I sit here completely overwhelmed by the simple grace of God. Somehow, in this year of hurt and disappointment and questioning many of the things I have believed with all my heart for decades, God has stayed by my side and continually given me exactly what I needed.
Sometimes this comes in the form of self-revelation, for in showing me the depths of my depravity, He also shows me the richness of His love. So many times, I see in the eyes of my children tiny reflections of how I must hurt Him when I strike out at others. I hate this part of myself - the wicked, lashing out that escapes me before I even recognize it's presence. And yet, also in my children's eyes, I see grace - for they love me so much and are so quick to forgive.
Other times His grace is revealed to me in laughter. Little bubbles that pop surprisingly into my day, relieving the pressure that has been building. I experience this most often with Asia, as we are beginning to see humor in things that only brought pain a short while ago... God is faithful to heal us slowly and laughter is one of the ways I feel it - it is a physical release so necessary... Usually it is in the times when I feel least like laughing that He reveals some new absurdity to me and all I can do is react with a soul-cleansing guffaw... That's grace, folks.
Tonight it was in an after dinner conversation with Asia that led us to look up some long lost children we once worked with, seeking reassurance that maybe one or two of them had reached adulthood with some semblance of normalcy. Unfortunately, that pursuit led to disappointment, as we discovered drug arrests and jail sentences, but the quest for people from our past had begun and I was inspired to dig out someone from years gone by to get back in touch with. I kept reaching dead ends, and then for some reason, my oldest childhood friend popped into my mind. It had been probably close to a year since we had talked. But I knew we would be able to pick up right where we left off - she's that kind of friend.
So tonight, God used this woman I've known for over 30 years to reassure my troubled heart in ways I am still processing. Somehow, in His divine wisdom, God has taken both of us though a very similar year - a year of disappointment, burn out, broken hearts and wounding... a year of needing Jesus more than ever. A year of wondering what it might be that God is doing with "the church", because what we've been doing doesn't seem to fit... Now, I'll tell you that we've NEVER gone a year without talking to each other. In highschool, we never went a day without speaking, and in our adult lives, while we've never lived very near each other, we've been pretty good about being in touch several times a year. Neither of us could explain why we hadn't called... it just didn't happen. I believe because God was processing in both of us the words we needed to say to each other tonight... Corey was my gift of grace - one I didn't even realize I needed, and yet, in His perfect provision, God gave me this dear friend who can TOTALLY relate to my struggle today - after not speaking to her for a year. That's amazing grace.
I'm so emotional right now... simply overwhelmed by all the words that were spoken. The reassurance, the laughter, the blessed acceptance of one who knew the prepubescent me, as well as the rebellious teenage me and the idealistic know-it-all college me... she has seen the best and the worst I have to offer. She loves me and my husband and my kids and my parents and my brothers... in this very isolated world I find myself in lately, that means SO much to me.
Corey - thank you for tonight. You are a treasure to me. I'm sorry it's been so long, but I'm thankful that God's timing is perfect.
I love you.
Sometimes this comes in the form of self-revelation, for in showing me the depths of my depravity, He also shows me the richness of His love. So many times, I see in the eyes of my children tiny reflections of how I must hurt Him when I strike out at others. I hate this part of myself - the wicked, lashing out that escapes me before I even recognize it's presence. And yet, also in my children's eyes, I see grace - for they love me so much and are so quick to forgive.
Other times His grace is revealed to me in laughter. Little bubbles that pop surprisingly into my day, relieving the pressure that has been building. I experience this most often with Asia, as we are beginning to see humor in things that only brought pain a short while ago... God is faithful to heal us slowly and laughter is one of the ways I feel it - it is a physical release so necessary... Usually it is in the times when I feel least like laughing that He reveals some new absurdity to me and all I can do is react with a soul-cleansing guffaw... That's grace, folks.
Tonight it was in an after dinner conversation with Asia that led us to look up some long lost children we once worked with, seeking reassurance that maybe one or two of them had reached adulthood with some semblance of normalcy. Unfortunately, that pursuit led to disappointment, as we discovered drug arrests and jail sentences, but the quest for people from our past had begun and I was inspired to dig out someone from years gone by to get back in touch with. I kept reaching dead ends, and then for some reason, my oldest childhood friend popped into my mind. It had been probably close to a year since we had talked. But I knew we would be able to pick up right where we left off - she's that kind of friend.
So tonight, God used this woman I've known for over 30 years to reassure my troubled heart in ways I am still processing. Somehow, in His divine wisdom, God has taken both of us though a very similar year - a year of disappointment, burn out, broken hearts and wounding... a year of needing Jesus more than ever. A year of wondering what it might be that God is doing with "the church", because what we've been doing doesn't seem to fit... Now, I'll tell you that we've NEVER gone a year without talking to each other. In highschool, we never went a day without speaking, and in our adult lives, while we've never lived very near each other, we've been pretty good about being in touch several times a year. Neither of us could explain why we hadn't called... it just didn't happen. I believe because God was processing in both of us the words we needed to say to each other tonight... Corey was my gift of grace - one I didn't even realize I needed, and yet, in His perfect provision, God gave me this dear friend who can TOTALLY relate to my struggle today - after not speaking to her for a year. That's amazing grace.
I'm so emotional right now... simply overwhelmed by all the words that were spoken. The reassurance, the laughter, the blessed acceptance of one who knew the prepubescent me, as well as the rebellious teenage me and the idealistic know-it-all college me... she has seen the best and the worst I have to offer. She loves me and my husband and my kids and my parents and my brothers... in this very isolated world I find myself in lately, that means SO much to me.
Corey - thank you for tonight. You are a treasure to me. I'm sorry it's been so long, but I'm thankful that God's timing is perfect.
I love you.
You went to bed at 1:30? Dang, I was up until 3 am...I feel so hung over this am...It was absolutely "fantabulous" catching up with you. I also poured over your blog and laughed until I cried...it was a very good feeling. Haven't laughed as much as i want to in this season- it is a new goal. See our friendship like a pair of my favorite old jeans....comfy, maybe shouldn't go out in public due to the worn spots, but I always feel beautiful in them. cheers to you and I am working on a blog entry called "My first best friend"...I love you too.
ReplyDeleteCorey - Love the old pair of jeans imagery... I have that old pair of jeans. And a favorite sweatshirt that is terrifically threadbare and worn - certainly NOT for public wearing and yet SO comforting and warm. Ironically it is an "Astoria Fishermen" sweatshirt...
ReplyDeleteYou'll have to blog more often, dearie, now that I'll be stalking you!