If you've spent any time with me at all in real life, you've probably heard me lament the difficulty of my relationship with my firstborn.
K. is such a strange boy. I'll be the first to admit it. He's FULL of personality. FULL of life. FULL of noise. FULL of confidence. He's smart, but lazy. Funny, but immature. Handsome, but geeky.
Since he turned about 6, the boy has been driving me crazy. Literally up the wall crazy. His personality is so out there, constantly in your face, that living with him is a challenge. Add to that, his pre-adolescent limit pushing and self-centeredness, and I'm ready to lock the kid in a dungeon for a few years.
This morning I lost it. It was an ugly Mommy moment. His morning routine usually goes something like this: 7:30 I wake him up so he can shower
7:45 He's been in the bathroom for 15 minutes, but instead of showering, he's been sitting on the toilet reading. I yell at him to get in the shower.
8:00 This is the time he should be finishing breakfast. He's just starting. He goes to the fridge. Opens it. Asks "Can I just have a Pop Tart?" a question he totally knows the answer to - of course not. He pulls out the milk. Sets it on the counter. Goes to the pantry. Gets a box of cereal. Leans against the counter and starts reading the box. I say "K. - you're not doing anything..." He walks to the table, reading the box the whole way. He sits down and continues to read. He has no bowl, no spoon, and the milk is still on the counter. I mention this to him. He gets up and gets the milk. Takes it to the table. Goes to get a bowl. Starts singing. Or telling a joke. Or talking about his latest book. Totally forgets what he's supposed to be doing. I remind him. He takes his bowl to the table. Pours his cereal. Gets distracted by his brother, who is playing with the dog. Blah, blah, blah. It goes on and on like this until finally, around 8:20 he's managed to eat his breakfast. He goes to get the dirty laundry out of the hampers to take it down to the laundry room. He tries to fit it all in one basket, but loses at least ten articles of clothing on the stairs on the way down. He yells "Laundry Assistance!!!" Everyone ignores him, like we do every morning.
8:30 Ten minutes before they have to leave for school. His chores should all be done and he should he assembling his stuff for school, getting his coat and backpack on and throwing his lunch in his lunch box. He's wandering around the house aimlessly, playing the piano, chasing the dog... really, there are any number of things he does during this time.
Suffice it to say, I spend the majority of my mornings nagging him to stay on task. I've tried everything from reward systems to chore charts, to letting S. and E. leave for school without him and letting him be tardy because he's so unfocused. Nothing seems to work with this kid.
This morning was worst than most, if you can imagine that. I had reminded him to get his shoes on no less than three times was completely ignored. I finally just totally lost it... yelled at him in the most awful demon-possessed sounding voice you've ever heard, and freaked all three kids out totally. It was not pretty. He got his shoes on, but I hate that the only way I can get his attention is to turn into Satan-Mommy.
Now, the worst part, is that tonight when I went downstairs to try to talk through some of this with him, I got nothin'. It's like the kid is this little empty receptacle, totally unable to contribute to a conversation, or work through a conflict with any sort of give and take. I just don't get him. And I feel like such a terrible Mom.
I can recognize his giftedness, and I see lots of great things about him when I stop and think about the boy he is becoming. But in the day to day, nitty gritty of life, he's hard to like.
And there again, I'm a bad Mom. How could I say that about my own kid?
We've noticed in the last two years that he's having problems socially at school as well. Which breaks my heart. He's such a happy and fun loving kid - to have him be bullied and teased makes me so sad. And so I want to provide a little haven for him at home - where he feels safe and loved unconditionally. But I fail at that and instead I nit-pick and let frustration rule my interactions with him.
I am so incapable of parenting this boy well. I've had good friends praying for me for years, that I would parent well this challenging boy. I pray every day for his heart - and for mine.
I never imagined, as a young pregnant wife, that I would struggle with such intense frustration as a parent. I would never have imagined that I wouldn't absolutely adore my child every minute of every day. I don't know many Moms who admit to this kind of struggle. I feel like such an anomaly. A weak link in the maternal sisterhood. A mother who doesn't like her own son. A failure.
Certainly, as with any relationship, we go through phases. This has been a challenging month, with K. losing privileges because of missing assignments at school and I'm dealing with PMS, I think... today was hard, tomorrow may be a total 180 shift. I just never know.
What I do know, is that I want to love him unconditionally. And I want to like him. I want to enjoy spending time with him. I want to be someone he feels supported by. I want him to grow and mature and be a pleasant young man to be with. I want him to have a faith that spurs him on toward obedience and being a blessing to those around him.
