Keepin' it real

I've struggled with writing lately.

For one thing, my 'n' keeps sticking on my keyboard. Drives me crazy.

But really, the main reason is that stuff's been hard lately. And I'm hesitant to write about this particular struggle.

I'm not sure why. Or maybe I am sure why and that's why I don't do it.

But the truth is, I have tried really hard in the last few years to be real about where I'm at - what God is or isn't doing in me - and so in the spirit of maintaining an honest record of my life (which is why I blog,) I'm going to write.

And I'm not going to edit much... so forgive me if this ends up a little disjointed. Or a little harsh sounding. Or a little hopeless. I'm in this place where there is little resolution, so don't expect me to be able to wrap it up in a nice little box for you. It's going to be a little on the rough side. That I can promise.

I find myself in such a hard place.

So many of my thoughts are half-formed. I feel like my brain is doing it's darndest to keep itself disengaged from my heart. And yet there is this lonely, desperate feeling in my heart just begging to be addressed. But because I'm terrified of it, most of the time I'm just pushing through, doing whatever it takes to get through the day.

Pushing through.

We've had some really rough patches with Tejan.

His behavior has pushed me so far... and because he is not my child, I find myself confused and frustrated - feeling like I can't effectively parent him.

I think a huge reason I haven't wanted to write about this is that I want to protect him. I do not want to present him in a negative light. Because he is a remarkable boy. A boy who has been through more in his short life than I may ever face. But he is still a child - and an ornery one at that. And he's been a little pickle lately.

Tejan picks on Ethan. A lot. And then refuses to take responsibility for his actions. And while I can be strict and take away privileges, I cannot seem to help him understand how to soften his heart. It's so hard to see him full of bitterness and anger. Especially when those emotions are directed at my baby, who has such a tender heart.

And then there's Christmas, which presents a huge quandary for me.

T. worked really hard to try to ruin the two birthdays we've celebrated so far this fall - Savannah's and Ethan's. For some reason he was unwilling or unable to join in celebrating and instead chose to try to sabotage their special days.

Asia and I both worked for years at a group home for severely behaviorally challenged kids... and parenting kids who are determined to choose hardness and hurt over love and forgiveness is a skill we developed in our time there. But there was an emotional detachment there - it was my job. This is SO different. This is my life. My family. And this is a boy I LOVE. But when he chooses to attack my kids or try to ruin a special day for whatever reason, it's all I can do to maintain my decorum.

What in the world will Christmas be like?

I have no idea what to buy for Tejan, because he already has more stuff than he can take back to Africa, and has already been given many many expensive gifts from well-meaning people who have crossed paths with him. But I want him to feel special on Christmas, so of course I want to get him something. And yet, there's a part of me that doesn't want to get him anything. Because my heart is sort of ugly in this area. I feel like I've given SO much already... and he doesn't need stuff. And what he really needs I can't give him. And I'm afraid that no matter what I get him, he's going to choose to ruin the day anyway.

And then there's the whole fact that he'll be leaving us in less than two months. And there's this dichotomy in my brain... part of me wanting him to go (which leads to horrible feelings of guilt) and part that feels like I will want to die because it will be like ripping out a huge part of my heart to say goodbye to him.

So, you can see that there are some pretty distressing and exhausting thoughts running through my brain each day.

And this doesn't even really begin to address many of my them.

I feel as though I'm in the middle of this huge paradigm shift. That everything I knew is changing. That my world is no longer easily packaged. Instead, it is disorganized. Unsettled. Foreign and forever altered.

Even my faith is shaken a bit.
(It's so hard to admit that.)

I expected this whole adventure to strengthen my faith.

But right now I feel like I'm on shaky ground.

I told a dear friend the other day that I sometimes want like crazy to go back to what life was like before I started dreaming about Africa.

But I can never go back, can I?

And I don't really know how to go forward.

So I'll just live this moment.

And I'll pray and ask God to show me.

Show me how to do this.

Because I'm on uncharted, unfamiliar ground. And I feel like a failure. And I'm tired.

So just get me through this moment, dear Lord. And the next one... and the next one.

"Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4 & 5