thoughts from the deep recesses

In Astoria... Rain. Snow. Hail. Sunshine. Trolley. Fultano's Pizza. Grandma and Grandpa. Good stuff.

Kyler was doing homework yesterday when he asked, "When does Dad get home?" "Probably around 5:00 or 5:30." I answered. "Why?" "Because I didn't get to see him much last night and I want to see him." Love that. Love that he loves his Dad. And misses him when he's gone. He may not run toward the door with his arms outstretched like he did when he was a toddler, but he still wants his Daddy home. That's a cool 13 year old in my book...

I suppose I should apologize for my lack of posts lately. I'm just not very wordy lately. I think I'm putting extra energy into reserves right now. Holding tight to God. A little afraid of the next... Do I really have to gear up for the goodbye again? Yes. I do. And so I'm quiet. And tired. Sorry.

I'm sick. I haven't been sick since before Tejan came. So I'm really quite pathetic... as though I forgot what it was like to have my nose run and my throat sore. I just want to stay in bed. But I cannot. I have to work today. The boss is out of town. So I'll trudge over to the store and try not to sneeze on anyone. Easter was rainy. But we had a lovely service and my heart was given hope... it was as if our pastor knew exactly what I needed to hear - he spoke about 'compassion fatigue' and how Christ is the only answer... good stuff. Good, good stuff. Compassion fatigue... isn't that just perfect? It's exactly what I've been feeling... I'm working through so much in my little heart lately... and trying my darndest to just live in each day - taking the joy in each moment instead of looking forward. I can't really look forward right now because I'm so overwhelmed by the possibilities. So I'll take this ten minutes and live it well. The

by Holly Pritchett I am not at all like my Jesus. My worship has been convenient, slight. Ephemeral and immaterial--a good girl with a limited glory. No--my Jesus is GLORY. He stands at the threshold of time ushering it away--He will come. A sweeping return and the storms will cower at His majesty. Beautiful and terrible to behold. No--I am not at all like that. Hiding under the bed, crying at the storm, my distrust weakens my vision and I no longer see that I was fashioned thunder, lightening, and rain. Glorious, my Jesus WAS and IS and IS TO COME. The very voice of God calling to one still deciding on her voice. There are roads and maps and signs and I am too stupid to find the way. No--I am not like my Jesus. Opening doors, tipping well, hoping for greatness, yet my deeds condense into a small box labeled self. Having never really died nor lived. Lukewarm is the venomous adjective best describing my treachery. My Jesus went to the people fixed on ripping and shattering and butcherin

Today I want to go back. Back to before I saw Hotel Rwanda. Sometimes in April . Blood Diamond. Invisible Children . When I trusted my own country and it's leadership to make decisions that were fair and right and just. Before I cared about recycling. And social justice. And education for all. Back to when my life was insulated. When my heart contained a small, select number of people and my world was small. When answers came easy. Because the more I know about the poor - and the war torn - the fewer answers I have. I feel as though my heart cannot possibly stretch anymore. The world I know now is too large. And the injustice too great. And the answers too hard to find. And so I find myself exhausted. And hopeless. How does God do it? Because He knows far more. He sees all the sorrow. And injustice. And pain. ~ I am humbled. And overwhelmed. ~ I am so small. And my efforts are so insignificant. ~ On days like today, I must choose to hope . Hope in Goodness bigger than my reach.

I've got to be honest. I'm going to whine today. This last little stretch we've had with Tejan has pretty much knocked the wind out of my sails. And I'm tired. I don't know if I'm overly sensitive because I'm so tired, but I feel as though everything becomes an argument with him lately. And the fighting between him and Ethan is at an all time high. I also think that my heart was pretty much disengaged at the point when we were ready for the big goodbye at the end of January. And then having him stay, I may have just held onto that - not wanting to re-engage and go through the hurt of preparing to say goodbye again. So I'm running on empty, pretty much. I'm struggling. I really don't want to finish this way. I don't want to be counting down the days. But I find myself doing it. He's here until April 20th. And I need to get through these last few weeks without feeling like a crazy person. But I feel a little bit like a crazy person. Is it w

Good tourney over the weekend... Grandma and Grandpa were there to watch and E. really turned it on. Never expected I could enjoy wrestling. But I do. Pinned!

