I've been thinking lots today about a couple of things. I'll post about one now. And the other, well, that's another day, since I'm not sure I've come to any conclusions that are worth sharing.
Creativity is an interesting animal.
I know I'm creative. I've known it my whole life. From elementary school when I was writing songs and poems, to highschool when I was the queen bee of painting spirit posters and making up cheers, to my craft show days and the hours I spent quilting as a young pregnant wife. I need to create. Its in my bones. It's a part of being a child of the Creator.
I love the thrill of taking a pile of stuff and making something that wasn't there before.
Lately though, I've been struggling.
I get paid to create. And then to teach others to duplicate what I've created.
I often feel guilty about this. Because I don't really feel like what I have to offer is anything worthwhile. After all, if people are just cloning my designs, then they're just cloning my designs. They aren't creating - they're copying. I wish I could inspire real creativity in people. Creativity that pushes them to reach within themselves and find that place where color and texture and design flow freely - that place of satisfaction in creating something truly unique.
Instead, I design a project, and ten people pay me to come and make the very same project. Which, I guess is what they want to do, since they're paying the money for it. But it sometimes feels artificial to me.
I think part of why I'm struggling with this is that I haven't felt too thrilled with my designs lately. I'm uninspired. Tired. Plum out of ideas.
Tonight I told Asia I needed to come into my room and remain undisturbed so I could finish up a class sample that's been hanging over my head for weeks. People are asking for this sample.
So here I've been, pushing through the slump to try to finish up the project.
I hate it.
It's boring and uninspired and blah.
But I've just got to finish it. Regardless. The sample has got to go up.
I don't even want the finished product. So often lately, I finish up with a class and I just throw the sample in a big box full of other class samples. I never use them.
I haven't scrapbooked a page for myself for months. For one thing, my studio is such a pigpen - the aftermath of the kitchen remodel that I've had no desire to attack. I don't even like my studio right now - so why would I want to clean it up?
I'm drowning in paper and ribbon and samples and catalogs and crap. Crap everywhere. And I just keep buying more.
It's ugly in here.
So where does this leave me?
I'm not sure.
I told Mindy the other day I wasn't even sure I liked scrapbooking anymore.
Yikes.
But I do. I know I do. I just don't like what it's become for me right now.
I really need to get organized. And I need a schedule - so I can work regularly and get samples done in a timely manner - and still have time to do stuff for myself.
The art journal is the one thing I'm absolutely loving right now - but I'm currently three weeks behind on those assignments and feel the dark cloud of apathy looming imminently over my shoulder. As much as I love the creative process, and have been inspired by the prompts from this class, I'm overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the responsibilities I must fulfill before I can indulge in the journal...
What I need is an overhaul.
A total studio makeover and a plan for my free time so I can be productive and have fun creating.
I really need to be disciplined to get this done. But discipline is one of my weaker points. I'd venture to say it's my weakest point.
I think CHA contributed to my funk. While I came to the conclusion that I'm glad I'm not on a manufacturers design team or having to travel like many professional designers, I was blown away by the talent behind the products and the designs I saw. I'm content with my job - and I know I'm blessed to have such a great opportunity to design and teach - all on my own schedule... but there is a lot of ambivalence in my heart about whether this is all I want. Should I be pursuing other opportunities? Or should I be doing less? Would I welcome the opportunity to just be a scrapbooker and not a teacher? I don't know. I just don't know.
I do feel like I've lost some of the joy I used to experience in the creative process. And I'd like that to change.
Maybe if I could actually walk across the floor of my studio without knocking my shins on boxes and tripping over bags full of crap I could find some satisfaction more easily... maybe.
Maybe I just need to purge. Organize. Clear out.
Maybe I need to actually do something with the years and years of backlogged photos I've got collecting dust in here.
Maybe I just need some time off.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Creativity is an interesting animal.
I know I'm creative. I've known it my whole life. From elementary school when I was writing songs and poems, to highschool when I was the queen bee of painting spirit posters and making up cheers, to my craft show days and the hours I spent quilting as a young pregnant wife. I need to create. Its in my bones. It's a part of being a child of the Creator.
I love the thrill of taking a pile of stuff and making something that wasn't there before.
Lately though, I've been struggling.
I get paid to create. And then to teach others to duplicate what I've created.
I often feel guilty about this. Because I don't really feel like what I have to offer is anything worthwhile. After all, if people are just cloning my designs, then they're just cloning my designs. They aren't creating - they're copying. I wish I could inspire real creativity in people. Creativity that pushes them to reach within themselves and find that place where color and texture and design flow freely - that place of satisfaction in creating something truly unique.
