this deep emotional pit that I seem to fall deeper and deeper into as the weeks go by. That my grief has exposed other losses I'd been burying for awhile and that I feel like a big, raw, open wound. That I'm struggling to appropriately express my emotions because I feel like they're silly and because I don't want to burden A...

Valentine's Day has never been a big deal around here... both Asia and I sort of rebel against the whole 'Hallmark' holiday thing... that just because someone's marketing 'love' doesn't mean we have to buy into it. We love each other 365 days a year... But - I am acutely aware of Love today... This week I have experienced love at a really core level as we have grieved. Here are just a few ways I've received grace this week... On Monday, I received flowers and a plate of banana bread from one girlfriend, and a whole loaf of banana bread from another. (Note to self: bring banana bread when someone loses a pet... it's just the right thing.) We got a sympathy card from the pet emergency clinic with a handwritten note. They didn't have to do that. But it was very sweet. I realize they send that to everyone who has to put their pet down... but I felt cared for and appreciated it very much. I needed to sweep the kitchen floor on Tuesday... u...

Our house is almost deafeningly quiet without Gracie here... I would never had said she was a noisy dog... but her absence reveals a silence we've probably never experienced here, even before she became a part of our family. I feel a little better every day... although I still find myself crying at random intervals throughout the day. She was just always there . And now she's not. Many people have asked what happened... Gracie was getting old... she was lame in one leg and hobbling quite often on another. She's been through a bloating episode and pancreatitis in her lifetime and we had agreed about a year ago that if she got sick again, we would not spend the money on treatment. Boxers have a life expectancy of 8 - 10 years and she turned 8 last August. Saturday she stopped eating. She was visibly in pain as she walked around the house. We took her down to pet emergency and they gave us antibiotics in case she was simply fighting an infection and gave her an inject...

I'm stopping midway through a thorough whole house cleaning for an attitude adjustment and a little rest and thought I'd make a list. REASONS WHY IT'S GOOD WE LET OUR HOUSEKEEPER GO: There is a tremendous sense of pride in cleaning my own house... when it's finally done, I know I'll be REALLY happy. Everything is getting WAY cleaner than the housekeeper got it. She was good, and fairly inexpensive as far as housekeepers go, but she didn't attack the deep dirt with the same vigor that I find I am today. Our bathrooms haven't been this DEEP clean in ages... I've been struggling with being (keepin' it real, friends) lazy on my days off... WAY too much Pinterest. Movement is good... busy is good. 80's dance party Pandora station, baby. It keeps me movin'. I know Asia will be REALLY happy when he gets home. A happy husband is always good. Muscles. Seriously. Especially in my right hand. It's shaking as I type from all the scrubbing....

- a revealing list of my shortcomings in case you mistakenly thought I was perfect -   This is my living room on any given day. Yes. You will find basket upon basket full of clothes that need to be folded and a pile of shirts that need to be hung on one of the chairs. You will also most-likely hear me complaining multiple times about the fact that the kids haven't hung up the shirts on the chair, even though that has been their chore for roughly a million years and they should know without being asked that when there are shirts on the chair, it is their job to hang them up and put them away. I will also likely complain that the sheer amount of laundry I have to fold is absolutely ridiculous and that I'm SURE there are people in this household who put laundry in the hamper simply because it is easier than putting it away and that I'm probably doing twice as much laundry as I should be because of that. That said, doing laundry is actually one of my favorite household c...

  I've been blessed with a wonderful online group of friends for about 8 years and am joining them this year for a blog challenge to post one list a week in an effort to revive our mostly neglected blogs... I'm hoping to post a list each Monday starting today! List #1 - 2013 in review January: I got my first dent in my six month old Kia Sorento and it was a doozy! The car was totaled in a 19 car pile up on an icy Spokane hill. We were blessed by our insurance with complete car replacement with upgrades. Sorento #2 is working out just fine! February: I turned 44 - Asia and I celebrated with a little Spokane staycation downtown. Asia started working at Spokane Therapist - seeing his first clients and beginning to build his private practice. March: Kyler decided to quit running... having decided not to pursue a running career in college, he wanted to free up that after school practice time to work more and save more money for college. I was proud of his...

Long time, no blog. The season has come and almost gone, and I've been crazy busy at work and Kyler and Savannah have been home a bunch, having finished classes at Eastern weeks ago. I can't write when they are here for some reason. I need silence to gather my thoughts. I am home alone this morning. Asia has left for work. Kyler and Ethan are housesitting together. Savannah is in Leavenworth with her boyfriend's family. It's just me and Gracie. And frankly, I'm sort of forcing myself to sit and write. Because even when there's not a topic pressing it's way to the tip of my fingers, itching to find it's way to the page, I find release and peace when I write. And I can't think of a better time of year to lean into those two things. Christmas. Christmas is this interesting thing at our house... Asia doesn't really care for the holidays... having never really experienced strong traditions as a child, it's a season he'd really ra...

