So I went out to dinner with some girlfriends last night to celebrate a birthday. Thing was, there was one girlfriend missing - our dear Betsey who recently moved to Illinois. Add to that the fact that I recently was allowed into the inner sanctum of this group of girls, and it was an akward night. I felt like everyone was thinking (subconciously because of course, these are all very sweet women) that I was a terrible replacement for Betsey. Where were her trademark funny stories, her mixed metaphors, her wise and careful word of advice? Nowhere to be found - especially not coming from me.
I wanted for so long to become a good friend to these women. Watched their friendships and was envious of their familiarity, their laughter, their care for each other. I was new - on the outside - invited occasionally, but never considered essential. Now I realize I may never be... although they include me more, I will never have the same depth of relationships with them that they have with each other. Somehow, I don't have what it takes.
So where does that leave me? Six years after moving here, I have no great girlfriends. I have lots of acquaintances, but no one who depends on me, and no one on whom I depend. My heart is very fragile in this area - I LONG for the kinds of relationships I've had in the past. I know I need to depend on God for fulfillment in this - to depend on His comfort, His love and His sustenance when I feel alone. I need to trust His provision in this area. AND, I need to take the focus off myself and reach out to women regardless of whether I feel my needs are being met. All of that sounds great - but in my reality, I fail miserably. Instead, I have pity parties.
Perhaps friends are an idol for me.
I am thankful Asia who listens and loves me and tells me all the time that I have tons to offer. Even when I feel there must be something terribly wrong with me, he builds me up. He is truly my best friend, as it should be... but still, I would LOVE to have a dear girlfriend here to love on...
I wanted for so long to become a good friend to these women. Watched their friendships and was envious of their familiarity, their laughter, their care for each other. I was new - on the outside - invited occasionally, but never considered essential. Now I realize I may never be... although they include me more, I will never have the same depth of relationships with them that they have with each other. Somehow, I don't have what it takes.
So where does that leave me? Six years after moving here, I have no great girlfriends. I have lots of acquaintances, but no one who depends on me, and no one on whom I depend. My heart is very fragile in this area - I LONG for the kinds of relationships I've had in the past. I know I need to depend on God for fulfillment in this - to depend on His comfort, His love and His sustenance when I feel alone. I need to trust His provision in this area. AND, I need to take the focus off myself and reach out to women regardless of whether I feel my needs are being met. All of that sounds great - but in my reality, I fail miserably. Instead, I have pity parties.
Perhaps friends are an idol for me.
I am thankful Asia who listens and loves me and tells me all the time that I have tons to offer. Even when I feel there must be something terribly wrong with me, he builds me up. He is truly my best friend, as it should be... but still, I would LOVE to have a dear girlfriend here to love on...
I've been there and it isn't easy but it will happen! You have so much to offer and your friends are blessed to have you!!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
THena