He's eleven. I've got seven more years (at least) to live with this boy.
I want them to be good years.
Because I can't take seven years of days like today.
K. is such a strange boy. I'll be the first to admit it. He's FULL of personality. FULL of life. FULL of noise. FULL of confidence. He's smart, but lazy. Funny, but immature. Handsome, but geeky.
Since he turned about 6, the boy has been driving me crazy. Literally up the wall crazy. His personality is so out there, constantly in your face, that living with him is a challenge. Add to that, his pre-adolescent limit pushing and self-centeredness, and I'm ready to lock the kid in a dungeon for a few years.
This morning I lost it. It was an ugly Mommy moment. His morning routine usually goes something like this: 7:30 I wake him up so he can shower
7:45 He's been in the bathroom for 15 minutes, but instead of showering, he's been sitting on the toilet reading. I yell at him to get in the shower.
8:00 This is the time he should be finishing breakfast. He's just starting. He goes to the fridge. Opens it. Asks "Can I just have a Pop Tart?" a question he totally knows the answer to - of course not. He pulls out the milk. Sets it on the counter. Goes to the pantry. Gets a box of cereal. Leans against the counter and starts reading the box. I say "K. - you're not doing anything..." He walks to the table, reading the box the whole way. He sits down and continues to read. He has no bowl, no spoon, and the milk is still on the counter. I mention this to him. He gets up and gets the milk. Takes it to the table. Goes to get a bowl. Starts singing. Or telling a joke. Or talking about his latest book. Totally forgets what he's supposed to be doing. I remind him. He takes his bowl to the table. Pours his cereal. Gets distracted by his brother, who is playing with the dog. Blah, blah, blah. It goes on and on like this until finally, around 8:20 he's managed to eat his breakfast. He goes to get the dirty laundry out of the hampers to take it down to the laundry room. He tries to fit it all in one basket, but loses at least ten articles of clothing on the stairs on the way down. He yells "Laundry Assistance!!!" Everyone ignores him, like we do every morning.
8:30 Ten minutes before they have to leave for school. His chores should all be done and he should he assembling his stuff for school, getting his coat and backpack on and throwing his lunch in his lunch box. He's wandering around the house aimlessly, playing the piano, chasing the dog... really, there are any number of things he does during this time.
Suffice it to say, I spend the majority of my mornings nagging him to stay on task. I've tried everything from reward systems to chore charts, to letting S. and E. leave for school without him and letting him be tardy because he's so unfocused. Nothing seems to work with this kid.
This morning was worst than most, if you can imagine that. I had reminded him to get his shoes on no less than three times was completely ignored. I finally just totally lost it... yelled at him in the most awful demon-possessed sounding voice you've ever heard, and freaked all three kids out totally. It was not pretty. He got his shoes on, but I hate that the only way I can get his attention is to turn into Satan-Mommy.
Now, the worst part, is that tonight when I went downstairs to try to talk through some of this with him, I got nothin'. It's like the kid is this little empty receptacle, totally unable to contribute to a conversation, or work through a conflict with any sort of give and take. I just don't get him. And I feel like such a terrible Mom.
I can recognize his giftedness, and I see lots of great things about him when I stop and think about the boy he is becoming. But in the day to day, nitty gritty of life, he's hard to like.
And there again, I'm a bad Mom. How could I say that about my own kid?
We've noticed in the last two years that he's having problems socially at school as well. Which breaks my heart. He's such a happy and fun loving kid - to have him be bullied and teased makes me so sad. And so I want to provide a little haven for him at home - where he feels safe and loved unconditionally. But I fail at that and instead I nit-pick and let frustration rule my interactions with him.
I am so incapable of parenting this boy well. I've had good friends praying for me for years, that I would parent well this challenging boy. I pray every day for his heart - and for mine.
I never imagined, as a young pregnant wife, that I would struggle with such intense frustration as a parent. I would never have imagined that I wouldn't absolutely adore my child every minute of every day. I don't know many Moms who admit to this kind of struggle. I feel like such an anomaly. A weak link in the maternal sisterhood. A mother who doesn't like her own son. A failure.
Certainly, as with any relationship, we go through phases. This has been a challenging month, with K. losing privileges because of missing assignments at school and I'm dealing with PMS, I think... today was hard, tomorrow may be a total 180 shift. I just never know.
What I do know, is that I want to love him unconditionally. And I want to like him. I want to enjoy spending time with him. I want to be someone he feels supported by. I want him to grow and mature and be a pleasant young man to be with. I want him to have a faith that spurs him on toward obedience and being a blessing to those around him.
