As someone who has struggled with depression off and on over the years, there are times when I can feel the cloud looming over me... it hangs oppressingly low, threatening to drown me in it's deluge if I make one wrong move.
My family hangs in the balance, waiting to see if I have the strength to hold the umbrella up for us all to share, or if I'll retreat instead to my safe little cave, where I sleep and mourn and talk to the ceiling - for most of the time I feel like God doesn't make it into the cave with me. I pull down the hatch before He gets there.
I KNOW, in my intellectual, well educated Christian self, that He is there - that He never leaves me or forsakes me.
But I also know that there are times when He is locked in silence.
When He is there, watching, but unwilling to intervene.
I have felt the cloud for months now - dark and foreboding - and I've been brave.
Sometimes brave enough to toss my umbrella to my side and yell up in its face, denouncing it and even daring it...
I've prayed it would leave. And while it doesn't seem to, I've felt the courage and strength to walk beneath it with determination and sometimes even joy...
But it's not easy.
And in quiet moments, especially in worship, I feel its weight.
I cry over its power to hang there for all these years.
I am weak and tired and sometimes just want to give it permission to engulf me...
I long to be a person who is dressed in gratefulness and joy. Whose face shines with optimism. Who welcomes each day in the knowledge of her positive influence on others and the grace of God. Who is a blessing to those around her.
Instead I am usually dressed in fear and self. Negative. Exhausted. Barely tolerant of others.
Re-reading this, I understand it may come as a shock to some readers.
It's real though.
And I'm all about being real. Ugly as it is sometimes.
I will say this: God is faithful.
And heaven will be the freedom of all of this.
And for that, I praise God.
I promise to be back to my normal bloggy self soon.
I just needed to get some of that out...
My family hangs in the balance, waiting to see if I have the strength to hold the umbrella up for us all to share, or if I'll retreat instead to my safe little cave, where I sleep and mourn and talk to the ceiling - for most of the time I feel like God doesn't make it into the cave with me. I pull down the hatch before He gets there.
I KNOW, in my intellectual, well educated Christian self, that He is there - that He never leaves me or forsakes me.
But I also know that there are times when He is locked in silence.
When He is there, watching, but unwilling to intervene.
I have felt the cloud for months now - dark and foreboding - and I've been brave.
Sometimes brave enough to toss my umbrella to my side and yell up in its face, denouncing it and even daring it...
I've prayed it would leave. And while it doesn't seem to, I've felt the courage and strength to walk beneath it with determination and sometimes even joy...
But it's not easy.
And in quiet moments, especially in worship, I feel its weight.
I cry over its power to hang there for all these years.
I am weak and tired and sometimes just want to give it permission to engulf me...
I long to be a person who is dressed in gratefulness and joy. Whose face shines with optimism. Who welcomes each day in the knowledge of her positive influence on others and the grace of God. Who is a blessing to those around her.
Instead I am usually dressed in fear and self. Negative. Exhausted. Barely tolerant of others.
Re-reading this, I understand it may come as a shock to some readers.
It's real though.
And I'm all about being real. Ugly as it is sometimes.
I will say this: God is faithful.
And heaven will be the freedom of all of this.
And for that, I praise God.
I promise to be back to my normal bloggy self soon.
I just needed to get some of that out...
Your post and my post are rather similar, today.
ReplyDeleteInteresting to me, because of all my bloggy friends, you're the one who seems to have most to keep you out of depression. But I guess maybe that hangs more on faith than on what blessings we actually have.
May we both find our answers~
Cathy,
ReplyDeleteIt seems to be the day for many to face their worst aspects of themselves. Thank you for having the courage to admit what you struggle about. It shows courage that you fight the depression. I am not an optmist by nature, either. I don't have depression, but I do have a host of medical problems that are struggle to manage on a daily basis. Life can sometimes kick your butt, and that is the way it is. The true sign of strength is to keep hope alive in the dark times.
Hang in there. You are not alone.
HMBalison
Hey Cathy...I'll be praying you weather this dark cloud. Churchill used to call it the "black dog", and I've always gotten comfort from the realization that some of the great people in the Bible had a depressive bent to the personalities...like David. Be careful of music, I've found and a friend at Bible School also said "Ya have to be careful because certain music can just make it worse and you end up wallowing in it." Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteCathy,
ReplyDeleteMany ***HUGS*** first to you. I will pray for you. Really, I will. God knows just where you are.
Warmly, Tawnya
You are loved by many despite the dark clouds. I will pray for you, my dear friend, that you will shine with whatever it is that God has for you to shine. It doesn't have to be optimism. God allows you to shine with much more depth than we optimists have! If I can help in any way, let me know. I know you aren't a phone gal but if you need someone to check in on you every once in a while, let me know. Do you need a roasted chicken? Where is Sheri when you need her? I love you!
ReplyDeleteKnow the darkness. Praying for you. I love you.
ReplyDeleteJust remembered last week, I had commented that I hadn't cried in a while, which always freaks me right out...I started crying on Dec. 30th and have had breaks, but had to laugh at your family hanging in the balance...Last week, Paul took over cuz he and the kids knew I needed to work something out. It seems like they just know I will come back and that my heart is in a real listening place to the Lord and I am soft, which is mandatory to listening....hope that is a bit of an encouragement.
ReplyDeleteCathy, I could have written this post so many times over the years. I'm so grateful for a current reprieve from the depression that has haunted my steps for the past couple years. I'm praying that you will find peace, that the cloud will lift, even if only for a time.
ReplyDeleteLisa
Love you Cath,
ReplyDeleteDidn't have time to read your blog until this am. Have had an extremely busy week.
Just remember to look up to Him and to remember all of your blessings.
Hugs
Hugs to you. I'm glad you are feeling better. As you know, I had a serious bout with depression several years ago and I know that it is a force that can suffocate and smother someone who is not willing to fight with all they have to get out from under the cloud that hovers ever so near. Again, hugs. I completely understand what you felt when you shared these feelings.
ReplyDelete