These are some new dishtowels I bought recently. I love real cotton dishtowels. I actually got a set of 8 - these are my four favorites. A happy kitchen is one with new dishtowels. If you ever want to send me a happy present, I love dishtowels. She's such a good dog. I made this for a class last year... it's the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi on an accordion that fits into this altered band-aid box. I have it on top of my piano. It makes me happy. Although I've always wondered why St. Francis has a squirrel on his head. (Or is it on his arm? Or by his feet? Or maybe it's a bird...) When I was in Alberta, I went to Corey's son Jared's hockey game. He's a real live Canadian boy with stinky hockey equipment and he knows how to skate. Really fast. I enjoyed the game. This is Jared skating really fast. Isn't it amazing how he's almost laying down he's leaning so far forward. I think that may have something to do with how fast he goes. If it were m

The kids and I took a walk Monday evening after dinner. It was unseasonably warm and with the time change it wasn't yet dark. So we puttered around the neighborhood and let the dog run in the field at the end of our street. As we were heading home, Kyler was walking next to me. And as I turned to say something to him, it hit me. I was looking up at him. I knew it was coming... He's been trying to convince me that he's taller for months. But when we stood back to back, I was always still taller. No more. Now, I'm not short. At 5'9", I probably got to put this off for longer than most moms. But dang, he's tall. Of course I had to ask him, "What happened to my baby?" "I'm not a baby anymore, Mom" No. He's not.

The month of March around here has become almost laughably busy. It's pretty insane when someone invites you over for dinner and the total number of evenings you have available for the entire month is four - and those aren't until the very end of the month... how did this happen? The snow is melting! Finally, we can see grass. The gross part is that when your grass is covered by snow for so long, when it melts, your grass has snow mold. Yuck. Poor Gracie has a strange pattern of hair loss known as Seasonal Flank Alopecia . It's sort of like Seasonal Affective Disorder in humans... and leads to circular patches of baldness on her sides. It's caused by a lack of sunlight. You can bet I've been getting her outside as much as possible since we got the diagnoses. It's a harmless problem, but it sure looks funny. She should start regrowing hair in the next couple of months. I spent lots of money at Target yesterday. What is it about that store that makes me feel like

No picture today to share, but instead, I have a prayer I found recently in an old journal. I was cleaning out my nightstand and found a few old books where I've written my thoughts... I've been journaling in some form or another since about sixth grade... so I've got them tucked away all over the house. I saw this particular spiral bound one and casually opened it to see when it was from... in the back it had funny things the kids had said scribbled down, and entries from 2004... As I paged through, I came to this prayer: January 28th, 2004 "Awaken us, Lord. Pull us toward you in ways we never imagined - ways we can only describe as from You. Bring people to us in sovereignly orchestrated ways to declare your goodness and your love so that lives are changed. Take us together to a place of complete reliance on You. Give us high expectations, lofty visions, great dreams. Use us however you choose." Wow. I had tears in my eyes as I read this list... this list of exa

I am home after five days in Canada with Corey. We had a lovely time. Lots of tea. And coffee. And great food. And conversation. Lots and lots and lots of conversation. It's amazing to me how similar we are, even after being apart for 20 years. And yet there are also differences - and strengths and weaknesses. But she is the closest thing I have to a sister. For sure, she is a soul sister. I had a seven hour drive each way during which I had lots of time to think. I seldom get that kind of uninterrupted processing time - so it was pretty sweet. I thought a lot about Tejan - who has been gone and will return to our house on Saturday. I am missing him SO much. Much of my drive was spent thinking through the hole I feel in my gut with him gone these past two weeks. I don't think about it much in the day-to-day of living - but when I stopped to think about how much I adore him and how the reality of his leaving for good looms large, I am overwhelmed with grief. For now - I know he