He's eleven. I've got seven more years (at least) to live with this boy.
I want them to be good years.
Because I can't take seven years of days like today.
Yo Cathy....
ReplyDeleteWell, from my perspective as a never married, no children woman (although I have the cutest nieces and nephews and I have watched 2 families closely for 20 years), ALL parents have these moments. And personally after watching the Berglund girls (yes, those sweet girls), kids take turns to wear you down. After one kid gets tired of bothering you, annoying you, driving you crazy, ....they send out a signal to a sibling who takes over and gives child #1 a rest. Obviously, the Mommy never gets a break because the children just keep taking turns. But there is always a challenging one. My sister, Patti, has a child, Sarah, who told her on the day they were going to the dentist...as they were getting into the car....that she hadn't brushed her teeth yet. (Although Patti had told them all every 10 minutes for the previous 2 hours.) And not only that, it seems that Sarah hadn't had a toothbrush for an undertermined length of time. Days? Weeks? And had never told her Mom. Or how about the time they were all in the van, ready to get onto the ferry to cross Puget Sound, going to a doctor appointment and Patti was just going thru a funny check list"Everyone have their coats? Everyone have their shirt on? Everyone have shoes? " Oops....seems Sarah forgot to put on shoes before she left the house and get into the van. Emergency stop at Freddies once they were in Seattle. Peggy's daughter McKenzie is also somewhat flightly. When she was your son's age, her big thing was trying to 'stay on task'. It's a kid thing. But ya know, Cathy, I think God also uses these times to teach us adults how to be more "grown up". And I learn alot about God by watching family dynamics. Doncha think God is up there ready to yell because how MANY times has He told us to "STAY ON TASK!". So, don't feel bad. The bottom line is the kids know you love them. They feel protected and safe. To them you are Super-Mom! Hang in there. (hmmm.....I wonder how you could scrap book that event! Maybe you could just take a photo of the cereal box and empty bowl and then him maybe reading the box.) Have a better day tomorrow! You're a great Mom.
Take solice in the fact that you are not alone - my daughter is only 6 and I can see how the next 12 years are going to go. I too sometimes wonder what is wrong with ME (typical mom reaction, huh?)that I can't get my child to stay on track. I finally decided that I can't be the only one who doesn't like her child sometimes - and each time remind myself that the feeling will pass...and it does, usually with her turning to me and saying "I love you mommy!" & my heart melts again.
ReplyDeleteCathy,
ReplyDeleteI think K and my son S are twins. If it is any consolation, we are experiencing many of the same things at my house with my 11 yr old boy. I've come to a place of understanding that much of what is happening is my son just being a boy. I'm not a boy, and I didn't get raised with boys (I have 5 sisters), so this stuff is all new to me.
We've had the missing assignments/aimlessness/lack of hobbies/lack of focus/no friends/awkwardness at school/social problems/bad grades/lack of motivation at my house, too.
My son is young for his age. He hasn't hit the maturity growth spurt yet, and our society expects so much of boys. I think he is having a hard time navigating the world, and he's not succeeding at much of anything right now. I look at his behavior and I have to dig deep to realize that he is not engaging in out-and-out defiance with his behavior. He's just kind of lost.
My husband and I have had many bad parenting moments--much of it because I feel afraid that if things keep going the way they seem to be going, he will be a friendless, jobless 30-yr-old living at my house!
When I looked at the fear, I said to myself, "Your job is to LOVE him and guide him." He is getting his a_ _ kicked in the outside world these days, he needs at least some of his life where he is not feeling pressured.
So what have I done? I've backed off with my expectations. He has a C- average at the expensive private school we sent him to because I was afraid of bullying at the bigger junio r high. We have him in guitar lessons (something he's asked for), and I'm not nagging about practicing---but the lessons will stop at the end of March if he hasn't motivated himself. The key is to not YELL about this turn of events when they happen. My husband and I fretted behind the scenes, but he did his science fair project all by himself. It was not at all clear he would even turn it in, but we decided to let him get an F--to experience failure at 11 rather than years from now at 18. He DID get it in, so that worked out ok. My change was that I didn't ride him the whole time about doing his work, his schedule, whether it was his best job possible...
I guess what I'm saying is that our boys are struggling with the world right now, and when I feel like "satan Mommy," I have to step back and remind myself that our home is his haven. I won't accept him constantly bickering with his sister and just being conflict-oriented (Go to your room! at a screaming level is very common at my house), but I do try to create time in the day where he can just hang, can just be. At our house? We are watching every last episode of Classic Star Trek as a family, and that has become precious time where my boy is just a boy and he even lets me sit next to him on the couch.
