Step away from the chocolate.

It always makes me laugh how if you get your fingers off by just one key, the stuff you type looks like some alien language.

Fir ubstabcem uf U ikace nt fubgers gerem ubstead if veubg avke ti read wgat U writem ut kiijs kije tgus,

See what I mean?

Anyway.

I have to say how very loved I felt yesterday by all of you commenters... I really am okay... and I'll be okay. I function quite well under the cloud, but for some reason yesterday when I sat down to make my blog entry, I had to address it. I felt the need to acknowledge it's presence...

Thank you for your love and support.

And I have to publicly thank Hershey for making Kisses with Almonds. They also really helped me get through the day. To the tune of half a bag.

Ah well.

LOVE chocolate.

I think part of my needing to be really real yesterday with ya'll was because we went to our first small group for the new church on Wednesday... it was small - like only two other women besides Asia and I. Seems the other regulars were either out of town or sick.

But, it was good. Really really good.
Intimate.
Caring.
Real.

Very low pressure.

I think one of the best ways I can describe my life at the ex-church is with the word pressure. While the friendships developed there were real, and the teaching often phenomenal, there was (in my head) always this underlying pressure. Pressure to look a certain way, act a certain way, have kids that behaved a certain way... I didn't really feel FREEDOM there.

I felt total freedom at this new small group.

Some of that probably has to do with my refusal to allow myself to be pressured again... I've learned and matured and discovered more about God's love on the journey of the last year. I'm more comfortable in my own skin, and confident that my love for Jesus has nothing to do with how many ministries I'm involved in or how cute my Sunday outfit is. Or whether my kids go to the right private school or if I've gone to the last three weekend seminars. I refuse to perform for anyone anymore.

So I was there, and I was real. And I made no apologies for anything.

We shared a bit from our journey, and those two sweet women shared a little from theirs. And I cried. Quiet, inside tears. Because we're all dealing with stuff. And life is hard. And already, I love these two women who reached out to us and loved us. And I want to pray for them each day.

But - there is also the pain of recognizing that the relationships with the ex-church friends are inevitably changing.

Change is hard.

Thank goodness I have another half a bag of kisses.

And friends like ya'll.

I don't know why you keep coming back, but I love that you do.

Your presence pushes me to think deeply and write from my heart and ponder the great mysteries of life and remember the hilarity of my days.

So thanks.