thoughts from the deep recesses

So for about the last week, off and on, T. has complained about his leg hurting. He thought it was his shoes... they were hightops, and getting a little small. So over the weekend, we bought new shoes. Monday, of course was his dental surgery. No complaints about his leg for a couple of days after that... I figured the new shoes must have solved the problem. But then again yesterday his leg was hurting. So last night, I had my nurse-y friend, Christa come over to take a peek at it. I was concerned because it was looking really swollen. And if felt like there was a lot of fluid in it. So Christa, after looking at it, recommended that we have someone check it out. This morning, I called Shriners and explained. They had lots of cancellations because of the snow so we were able to get right in. And then we spent three hours there, as they took blood and fluid to send to the lab. And x-rays. And they discovered that he has an infection in his bone from one of the screws in his leg. And he n...

I feel like I just need to be quiet for a few days. We're keeping Tejan until the 4th now - with the snow, we cannot make the drive to Seattle as planned and will instead take him to the airport on Monday so he can fly over. He will leave the country on the 7th. So we get a couple of extra days. But our goodbye has to take place at the airport, which frankly, makes me sad. But then, it will make me sad no matter where it happens. So I am taking a break. I need time to just be with him without processing and writing and posting. I'll be back. When I'm ready.

The snow berms outside are so high, yesterday when I was out driving around, the top of the snow was up to my window. We've lived in Spokane for 9 1/2 years and I've never seen snow like this. In fact, I've never seen snow like this in my life. There are supposed to be 3 to 5 more inches today and a whole bunch more on Thursday... wow. It's just amazingly beautiful and cool. My kids are home from school again today. Two snow days in a row is unheard of for Spokane Public Schools. Kyler is in seventh grade and this is the first time he's ever had a snow day, let alone two. Tejan is feeling great this morning. Not one complaint about his mouth being sore. I hate having dental work done and would be milking 8 fillings and an extraction for days. Thank goodness, he's not. Gracie is not a fan of snow up to her belly. She's taken to pooping on the driveway because it's the only place she can go where she's not up to her nose in snow. At least that way I ca...

Today T. had his last surgery - reconstructive dental surgery. It was supposed to last about an hour. It took 3 1/2. Eight fillings and an extraction. He's sound asleep on the couch. But pain free. Did you hear that? Pain free! It was such a relief to see him wake up without any major complaints. He just wanted to eat. So now we're done. We've done all that needed to be done for him. And now, he gets to go home. Home to Africa. Because Africa is his home. {Thank you, Lord Jesus, for taking care of this little boy. For bringing him through general anesthesia three times with no complications. For providing so many generous and kind doctors who donated their time and expertise. For giving me the strength to be Tejan's comfort and caregiver. Thank you for the privilege of sitting for hours and hours in waiting rooms with this amazing child. Thank you for the chance to hold his hand and kiss his forehead and be the one to see the first glimmer of a smile after a long recove...

I'd bet there are 15 inches of snow out there. If you look at the second picture, you'll see the the snow up to the base of the bird bath. Crazy. Lots of snow. Lots and lots and lots. And it's still coming down.

If you've seen my oldest son, Kyler lately, you know that as he progresses through puberty and becomes a young man, his hair just gets bigger and bigger. The boy has THICK, curly, amazing hair. And it's become quite the topic of conversation in our circle. Sometimes I wonder where he gets all that hair. I have thick hair, but it's stick straight. And it lies nicely next to my head. Kyler's hair is huge. If he would let me style it, I'd bet I could get it to be even bigger. But of course I'm not allowed to touch it. And then there's Ethan. My baby. Ouch. This boy's got some hair too, let me tell you. Wiry, thick, brillo pad hair. If it gets longer than about an inch, it sticks out in all directions, and no product I've ever found will make it lie flat. My boys have weird hair. That's all there is to it. Sometimes I wonder where it came from. But then, I'll stumble across this picture. Mystery solved. (Scroll down and brace yourself...)

I've been feeling lots of nervous, expectant energy lately. Like, "What's next?" It's kept me awake several nights, but other than that, it's okay. It makes me do things. I've been very productive. And I find myself feeling really empowered... like "I hosted and African child in my home - what else can I do?" I want to take pictures lately. But I already took lots of pictures of the snow. I want the snow to melt and the grass to turn green and flowers to start blooming. However, regardless of my needs, the snow isn't going anywhere. It's freaking 9 degrees outside. Kyler has been sick for three days. His fever last night was 103.3. It's so much easier to have a 13 year old with a fever than it was say, 10 years ago. All my kids had febrile seizures, so fevers were scary when they were little. Now he just lays on the couch and feels the need to remind me every ten minutes how sick he is. I think he thinks I think he's faking and ...

If you want to see it bigger, you can click here .

We were on an overnight trip. And we were spending the night in a super huge house. I was sleeping at one end of the house. And Tejan was sleeping clear at the other end of the house. All night long I heard him calling "Auntie Cathy!" But I couldn't get to him. He was too far away.

