thoughts from the deep recesses

I've been awake since 3:45. Which would be really tragic on a normal morning, but since my alarm was already set for 4:45, I figured I might as well just get outa bed and leave a little farewell post for the thousands of you who stop here regularly. (HA!) (Total sidenote: My Grandma Young always used to write Ha! in her letters whenever she wanted to indicate that she was happy about something, or that she was laughing at herself. I chose to take the smiley face route in my own letter writing, but that little handwritten Ha! is one of the things I miss most about my Grandma Young. That, and the fact that she actually wrote letters. Nobody writes letters anymore. End of sidenote.) I am completely packed and ready to go. Las Vegas. I really never imagined myself going there. I'm not really one for casinos and smoking and staring blankly at a slot machine for hours on end. The only time I've gambled in my life is once in South Lake Tahoe with my friend Heather. I won $50. But

I really need to be brusing my teeth and heading out the door to work, but I always feel like going more than a couple days without an interesting post is blog suicide. So, I'm here begging you not to give up on me. I'm extremely busy and overwhelmed and entirely un-interesting this week. I know it. You know it. But I'll be back. Promise. Maybe tomorrow, maybe Sunday, or maybe not until I get back from Vegas. Just don't give up on us baby.... Sorry, a song popped into my head just then. Okay - toodles. Kiss you all. Leave me a comment and promise to be my BFF. (Am I needy or what?)

I leave for Vegas in five days. There are all sorts of things I need to take care of before the trip... like plan meals for my family to eat while I'm gone and be sure they have the groceries to do so, finish up two class samples for the store, figure out what the heck I'm going to wear and get the schedule written up so Asia can manage to get all three kids where they need to be when they need to be there. I'm always amazed at the challenge of explaining the things I do to keep this family functioning... it doesn't seem like I do that much until I try to get it all down on paper so someone can replicate it. Then I'm simply blown away by the fact that I manage it all... Asia generally does fine when I leave - he's a great Dad. He's completely capable. But he doesn't really know that much about the day-to-day functioning of managing school, homework, piano, and chores. And his standard of cleanliness is quite different than mine, so I know better to expe

My art journal prompt this week was about corners... I have to admit – when I first read it, I thought “What the heck???” It was only after a couple of hours of letting it ruminate in the back of my mind that I was able to process an idea. Fortunately I was able to get away the next afternoon with my new camera and my tripod to get some shots to illustrate my thoughts. I am totally in a place where I can embrace corners… I REALLY used to have my whole life planned out. I was always peeking around the corner to the next thing. The older I get, and the more God works on my heart, the more I see that I need to just BE in the place He has me – and not always look beyond that. There is a sweet blessedness to being … to loving the wall I’m up against, instead of always craning my neck to see what might be waiting for me around the corner. I’m content. I can wait. I can just BE here. I will embrace the mystery of having no idea what tomorrow holds. Only then can I truly be present in today.

"Mom?" It was well past bedtime. I heard this little voice coming up the stairs a good hour after we had tucked them all into their little mattresses-on-the-floor-in-the-playroom bed arrangement that we let them have every weekend. "What?" I growled. I always growl when someone is out of bed. It discourages the getting out of bed. (At least in my mind that's how it works.) "E.'s got a bloody nose." Now I hear a second set of feet making their way up the basement stairs. And whimpering. My Mommy super-action-hero response kicks in and I'm instantly at the top of the stairs, meeting my poor wounded and bleeding baby. And I mean BLEEDING! We head into the bathroom, where he leans over the sink. His hands are covered with blood. He's spitting and coughing and gagging on the stuff. It's a colossal mess. Now, besides K.'s broken nose, we've never really dealt with bloody noses. I remember K'.s baseball coach (who happens to be a d

I never cease to be amazed at the wonders of the internet. Here are some really cool things I found this week. If you're bored, check them out. Found this link on Bart Campolo's blog: AfricaSize Me What an amazing idea... If you love great photography and enjoy people watching, you've got to check out Express Train . This guy named Travis takes a picture every day on his commute on the NY city subway system. Fascinating stuff. If I had lots of money, I'd buy stuff from this website . I'm such a sucker for anything vintage. I especially like these adorable plates . This website just makes me happy... people are so clever... Thanks to my brother, Steve, I spent way too much time playing at Wee World . Okay. That's enough. If I post more, you're going to think I spend way too much time on the internet. Umm, yeah.

