thoughts from the deep recesses

Friday was our sixteenth anniversary. Sixteen is a nice, even number, but not a huge milestone anniversary. We didn't have any special plans except to go out to dinner, and Asia wanted to buy me a gift. So after I got off work, we went to the mall. After looking for awhile, we found a lovely pair of brown pearl earrings that will match about half of my wardrobe (I really like brown.) Asia bought them for me and we went on our way, having a delicious dinner at Friday's and then heading home. The next morning, I got up to go to my weekly Weight Watcher's meeting, and then go garage sale-ing. I'm loving this new routine on Saturdays - get my coffee and paper, go weigh in, go to as many garage sales as I can, then head home. It's a lovely way to spend a Saturday morning. I decided at the last minute to slip my new earrings on... they were so pretty, and they matched the clothes I had put on. I don't usually get all dolled up to go to garage sales, but whatever. My m...

Savannah, Ethan and I got home last night from our quick trip to the west side. We drove boxes and boxes of items donated by the kids' school to the COTN offices to be sent on to the kids at Tejan's children's home and village. When we arrived, we got a tour of the offices and warehouse... what an amazing organization COTN is... they feed and clothe and educate hundreds of kids in Sierra Leone, Malawi, Uganda, and Dominican Republic. While there are many kids in their children's homes, like T, they also reach out to the surrounding areas, impacting so many. It's a great thing. I was so impressed with the warehouse in particular. Boxes and boxes of meals, clothing, school and hygiene supplies, clothes, bibles - all color coded according to contents and country. Our little pile of stuff paled in comparison - but we were honored to be a part of their work. After the tour, we went down to their chapel for their weekly prayer and praise meeting. Every Wednesday they mee...

We bought a new chair awhile back. It's upholstered in a lovely mossy green fabric that is extremely soft and cuddly. I love it. However, after we bought it, we discovered that the fabric has a definite nap to it. (For the 5 men who read this, nap is when the fabric lies in a clear direction. Think of velvet - how when you rub it one way it's flat and soft and when you rub it the other way, it's nappy and rough...) Anyway, because of the nap of the fabric on my new chair, when you get up and out of the chair, there is a definite print of the shape of your butt right there on the seat of the chair. I'll never have to sit on a Xerox to find out what my butt looks like, because I can see it every time I get out of the chair. Lucky me. I had a tough night last night with Ethan. Three or four times now, he's woken up with what I can only describe as night terrors... it's almost like he's sleep walking. He's clearly very scared, and shaky, and can talk, but ...

Thompson Falls, Montana is home to a billion gajillion mosquitos. And they all bit Ethan over the weekend. At last count we were over 90 bites. My poor baby. Can you say Benedryl?

We were in Montana over the weekend for a Willis family reunion. The Willises are the family that basically adopted Asia when he was 12 - he considers their sons, Mike and Bob, his brothers and calls Warren and Diane Dad and Mom. This amazing family was all getting together to honor Diane, who died two years ago, with a grave marker in her hometown of Thompson Falls, Montana. Asia spent many a family vacation in Thompson Falls - and he knew all the aunts and uncles and cousins that were there this weekend. Apparently, when in Thompson Falls, you have to go to 'the bend' at Prospect Creek and jump off a cliff. If you are a crazy person. And apparently, when he's with Mike and Bob, my husband becomes that kind of person. Now in case you haven't heard, the inland northwest experienced one of the highest snowfalls of all time over the winter. Which leads to some of the highest rivers and streams when all that snow starts melting. Like now... So this little Prospect Creek w...

So, I've been to the eye doctor and the hairdresser this week. The eye doctor is always a little stressful for me. I never know, when she does that "Tell me which one is better... there's one - and there's two ..." and I'm looking through those funny lenses - is there a right answer? I'm always just certain I'm saying the wrong one... and then there's the times when one and two look almost exactly the same and I have to sheepishly say "Well, they're pretty much the same" and I just know I'm failing my eye exam. I'll be getting a big fat F, for sure, because I can't make a decision. And have you ever thought about how silly you must look from the other side of that big lensy machine? Something like Wall-E, I suppose. And there I am, sweating buckets because I can't handle the possibility of answering ' one' or ' two' incorrectly, with my big goggly eyes... it's enough to make me want to just wea...

He is still in my thoughts every day. Will he always be? Will there ever be a morning when I forget to smile as I remember his daily greeting, "Auntie Cathy, good morning?" His laughter echos in the hall. There are still so many signs of him here... The blanket from Shriners that wouldn't fit in his suitcase. His stuffed animals that he left behind. A drawing he made for me found under a stack of papers. I miss him.

When we were in Montana over Memorial Day weekend, Asia wanted to drive out to the house his Grandmother used to live in. He and his older brother and sister lived with her for awhile when Asia was a preteen, and his first happy childhood memories took place there. It took awhile to find it, but eventually, he recognized the house across the street, which belonged to a family called the Millers. As we pulled into the driveway, Asia assured me that Mr. and Mrs. Miller would remember him... I saw a little lady sitting at her kitchen table with rollers in her hair and hoped so. This was Montana, after all, and I was pretty sure Mr. Miller owned a gun. Sure enough, as Asia and his sister Fawn walked up to the doorway, they were greeted by the Millers with big hugs and the expected "Look at you - all grown up!" These wonderful, gracious people walked Asia and Fawn around their property, showing them things that had changed and things that had not... they even called across the st...