In an effort to get ya'll to waste as much time as I do on the internet, here are 10 blogs I find myself visiting on a regular basis. They're informative, light, and chock-full of good stuff. Some of them may just make you get up and do a happy-dance, as they did me. Seriously. So without further ado, Kari & Kijsa: Now don't go asking me how to pronounce that second chick's name, 'cause I've no idea. But these diet-coke addicted sisters make me laugh out loud. They like to decorate. And shop. A lot. ( I'd like to interrupt with a quick little thank you to the English teacher whose name I've forgotten from Clatsop Community College who taught a VERY early morning college English class at my highschool when I was a senior - he was the one who taught me that 'a lot 'should be two words instead of one. 'A lot'. Not 'alot.' Now if he'd just have taught me whether the period goes inside the little single quotation marks or not,...

But I felt the need to write. Lots going through this little brain today. So much to think about, really. And so I want to write. Because I process really well when I write. I'm a "write-to-think" kind of gal. Asia and I were at a Marriage Mentor's retreat for the weekend. Which was boringly similar to a Pre-Marriage Enrichment we attended a year or so ago (so we could see what couples we would mentor had been through...) So it was a little long. And repetitive. But I'm not complaining, because I got to sit in the back with my love (he always has to sit in the back because his back bothers him and he needs to get up and stand often) and we wrote notes and whispered. Totally juvenille. But fun, nonetheless. I promise we were not disruptive. And it was at a Catholic retreat center with lots of religious icons and nuns and devout seminarians walking around and very simple, monastic surroundings. Somehow, it was just what I needed. Tejan spent the weekend with friends...

I wrote this letter to a group of people who have supported, loved and prayed for our family as we've shared our home with Tejan. Because I've felt so much love and support from you, my blog readers, I wanted to share it here too... (Happy Friday!) "First of all, let me apologize for not writing an update for so long. I feel as though in the past 6-8 weeks we've settled into such a nice routine with Tejan and I think I've just wanted to enjoy it... We are down to our last few weeks with T. in our home. He has a couple more doctor's appointments - mostly follow-ups on previous procedures, and one dental surgery scheduled for the 28th, but other than that, he is pretty much finished with the medical care he came here to receive. Depending on how things continue to grow and heal, he may need to come back at some point for more treatment but at this point, he is being released with a clean bill of health. Praise God for His provision for the tens of thousands of do...

because she's positively been harassing me about posting this. My Yummy Banana Bread Recipe 1 1/4 c. sugar 1/2 c. butter, softened 2 eggs 1 1/2 c. mashed ripe bananas 1/2 c. buttermilk 1 teaspoon vanilla 2 1/2 c. flour 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt Topping: 3 tablespoons each of flour, oats, brown sugar and butter. Heat oven to 350 degrees. Grease bottom only of a 9 x 5 x 3 loaf pan. Mix sugar and butter in large bowl. Stir in eggs until well blended. Add bananas, buttermilk and vanilla. Beat until smooth. Stir in remaining ingredients just until moistened. Pour into pan. In small bowl, combine first three topping ingredients. Cut butter into dry ingredients and sprinkle over batter in pan. Bake 1 1/4 hours or until wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Yummy.

At work on Friday I had a strange repeat of The Mysterious Appearing of Unknown Underwear . I was helping a customer find something and I walked around the corner of a paper rack to find a pair of Jockey for Her boycut panties lying smack in the middle of the floor space between the My Mind's Eye Valentine paper and the Karen Foster license plate embellishments. Color me surprised! Is it just me or is it weird that underwear of unknown origin seem to follow me around? Sunshiney day here in Spokane today. We've had lots of grey and fog - so it's refreshing to see the sun. It seriously makes me want to curl up on the carpet with Gracie and take a nap. I'm coming up on my three year blog anniversary and my ten year (cover your ears, men) breast reduction anniversary. Who-hooo!!! Let's celebrate! I get to exhibit at the school's art night on Thursday... this is one of my favorite events at the kids' school - where a bunch of community and parent artists show th...

I just got home from Costco. Asia and I took two cars to church this morning, since he had to take Kyler early to meet a friend who's taking him snowboarding today. That freed me up to go straight to Costco after church, while Asia took the younger two boys and came home. Savannah spent the night at a friends' house. Tejan is now playing at a friends' house. (His social calendar is quite amazingly busy as all his friends try to get time in with him before he leaves... he's in demand . Big time.) Kyler is still gone. I'm hoping he hasn't broken any bones yet. Or gone off a deep crevasse. (I love saying that word. Crevasse. Crevasse. It makes me feel smart for some reason.) Savannah isn't home yet. Asia and Ethan are watching some science fiction movie and E. just told me "Mom, go take your nap." Well then. The dog is asleep in her chair. And I'm about to go take E.'s advice. Happy Sunday, friends.