Just a few shots of things that made me happy this week... Chicken and broccoli for lunch. Almost every day this week I steamed a big ol' bowl of broccoli, then added some chicken with just a smidge of Yumm sauce. Perfect. I don't know why I crave sweets so much when this is so pickin' delicious. The Art Show at my kids' school this week. I was amongst about 25 parent/artists who displayed their wares. This event is one of the most well attended school events each year... I love that it's a priority for our school to expose kids to the arts. And it's really fun to see a year's worth of work all in one place. Gracie's wrinkles. Well, actually, all of her... I realized this week that she is a little tangible picture of God's presence... when I'm home, she follows me from room to room - just wanting to be with me. She always looks up at me with her adoring eyes - faithfully loving me whether I return her love or not. A clearer picture of God's f

I'm feeling a bit scattered this morning... whenever I have a certain time frame for my day (ie: being to work by noon) I literally feel mocked by the clock in the hours preceeding the deadline. I have approximately three hours before I need to leave. I'm home alone, and the house is quiet. And there are so many things I could do with my time. I could: Spend the entire time reading blogs and message boards. Oh, and I really wanted to google ribs to find out if women really do have one more rib than men. Fold the laundry and hang the shirts that have been sitting on that one chair across the room for four days. Work on my art journal entry for this week. Clean my studio. Vacuum and mop - my least favorite household chores, but it always feels good to get it done. Start my next class sample - a Home Organizer mini-book - a cute little book for all your measurements and paint samples and fabric swatches... Go to the fabric store and buy the fabric for the kitchen curtains. Read -

My eleven year old was really working it this morning in regards to his chores... practically the first words out of his mouth were attempting to encourage my adoption of his stellar new plan: in the morning all he should have to do is get dressed and eat his breakfast. Then, after school all he would have to do is all of his chores, complete his homework, practice piano and trombone and get his reading done. "Wouldn't that be better, Mom?" Umm, no. Later, as he was emptying the dishwasher, he started in again. "Why do I have to do chores? You make us do way too many chores." I gave my typical answer... "Because this is a family. And everyone has to pitch in to make it work. I have chores, you have chores," He interrupts: "What chores does Dad do?" Oh let's see. He works 40 plus hours a week to provide for his ungrateful children. He pays the bills. He keeps Mommy sane. (No small task.) He tries to fix things when they break. My sweet d

I had written a long and lovely post yesterday morning, but blogger ate it. I was so disgusted with the whole process that I couldn't bring myself to re-write it. It's such a bummer when that happens. I have a hole in my sock today - but since I had to dig to the bottom of a laundry basket to even find said sock, I'm going with it. My big toe is bound to pop out at any moment. You've been warned. I had to buy a new coffee maker this weekend. I prepared the pot for my morning cupajoe on Sunday, pushed the little on button, then went to wake up the kids. When I returned, fully expecting the pot to be full, nothing was happening. Nothing. No perking sounds, no glorious brown liquid dripping into the pot, no nothin'. Asia valiently poked around at it for 20 minutes, then declared it broken. Well, much like the time our tv broke when we were newlyweds and Asia somehow managed to find both time and budget to replace it that day (and we were poor as church mice then) - I

These are the first two entries in my art journal. I'm loving this online class - it's great to use a different canvas than my typical scrapbook pages. I feel a lot more freedom with this - I'm planning to use all the little collage-y goodies I've been saving for years on these pages. I'm using looseleaf Bristol Vellum pages - I'll have them bound when the whole thing is done. It's so much easier for me to work on a flat page than on something pre-bound. The prompt for the first page was to create an entry so that if a stranger ever found my journal, they would know who it belonged to and how to return it to me. The second page was to be about the things about me that will never change. This one was harder, because I expect that lots of things will change over the years. It was a good challenge to think about what won't. I used polka-dotted tape I bought at the Target dollar spot for the title. Isn't it just the coolest? Okay - that's enough for

