My family was gone all weekend.
Asia took them up to a friends' cabin, and since I had to work on Friday, and we didn't want to kennel the dog, I stayed home.
The whole house to myself for almost 48 hours.
That's a long time to not have anyone else to talk to.
So I did some thinking.
Quite a bit, actually.
And here's what I think.
I think I'm going through some sort of a mid-life thingy.
I won't call it a crisis. Because it's not.
But there are definitely thoughts running through my mind that are disconcerting. And annoying. And I pretty much want them to go away.
Thoughts like 'is this all there is?' and 'what have I done with my life?' and 'what else could I have done?' and 'I'm such a loser because I haven't moved to Africa.'
I think some of those questions can be good. But when they start to mess with contentment, then they become bad. Because I want to be content.
I'm just wanting something more. More challenge. More impact. More excitement.
More.
But then I get all fearful and desperately hope that nothing more happens. Because that might invite tragedy. Or some sort of test of faith that I'm terrified to face.
So I'm all freaky and fickly and undecided and yet strangely content all at the same time.
Try living with that running through your brain all weekend long. It's not pretty.
So when my little brown-backed children came home with their handsome Dad, I was more than happy too see them and have a distraction from myself.
But the thoughts are still there, threatening to creep from the back of my mind up to the forefront. Thank goodness for noisy kids and laundry and chores and meals to prepare. They certainly help keep the noise of my mind down to a dull roar instead of being the only thing I hear.
'Cause I can only take so much introspection.
Especially when it's of the mid-life thingy variety.
Happy Monday, friends.
Asia took them up to a friends' cabin, and since I had to work on Friday, and we didn't want to kennel the dog, I stayed home.
The whole house to myself for almost 48 hours.
That's a long time to not have anyone else to talk to.
So I did some thinking.
Quite a bit, actually.
And here's what I think.
I think I'm going through some sort of a mid-life thingy.
I won't call it a crisis. Because it's not.
But there are definitely thoughts running through my mind that are disconcerting. And annoying. And I pretty much want them to go away.
Thoughts like 'is this all there is?' and 'what have I done with my life?' and 'what else could I have done?' and 'I'm such a loser because I haven't moved to Africa.'
I think some of those questions can be good. But when they start to mess with contentment, then they become bad. Because I want to be content.
I'm just wanting something more. More challenge. More impact. More excitement.
More.
But then I get all fearful and desperately hope that nothing more happens. Because that might invite tragedy. Or some sort of test of faith that I'm terrified to face.
So I'm all freaky and fickly and undecided and yet strangely content all at the same time.
Try living with that running through your brain all weekend long. It's not pretty.
So when my little brown-backed children came home with their handsome Dad, I was more than happy too see them and have a distraction from myself.
But the thoughts are still there, threatening to creep from the back of my mind up to the forefront. Thank goodness for noisy kids and laundry and chores and meals to prepare. They certainly help keep the noise of my mind down to a dull roar instead of being the only thing I hear.
'Cause I can only take so much introspection.
Especially when it's of the mid-life thingy variety.
Happy Monday, friends.
Ah, other strange thoughts we have in common. I find that it is when I am alone (although I long for it) that I have my most discontent thoughts. Hmmmmmm, so perhaps what I long for most is not the best thing for me. Interesting, I'll have to ponder that some more.
ReplyDeleteIt was so fun to see you on Saturday!!
I spend hours wondering why that happens when I am alone...I don't have any answers except that there is a realization that I am usually functioning in my "real" world on empty - but the alone time doesn't give a full recharge - do you think it is midlife? I feel it is related to creativity and melancholy...but I don't know - I was in the hole this morning - and then I found a black shirt I have been searching for for days - I became ecstatic and today was going to be a great day....so scary.
ReplyDeleteHey, I just watched a beautiful sad yet inspirational movie "The Painted Veil" - tell me whatcha think of it?
Maybe you're being stirred so you can be stretched. I know there are seasons for those :)
ReplyDeleteThis is an opportunity to realize how blessed you are to have your wonderful family with you, and the ability to balance, however precariously, your work and family responsibilities. Take full advantage of the time you have, with and without your family around. Look deeply into the Word, with thoughtful prayer, then listen for that still, quiet answer to come.
ReplyDeleteIt is not a midlife thingy, it is a life thingy. God Bless!
BumpahKevin
Hi Cath
ReplyDeletegood questions for you to be thinking. That sort of evaluation can be productive. I like the You that you've become. I do. I'm glad to know you.
And the "BumpahKevin"? That's my sweet step-dad.
gosh my brain works like yours...
ReplyDeletenutty stuff ....
hugs
blessings
peace
love
prayer
grace
hope
to you friend
I agree with Susie, and the other comments. Introspection like this only makes you stronger. It is very productive although it might not feel like it. Hugs to you, Cath.
ReplyDelete