Instead, I design a project, and ten people pay me to come and make the very same project. Which, I guess is what they want to do, since they're paying the money for it. But it sometimes feels artificial to me.
I think part of why I'm struggling with this is that I haven't felt too thrilled with my designs lately. I'm uninspired. Tired. Plum out of ideas.
Tonight I told Asia I needed to come into my room and remain undisturbed so I could finish up a class sample that's been hanging over my head for weeks. People are asking for this sample.
So here I've been, pushing through the slump to try to finish up the project.
I hate it.
It's boring and uninspired and blah.
But I've just got to finish it. Regardless. The sample has got to go up.
I don't even want the finished product. So often lately, I finish up with a class and I just throw the sample in a big box full of other class samples. I never use them.
I haven't scrapbooked a page for myself for months. For one thing, my studio is such a pigpen - the aftermath of the kitchen remodel that I've had no desire to attack. I don't even like my studio right now - so why would I want to clean it up?
I'm drowning in paper and ribbon and samples and catalogs and crap. Crap everywhere. And I just keep buying more.
It's ugly in here.
So where does this leave me?
I'm not sure.
I told Mindy the other day I wasn't even sure I liked scrapbooking anymore.
Yikes.
But I do. I know I do. I just don't like what it's become for me right now.
I really need to get organized. And I need a schedule - so I can work regularly and get samples done in a timely manner - and still have time to do stuff for myself.
The art journal is the one thing I'm absolutely loving right now - but I'm currently three weeks behind on those assignments and feel the dark cloud of apathy looming imminently over my shoulder. As much as I love the creative process, and have been inspired by the prompts from this class, I'm overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the responsibilities I must fulfill before I can indulge in the journal...
What I need is an overhaul.
A total studio makeover and a plan for my free time so I can be productive and have fun creating.
I really need to be disciplined to get this done. But discipline is one of my weaker points. I'd venture to say it's my weakest point.
I think CHA contributed to my funk. While I came to the conclusion that I'm glad I'm not on a manufacturers design team or having to travel like many professional designers, I was blown away by the talent behind the products and the designs I saw. I'm content with my job - and I know I'm blessed to have such a great opportunity to design and teach - all on my own schedule... but there is a lot of ambivalence in my heart about whether this is all I want. Should I be pursuing other opportunities? Or should I be doing less? Would I welcome the opportunity to just be a scrapbooker and not a teacher? I don't know. I just don't know.
I do feel like I've lost some of the joy I used to experience in the creative process. And I'd like that to change.
Maybe if I could actually walk across the floor of my studio without knocking my shins on boxes and tripping over bags full of crap I could find some satisfaction more easily... maybe.
Maybe I just need to purge. Organize. Clear out.
Maybe I need to actually do something with the years and years of backlogged photos I've got collecting dust in here.
Maybe I just need some time off.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Some random thoughts in response. God gave you a gift in your creativity and you do inspire others even when they are just copying your ideas. God didn't give all of us the same gifts. I love to take home something cute that I have made in your classes, even if it wasn't my idea or design. I love my Christmas recipe book because I included my own recipes and made it my own. So, don't think that you don't inspire others.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I think you are at the place in your "career" where you need to take the part of your job that is at home as seriously as you do the part that you get paid for. I'm talking about setting "office hours" for yourself or something like that. Take a couple of weeks to make your space fun and organized and then set a schedule that you stick to. I know you don't get paid for it, but true artists don't get paid for most of the work they do. (And I do consider you a true artist!)
I probably should email you these thoughts instead of writing a long response, but oh well...too late. I am learning more every year that worth while things take discipline and commitment to make them happen. For me, it is about putting systems into place that force me into that discipline!
You inspire me!
Cathy,
ReplyDeleteEvery person who creates hits a wall....so I've been there. Disorganization always makes me feel crazy--and not in a way that feeds my creativity. Even if you can only tackle one small thing like the top of your desk, getting your space into a place that you can work is a way to begin to take of your creative self. And I always find cleaning and organizing meditative--I get good ideas for things as I chug along wiping and throwing away.
As for those samples that you are throwing in a box, how about having a craft sale and after you organize your office, you sell those samples and any "extra" paper, ribbon, etc. that you can't use. Honor the stuff that you've made as art. It is!
Take one small step today. I'll do the same.
HMBalison
Cath, I bet you could ebay some of those samples! I mean those that you don't give to me, that is. :-)
ReplyDelete