So, Stacy Julian tagged me. Here ya' go: Four jobs you’ve had in your life: 1. Burro Wrangler at Green Oak Ranch. This was a horsemanship camp for inner-city kids - I ran the burro program and taught hundreds of little kids how to ride. I adore burros and someday hope to have property so I can own one of my own. 2. Counter girl and cook at Alice's Drive In - my highschool job. The best burgers in Astoria, hands down. 3. Horsemanship Program Coordinator - Jasper Mountain Center. Here, I taught severely abused kids the joys of horses - from riding to mucking stalls. 4. Fine Jewelry Specialist at Mervyn's. I know, Fine Jewelry and Mervyns is a bit of an oxymoron. Four movies you would watch over and over: 1. What's Up Doc with Barbra Streisand and Ryan O'Neill 2. Gone With The Wind 3. The Sound of Music 4. Return to Me Four places you have lived: 1. Astoria, Oregon 2. Eugene, Oregon 3. San Jose, California 4. Spokane, Washington Four TV shows you love to watch: 1. Ame

My first love was a boy named Brian. We met when I was in 7th grade. He attended the youth group at my church. He was in 10th grade. Somehow, we ended up "going together," much to my parents' chagrin. After all, at that age, a three year difference in age is quite significant. Now, to be completely honest, I don't know why we were "going together." We never went on a date, never kissed, hardly spent any time together except at church. Brian was a great guy - full of laughter and sweet through and through. He once rode his bike to my house to see me. And he lived CLEAR on the other side of town. He had to ride a long way. On a BMX bike. And to get home he had to ride up some really big hills. He was also, at that stage of his life, a bit of trouble. He didn't grow up in a church-going household. His parents were extremely sweet, but not nearly as strict as mine were. It was with Brian and one of his buddies that I smoked cigarettes after church one night

Apparently, this is national de-lurking week for blog readers... You know who you are. You come here often, and you read, but you never comment. So here's your chance to come clean. Post a comment. Make your presence known. Be a friend. No more of this peeping Tom stuff. Come into the light and let me know you're there. I won't bite, I promise. I can't wait to see who comes out of the woodwork. (Thanks to Mindy for making me aware of this all-important blog holiday.)

We had such a lovely weekend, and my morning has rolled along swimmingly... I'm a happy girl with a cup of coffee by my side, my dog sleeping peacefully on her chair next to me and a computer on my lap. All is good in the world. After my experience at church yesterday, I was looking forward to a big chunk of time this morning to pray and meditate on God's goodness... I got the kids off to school, put the dishes in the dishwasher, and jumped online to do a quick email check before I settled in with my blankie and my pile of God books. And then I spent the next hour and a half being a part of a modern-day prayer chain. The church I grew up in used to have this prayer chain, where if you had a need, you'd call the first person on the list and they would call two people who called two people who called two people, and in just minutes, the whole church could be praying. Knowing that church, they probably still do this... I remember numerous times when the phone would ring and so

So I found out this week that there are people who know my blog address that I didn't know knew my blog address. Which is fine. But a little shocking, because I like to think for some reason, that I'm writing to a defined group of people when I make my entries. And this morning I found out that the group may be bigger than I thought. I don't mind it being read. After all, this whole blogging thing is a pretty public forum. But in my head, it's sort of private, because I like to think I know who's been here. In reality, I don't, except by the name of your ISP, or by your location - which doesn't really tell me much in most cases. As I've stated before, I'm not sure why anyone wants to read about my thoughts on this little thing I've got going here, but I'm thankful for those of you who come, and comment, because it pushes me to write. And writing is always good for me. It's through writing many times that I'm able to process thoughts I

Asia is off playing tennis and the kids have each picked their favorite cartoons to watch. I've had my cup of coffee and really need to go take a shower... it's hard for me to stay in my pajamas for very long. I know lots of women who will choose to spend the day in pj's, but I just can't do it. Gotta get my jeans on and at least wash my face or I feel sub-human. However, for now, I'm still in my new Christmas jammies - which are pink fleece with green and white polka-dots. I'm really a sight to see. And no. I won't be posting pictures. I'm excited to have some time today to start in on a new little creative venture... I joined an "Art Journal Challenge" , an online class taught by a fabulous British woman whose stuff I've admired over the last year. It's a class with weekly prompts and a gallery where those participating can upload their journal entries. It's part of my effort to stretch myself creatively this year. Today I'm

