Relationship ramblings.

For those of you who do not know me well, I am not a person who over-analyzes things. I'm pretty standard Carson stock, who take things as they are and don't spend a lot of time pondering or soul-searching. However, lately, with the whole church leaving episode we find ourselves in, I'm forced to evaluate my life in a new way.

The truth is, the hardest part about looking for a new church is the whole prospect of having to deal with that big sanctuary full of strangers. Because as awful as it sounds, I can't imagine having the energy to get to know any of them. I am at this stage in my life where I am not hugely dependent on people outside my family, and the friends I already have (from the church we left) are plenty... I just don't know where I would fit a whole 'nother group of people into my life.

Asia and I are fortunate enough to have a ministry in our home to several young couples... people who stop by often to share meals and just hang. We believe God has blessed us with this opportunity to mentor them with this life-on-life model, and it's fulfilling and exciting and fruitful. We LOVE these "kids" and the friendships we have established with them. Building into them and living our lives in front of them, letting them watch as we stumble through the whole parenting thing, sharing our love for God and His word with them... it's all an amazing and fascinating opportunity to be used by God. It feels more real and substantial than any "church" program or ministry we've ever been involved in. And yet, the drive to find a church home is there, embedded deep within my conservative religious background.

We recently decided that the church we've been attending most often this summer just isn't going to cut it as a church "home" for us. It just doesn't feel quite right, in terms of the worship especially. I've been telling people that I feel like it lacks reverence, which apparently is an important part of worship for us... so we're sort of back to the drawing board now.

I still don't have any answers as far as the whole business of not really wanting to invest in a new group of people.

Are we just incredibly selfish? I sincerely hope that is not the issue here. I will say that we are tired, and have been hurt, and are probably more than just a little gun-shy. We poured our hearts and souls into our last church and were pretty well taken advantage of and wrung dry... it hurts still so very much...

Here's what I do know right now:

• I know that I want my kids to grow up with a church home.
• I believe that our current ministry is valid and productive and thriving in the absence of any church backing us.
• I'm afraid that the current trends in many churches don't necessarily meet the needs of mature believers.
• I hunger to live in community with other believers, which I think in many ways we are doing with these people we currently minister to...

So that's where I am in the process of thinking through this. Because I'm not a deep thinker - it probably takes me weeks to process something that many of you would be able to work through in a day... but I can only handle so much "deepness" before I just want to walk away... it wears me out and makes me feel heavy hearted.

Any and all advice will be gladly considered and filed away...