Hang in there, Cathy. You are not alone.
HMBalison
ok, i don't have kids myself, but i'm also not entirely naive to this situation. i think it takes a certain kind of strength to love a child even when you don't "like" him. i'm glad you can admit that. so many parents get caught up in the "my child is perfect" mentality and it's OK to see that your child isn't perfect. lean on Jesus, lean on your hubby. you guys will get through, and K. will be all the better for his own struggles. these are character building years.
ReplyDeleteHey Cathy,
ReplyDeleteI have one child, Logan, who is easily distracted and spends a lot of time trying to remember what he is doing...early mornings are the worst. He does great in school, but common sense....hmmm.
What I really wanted to comment on though is the child that you find so hard...that was Jared my oldest. I was sure that I had fully rejected him and that he may turn into a delinquent due to his freak out mom. Last year homeschooling, I thought it was irrepairable damage done to our relationship....
I thank God for this year. He turned 13 and we have just walked into this new thing. He started jr. high and just seemed to find his own space apart from me. We really have a new deep respect for each other. He is more able to have a heart to heart when we come into conflict and can even say things like, "Mom, when you start worrying it feels like the end of the world as we know it - and I don't really think that is fair to put on me or the kids." Wow, I am learning so much and NOW another child (the girl-11) is causing some anguish - but God is healing Jared and me and giving us the opportunity to hear each others' hearts and create our own autonomy from each other.I pray this for you and K.
Thank you all so much for your encouragement. It is SO good to know I'm not alone in my struggle.
ReplyDeleteI'm really hoping for a turn around at some point, like you described, Corey. But I think I need to be prepared for that to never happen too. It's certainly an area I have to lay at God's feet... I have to surrender my hopes for our relationship and my desire for who I think K. should be... it's so hard.
I appreciate all of your input so much.
Thank you.
Cathy,
ReplyDeleteRaising children is no breeze but God is working in every aspect of your child raising. Some things seem like they would have no purpose and why is that child so stubborn...but looking back on raising you :) we had our difficult moments because you had a mind of your own. Yes, we were frustrated many, many times thinking she just won't listen and storms off to her room. How do we get her to listen to us.
BUT now as hindsight I am so thankful God gave you that quality of determination and strong will because when we had to send you off to the inner city it was one of the things that sustained me knowing you would stand up for yourself and had the stubborness and determination to not be worn down with your circumstances. You were a person with back bone and that was so necessary for me to know and helped me to feel you would be safe. You see, God knows what Kyler is like and what he will need when he grows up and while now it seems like diversty and strife some of those qualities he has may be forming him for later life even though right now it doesn't seem like it is heading in any direction. Just hang in there, God is forming his personality and will use it in his life even though it doesn't seem to relate right now.
Love you
Mom
PS You were still fun to have around and we loved you even though we may not have always liked the way you were acting at some given time. That has nothing to do with the love you have for your child! It is jist total frustration as to what you think you are doing wrong.
Cathy, I am so sorry that you are feeling like a bad mom and that it's all your fault. I am sure you have been a great mom but what about letting him fall where he falls? Kind of like the Love and Logic system. Consequences. I am sure I am not telling you anything that you haven't already heard or know, but he doesn't have to be responsible if he has a mom that will rescue him and keep him on task. He knows what he needs to do, right? So he goes to school with no breakfast, or unshowered. I bet it will only happen a couple of times. Breath, relax and focus on the things you love about him. Good luck, don't beat yourself up. You're a wonderful mom!
ReplyDeleteOh, Cath-I'm sad to hear your sadness. You are a great mom! I think you said it best. He's eleven. Eleven year old boys are, at best, dorky, geeky, unorganized. He is normal and you are normal. I would suggest you go back tonight and read your post about Kyler's b-day party. It was a beautiful tribute to him and who he can someday become. It made me teary when I read it. Go back to that day and try to focus on those emotions. I'll continue to pray for you. I know it always helps you when you take him on a date. Maybe it is time to do a date night. I love you, Cath!!!
ReplyDeleteI have those days all the time. Kendra can drive me crazy at times and nothing phases her. I feel like there is nothing I can take away to help her improve her attitude at times. WOW! Your day sounded so familiar. You are not alone....and there are probably alot of moms who are the same way...they just aren't talking. Love you!
ReplyDelete