It always makes me laugh how if you get your fingers off by just one key, the stuff you type looks like some alien language. Fir ubstabcem uf U ikace nt fubgers gerem ubstead if veubg avke ti read wgat U writem ut kiijs kije tgus, See what I mean? Anyway. I have to say how very loved I felt yesterday by all of you commenters... I really am okay... and I'll be okay. I function quite well under the cloud, but for some reason yesterday when I sat down to make my blog entry, I had to address it. I felt the need to acknowledge it's presence... Thank you for your love and support. And I have to publicly thank Hershey for making Kisses with Almonds. They also really helped me get through the day. To the tune of half a bag. Ah well. LOVE chocolate. I think part of my needing to be really real yesterday with ya'll was because we went to our first small group for the new church on Wednesday... it was small - like only two other women besides Asia and I. Seems the other regulars wer

As someone who has struggled with depression off and on over the years, there are times when I can feel the cloud looming over me... it hangs oppressingly low, threatening to drown me in it's deluge if I make one wrong move. My family hangs in the balance, waiting to see if I have the strength to hold the umbrella up for us all to share, or if I'll retreat instead to my safe little cave, where I sleep and mourn and talk to the ceiling - for most of the time I feel like God doesn't make it into the cave with me. I pull down the hatch before He gets there. I KNOW, in my intellectual, well educated Christian self, that He is there - that He never leaves me or forsakes me. But I also know that there are times when He is locked in silence. When He is there, watching, but unwilling to intervene. I have felt the cloud for months now - dark and foreboding - and I've been brave. Sometimes brave enough to toss my umbrella to my side and yell up in its face, denouncing it and even

Saw this on a blog I found tonight and thought it was fun... 2 names you go by 1. Cathy 2. Cate 2 parts of your heritage 1. German 2. Pennsylvania Dutch 2 things that scare you 1. Loosing my teeth 2. Something happening to my kids 2 of your everyday essentials 1. Slippers 2. Bath and Body works Vanilla Sugar lip balm 2 things you are wearing right now 1. Jeans 2. My glasses 2 of your favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment) 1. Megan Slankard 2. Five for Fighting 2 favorite songs (at the moment) 1. Ave Maria (I'm still listening to Christmas music and this is my all time favorite...) 2. Blessed Be Your Name 2 things you want in a relationship (other than real love) 1. Laughter 2. Adventure 2 truths 1. I once stuffed 38 grapes in my mouth all at once 2. I am allergic to fuzzy caterpillars 2 physical things that appeal to you (in the opposite sex) 1. Muscular legs 2. A nice back. 2 of your favorite hobbies (besides scrapbooking??) 1. Blogging 2. Photography 2 things you want

Okay. So I had a little time, and I decided not to make things more difficult than I needed to. I had been thinking about using my fabulous brother Steve's web-designing skills to create a website for my idea - but then decided I'd just go with what I know, and keep it simple. If it gets to be a hassle, I may end up using him, but for now, I'm going the easy route. So - go check it out. My Big Idea It's not really that big of a deal, but I think it could be fun... and it seriously needs some fussing with and some bells and whistles - but it's up and running... whatever.

So I ended up working today for five hours and the big idea is on the back burner. Look for it in the next week or so. I promise. The kids go back to school tomorrow. I'm craving the routine and SO ready to get everthing back in order. I think because we had a month of chaos before we even got to Christmas with the remodel... Life hasn't been normal here since early November. I'm good and ready for normalcy. I'm going to eat popcorn and watch the news now.

Wow. A brand new year. Happy New Year, everyone. We were up 'til midnight at some friends' house. The kids went outside and rang in the new year with pots and pans and a dozen cans of silly string. Now it's nine a.m. and everyone is still sleeping, except for Gracie and I. Church starts in an hour - do I wake everyone up or let them sleep? Dilema. Either way, of course everyone is thinking about resolutions this time of year. I generally don't make them, but this year I like what one blogger I read has called "intentions..." I dig the idea of living intentionally. It doesn't sound like such a set up for failure to say I'm intentionally going to live a certain way... (as opposed to a resolution, which always seems to end up being forgotten by January 20th or so.) So what do I want to intentionally do this year? Have more people over. We love hosting gatherings in our home, but it takes intentional planning to make it happen. I've got some great idea