There she is. Little Cathy Carson, Brownie. Notice the 'Tenille' haircut. Did anyone else have the 'Tenille?' It was a good option for anyone who was too nervous to go as short as the 'Dorothy Hamill.' Especially when it's your first haircut, ever. I was a good Brownie. I sold lots of cookies. That was back in the day when the thin mints actually had a layer of mint in them. Ah, 1977...

Wide awake at 3:00 am this morning, thank to the piles of snow falling from the overladen trees outside. Do you know that thump-thump-thump-thump sound? It's quite loud in the midst of the middle-of-the-night peaceful whiteness of heavy snowfall . Loud enough to wake me up at least. But you should be glad. Because I laid there for awhile, and then decided I've done a huge disservice to all my blog readers by not sharing enough of my most favorite recipes. And since I'm at the point where I'm either going to depress you with the impending doom of Tejan's departure or totally ignore my plight and regale you with frivolous things like recipes, I suspect this is the better of the two options. Hey, it's better than terrifying you with random non-emotionally draining but scary personal factoids ... So here you go. Make this for dinner this week and you'll be thanking your lucky stars that Spokane got 8 inches of snow last night. Cathy's Really Good Meatballs...

Every child in this house now has an MP3 player. I may never need to speak again. They can't hear me anyway... Tejan became the proud owner of not one, not two , but three annoying Christmas-carol-singing animated toys over the holidays. Does anyone want a Santa on a Harley? He even dances! We're supposed to get 4 to 6 inches of snow today. And more tomorrow. And more the next day. SO much snow this year. My new year's resolution this year is to use less plastic. Mainly plastic bags... I bought some great reusable bags at Ikea and am actually remembering to take them into the store with me. It feels good. I despise plastic bags. Asia got Blokus for Christmas - it's a fun strategy game... we're all enjoying it. We're a game playing family - so new games are always good. Class today... 14 students or something crazy like that. I'll need to wake up first, for sure. So tired lately. I find myself looking at cruise websites lately... just wanting some sort of g...

I love it when it snows. I never want to move from Spokane because snowfall is so very much better than rainfall. It doesn't really get you wet, you know. Just sparkly. And shoveling is just an easy workout. No complaints about snow here... I just found myself in a trance, staring at the reflection of the snow falling outside on the picture frame that hangs above the computer moniter... not sure how long I stared off like that. I've not slept well in over a week. That makes it easy to fall into a trance-like state, staring at the falling snow. I'm so interested in this process I'm in - where I'm emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed - but full of nervous creative energy and motivated to accomplish stuff like I haven't been in years. It's sort of like the nesting that happens at the end of a pregnancy. So strange. I'm cleaning closets and collaging and recycling with a vengeance and painting and sorting and planning... I just want to do . And since I can...

Because he tucks me in for my Sunday nap. And he gets me tissue when I cry in church. And he says "I've missed you" when we crawl into bed after a busy day. Because he loves me whether I'm in my sweats or in my cutest outfit. And he belly-laughs at my jokes. I really love my husband.

I usually like to blog about happy things. Things that inspire and entertain and maybe make you laugh. But I also like to blog about my struggles and my fears and God's grace. Things may be weighted a little more heavily as I walk through the next few weeks... and if you're here for the entertainment, I apologize. If you don't know what to say, it's okay. You really don't have to say anything at all. But I want to continue the honest record of my life and my heart... so bear with me. It is what it is... His skinny little hand slips into mine. So tiny. His hugs are small as well. Almost as if there is nothing there to hold. Like hugging a flag pole. Almost as though my arms are empty. Three to four and then back to three again. How does one go back to three again? Two years ago when I began praying for Africa, I had no idea that I was going to eventually send my heart there permanently... that I would have to grieve like this... It's so hard to talk about. And ...

Last night, as he does every night, Asia asked the kids what they did at school. When it was Savannah's turn, she decided to tell us about her reading assignment at school, which included reading books from three different genres. She told us one of the books she read was a historical fiction about a girl whose father went off to war and the letters they wrote each other while he was gone. Ethan was listening as he ate and when Savannah finished her synopsis of the book he got a perplexed look on his face and asked "What's so funny about that?" Savannah looked at him, just as confused, and said, "It's not funny." E. replied, "But you said it was hysterical fiction..."

I guess I should blog. I'm being S.L.O.W. about getting back into real life after the holidays. I think I don't want to admit that they're over - that time is marching on... Today after school Ethan dropped to the floor and started crying. "I don't want Tejan to leave next month," he sobbed. "I've gotten so used to having him here." Aye. There's the rub. I've spent the whole Christmas season wishing time could go backward instead of forward. He's leaving us. Soon. To report, our holidays with Tejan were idyllic. It was such a joy to share the holidays with him and have him meet my extended family. There were no behavior issues at all - and we logged many happy memories together - from showing him "A Christmas Story" and "What's Up Doc?"- to eating pumpkin pie and popcorn on Christmas Eve and watching him open his stocking... it was just perfect. But now it's over. And the countdown has begun. I told Ethan, ...