Yesterday was our first official day of summer vacation. Can you say perfect? Sunny and warm, a relaxing morning, a picnic lunch... this is exactly what summer is all about. Kyler went golfing with some buddies yesterday and had a blast. It was a par 3 course. His score for 18 holes? 127. I don't think he'll get any golf scholarships... but I'm glad he had fun. With camp and friends and jobs, it feels like Kyler isn't going to be around as much this summer as I'm used to... yesterday it was golf, today it's a yard work job... I miss him when he's not here - but I suppose it's just the beginning of him stretching his teenager wings and I should just enjoy when he is here. Nobody told me it would be this hard to let him grow up... Asia's in Kentucky this week. He's in a little town called Owensborough (or something like that) - stuck in an office from morning 'til night reading cases. Not exactly a fun sight-seeing trip. They didn't even ...

And here's how I know: My neighbors have allergies or something. So all their animals are hairless. I hardly ever see them (the pets, not the neighbors.) But today, this one (pet, not neighbor) was sneaking around my backyard. In the spirit of maintaining a shred of decorum and good neighborliness, I'll hold back. But I will say this: that's one very hairless cat.

After having a few days to pray and think and the wonderful opportunity to talk with some good friends, I think I can articulate my heart a little better. And here's the deal. For two years I've had this burden for Africa. I began by praying. And I researched. And then I got this tremendous opportunity to put my faith into action. And now, that's over. But the time with Tejan only intensified my heart for this continent. And so now, as I continue to read and learn and pray, I find the urge to DO something literally overwhelming. It permeates my every thought. It affects my every decision. And it weighs so heavily on my emotions... I find myself crying almost daily. Add to that the physical absence T. left - and I am just a complete basket case. I cannot tell you how I miss his scrawny little hand that went into mine within seconds whenever we walked side by side. Or how I still catch my breath every night at bedtime when I realize there is no little boy hiding under the cov...

I find I just can't blog. It's a rare thing for me to not be able to put words to my feelings. Usually I can write my struggles and find definition and clarity through my pen. Lately though, there are no words. And with the blog, there is the added pressure of trying to 'entertain' you. And I just can't do it. I cannot define my heart right now. And I cannot continue to start, only to delete because I fear I sound whiny or repetitive. So I just will not write. For now. Because my heart is so broken. I just don't have it in me to pretend to be okay right now. I think I expected to be 'okay' by now. And I'm so not. Okay. I really don't know who I am anymore. My frame of reference has shifted completely. And I think I just need to 'be' here for awhile. I just need to listen. And stop trying to sum it up with words. I cannot post pretty pictures and wax eloquent about lessons learned... I just need to be. Quiet. Broken. Tired. So I will be......

Today is T.'s birthday.

Because tomorrow I'm going here .

Dear little ants, Did you know Spring is here? And the weather outside is just lovely. Outside, there are all kinds of fun things for you to walk across and move with your amazing ant-strength. There are flowers to smell and hills to be made. Inside a house is where people live. Not ants. Or any buggish creatures. You are not welcome here. We like our food and want it to stay in our house. I can sweep the floor without your help. I do not want you here. I do not know where you are coming from. But please know, without a doubt, that your presence is unwanted and your life will be cut short for no other reason than because I do not like you and I do not want you here. I will smash you. And then I will flush you down the toilet if you stay. And if one of you invitied the mouse that I saw running across the hallway last night, I will get to the bottom of that travesty as well. This house is a people house. Not an ant house. And most certainly not a mouse house. Ick. Sincerely, Mrs. Goins

Nine days of school left. Yippee! I'm currently doing Weight Watchers to take off some extra winter padding... and also to get my lifetime membership, which is a goal in my '40 things to do before I'm 40' book. I lost 5.6 pounds my first week! Yippee! Lots to do today. I really don't like running errands. I found myself crying three times lately telling people about the whole Tejan experience. It's so strange to talk about it in the past tense... and so amazing to me how fresh the wounds remain. I wonder when I'll be able to talk about him without crying. Speaking of Tejan, I did hear a report on him. He's apparently doing fairly well with his transition back, but he 'still has a lot of america in him.' And I guess all the kids in the home are now calling everything 'cool.' I made banana bread last night. I sure hope the kids are enjoying it, because it doesn't really fit into my Weight Watchers plan... no banana bread for me. New f...

We had such a great weekend. It began with a wedding rehearsal dinner on Friday night for a couple Asia and I have been mentoring. They asked Asia to help officiate the wedding, which gave him the opportunity to tell a little bit of their story and also to lead the bride's daughter and the groom through a set of promises to each other. The wedding itself was a complete tear jerker, full of wonderful examples of God's provision and grace. I am so happy for them. After we got home from the reception, we welcomed Asia's foster Dad to our home. He was coming to Spokane to introduce his girlfriend to us and seek our blessing on his intention to pursue marriage. We spent all of Sunday with Warren and Mary and the whole family absolutely fell in love with her. It's so fun to see Warren, at 70, giddy with infatuation. What a treat to be included in the short list of people who get this special introduction. Looks like we'll be heading to Santa Barbara this summer for a wedd...