Good things

Today I got a phone call from an old friend from the ex-church. How sweet to touch bases with her, find out how her life has been these past months, talk through some of the hurts that only someone else who was left in the wake of this church storm can fully appreciate... just hearing her voice brought tears to my eyes, since our friendship is yet another casualty of the barrage we've had to endure. She left the church several months before we did - and I've only seen her once since last fall - just enough time for a hug and a quick "how ya' doin?", knowing full well that neither one of us could answer without an emotional breakdown, and so choosing not to answer at all. I'm so sad that because of all these sucky church leaving circumstances, I have lost numerous casual friendships. That unless I make real, significant time kinds of efforts to maintain these friendships, I will most likely never see many many people I've come to love dearly. And that really sucks. And it's not fair. Or right. Because we all love Jesus. And are all part of the Body, regardless of where we worship. But since we live across town and our paths no longer cross, I have to let go. Ugh.

I'm pretty tired, exhausted from the questions running through my mind these past months...

what is church?
why do we go?
does it have to be a building, on Sunday morning?
what about ministry - why does it always have to be so programmed?
how do I reconcile the betrayal I feel from being used at the ex-church?
why do I feel closer to Jesus now than I ever did?
are my kids going to grow up rebellious and ungodly if they don't have a "church home"?

I don't have any answers, although my thoughts lean so far from what I've believed for my whole life... it is so strange to think in such a radically different way. Rebellious. Anarchistic. Revolutionary maybe?

I don't know.

I do know that I love my husband more than ever, as I've trusted his leadership in this.
That's a good thing.

I do know that I spend more precious time with my Savior than I ever did in the midst of all my "ministry".
That's a good thing.

I do know that my kids are learning that God is much bigger than any building or preacher or program.
That's a good thing.

I do know that some friendships are worth the time, even if I don't feel like I have the energy quite yet. I had to thank my friend for calling today. For picking up the phone and making contact. Quite honestly, I'm not really ready yet to take that step. I'm a little too raw still, I think, to let someone come too close to my wounds. I'm so glad Mary is a little further along in her healing, and took the time to call me. Her voice was a salve on my wounds... soothing and comfortable, and full of hope.

Full of hope. That's a good thing.