thoughts from the deep recesses

It's been ages since I've written just a 'catch up' post... my heart and brain have been processing a lot of deep emotion and when I'm in that space, I find it hard to write lightly . This morning, however, I am feeling hopeful and uncluttered and thought I should cash in on that. So here's a random list of happenings around here: I recently won a contest for staff of Weight Watchers and get to go to New York to hang out at our corporate offices for a couple of days. I'll be working... helping to conduct a search for new names for our Leaders and Receptionists to better reflect the roles we play in the lives of our members. I've never been to New York and am THRILLED with the opportunity. It will be great to understand more about this amazing company I work for! We're heading soon soon to a lovely resort to meet up with extended family for a very belated Christmas celebration . I'm SO excited to meet my great-nephew for the first time. It

The house is emptier than it's ever been. With vacant rooms and clean floors and only a little bit of laundry to fold. We're one dog less, one boy/man less, one daughter with a new car and a license less. We've walked through other losses recently, having to accept hard new realities. If deafeningly quiet and my heart has felt despair many, many days. I've had many, many hours to ponder and mourn. Today, I feel a teeny bit of hope. Hope in the courage to finally clear out an empty room, packing away remnants of a childhood. Hope in dreaming about how that space could provide an opening for new possibilities. Hope in healing. Hope in purpose. I'm believing again in Faithfulness and Provision and Love. Feeling a renewed desire for the One who gives and takes away. Finding more satisfaction in the gift of being a vessel of encouragement and hope. The darkness lifts to reveal a bright future. And a merciful Guide. In this empty house.

There are boxes and bedframes and piles of stuff all over my house today. We are walking into a major change this week as my oldest man/child leaves home. He's moving in with some other guys... not far away... but he will most likely be going days without stopping by. Oh.my.heart... There is so much change/loss/sorrow/peace/confidence/confusion swirling around in my head right now. It's so strange to know something is right and not want it to happen all the same. I know this is what I have raised him to do. I'm sure it's time for him to step out into the world and begin to take responsibility for his own life... to start learning bigger lessons and making his own way... and there have been MANY days over the past year when I've been SO ready for this change. But when the anticipated change becomes reality there is so much to process as a mother. I read a blog this morning written by a young, overwhelmed mom. I remember those days SO well... and com

"How are you?" she asked.... "Good. No. Not really good..." I started. And then I emotionally vomited on this lovely woman at church this morning. She is someone I met last fall... we discovered she lives in my neighborhood... took a few walks together... texted occasionally... and then really haven't communicated at all for about four months... There was something about her kind hug and the sincerity in her eyes. I just knew I couldn't 'pull one over' on her and pretend. And so I told her, in a nutshell, that things are just really hard for me right now. That the loss of my sweet Gracie girl opened up this deep emotional pit that I seem to fall deeper and deeper into as the weeks go by. That my grief has exposed other losses I'd been burying for awhile and that I feel like a big, raw, open wound. That I'm struggling to appropriately express my emotions because I feel like they're silly and because I don't want to burden A