I am blessed to know a lot of young mamas. Women who are in the thick of wiping dirty bottoms and feeding seemingly insatiable little mouths and never getting enough sleep. Women who look back at their carefree lives before babies entered the picture and wonder if they will ever feel the same youthful easy-going freedom they used to enjoy. Women who probably never feel good enough for the task at hand. Raising those babies. It's overwhelming and exhausting and staggering and breathtaking, this motherhood thing. I remember so many times being completely at the end of my rope. So tired. Worried. Empty. And yet the gift of being the one who brought ultimate comfort and completion somehow sustained me through the dark hours when I knew I simply had nothing else to give. And yet I gave. And gave. And gave. Mothering is all about giving yourself away. Holding and loving and comforting and giving... leaning into the huge role of being the mom... regardless of whether I feel...

So many blessings... I have this incredible man by my side... who blesses me each day with his belly laugh and his sweet touch and his hand on my hip in bed each night. After 21 years of marriage I am amazed at the depth of love I feel for him and the miracle of a healthy union that has grown so much stronger than we deserve. My almost 19 year old came up the stairs this morning and said "Mama, I love you." There are days I wish he was away at college (for his sake as much as mine) but honestly, a huge part of me is really thankful for this additional time to be his mom... he has the rest of his life to be on his own. I'm thankful for dear friends and hard life circumstances that force us to grow in grace - and make our friendships even more dear. My sweet old pup gets slower each day - but still insists on putting her grey muzzle in my lap each morning and follows me from room to room when I'm home with her limpy gait... she's provided 8 years of complete...

Life takes us into and out of the spaces and moments of other people in the most fascinating way... I am just beginning to recognize the sacredness of interacting with people - participating with them in the moments that define their characters and stretch their limits and grow their hearts - crying with them when the heaviness of it all spills out in a blessed grace-filled saltwater-y release and laughing at the Hope that prevails in spite of tremendous darkness. In just the past few weeks I have sat with wives who question the strength of their marriages, reminded numerous people of their amazing strength and resolve in the face of ongoing struggles, said goodbye to a friend who chose to take her own life, reassured a dear new friend that God is for her and loves her even as she struggles to define how her affections will impact who she will choose to be and how she lives out her days, helped someone make a life-altering decision in light of God's grace and mercy, k...

It's been awhile since I've done a 'ten' and most of my posts have been heavy of late so I thought I'd indulge in a good old-fashioned 'here's ten random things about life' blog. All three kids are FINALLY in school. Eastern is on the quarter system and started classes last Wednesday. Monday I rode the bus out with Kyler and Savannah to make sure they knew how to get there and then wandered around campus so Savannah knew where all her classes were. Kyler didn't want help, which of course made me feel ridiculous. I really wanted to walk with him to each of his buildings. " Come on, mom, I'm not in kindergarten ." Sheesh. I can't help myself... Ethan is playing bass in the Spokane Youth Symphony - and loving every minute of it. He's also playing in jazz band at school as well as the orchestra there. He came home after a jazz band rehearsal playing the bass line for Chameleon... which if you're from Astoria, Oregon is sim...

Life has it's way of ebbing and flowing... This past summer was a deep ebb... a back flow of purpose and vision and a time of flagging ambition and confusion. The tide was low. I struggled to find the resolve to push past my perceived lack of relevance. I questioned my function and found a deep boredom settling in. Looking ahead to the continued 'moving away' of my children, I feared a complete loss of vision and knew it would be necessary to redefine my ambitions or I could easily be left dry and shriveled on the shore. I'm so thankful to my dear husband and the friends who helped me find value in this forced retreat from what I've known for so long. I began to see it as an opportunity instead of a loss. And then, slowly, opportunity came. And gratefulness began to permeate my thoughts. And hope filled my bones. God met me in a lonely place and said "But look here..." and I beheld a vision full of purpose and intention and promise. And so ...

This was the hardest summer I've ever been through. I've written a lot about it, so I won't rehash the challenge of the past three months... I really haven't written much, because I didn't have much to say that hadn't been said. I loathe sounding redundant and whiny. I felt God asking me to wait. Silently. Waiting is hard. But slowly, I find myself sneaking glimpses of new purpose... Renewed vision for what it means to parent at this stage in my life. New responsibilities and challenges at work. New relationships and new roles in old relationships - dear people God is bringing me to love and nurture and pour into. And so I sit this morning in quiet gratitude for hopefulness. I'm pondering and dreaming and anticipating - all of which are infinitely better than lamenting and feeling lost. Hope is an amazing, powerful thing. There is an air of excitement and a posture of looking forward in this place... as Asia gets terribly, wonderfully clo...

It is absolutely ridiculous how often I find myself alone this summer. I know I've whined about it A LOT. It's just almost unbelievable to me. I seriously wake up almost every day thinking "Oh good - the kids and I will have three hours together this afternoon" and then when I get home to commence the togetherness, they all disappear. One to a movie. One to a friend's house. Off they go... over and over and over again they leave me here. Alone. I was thinking about this in my own teenager memories... how I never once thought about my mom when I would take off. I took off a lot. I worked. Had cheerleading practice. An older boyfriend with a really cool car. The beach to go to. A friend with a boat and a lake at which to spend long summer days. Girlfriends who hosted amazing sleepovers. I was just doing what teenagers do. And I never once thought about what my mom might possibly be doing while I was gone. After all, she was mom... didn't she alwa...