I'm at home. Asia and two of the kids are down at the hospital, watching the Super Bowl with T. Kyler and I have it on, here at home, but I'm only watching the commercials. I really couldn't care less about football than I do.
We're still waiting on lab reports for T. We do know that he does not have MRSA. Which is really good. MRSA would require 6 weeks or more of I.V. antibiotics. But while whatever he has is 'sensitive' to lots of meds, his infection isn't responding the way they expect it to. So they took more blood and we're waiting to see what they can discover. Apparently treating a staph infection requires a lot of waiting, and fine tuning of the meds used to fight it.
My biggest struggle right now is my heart.
In all of T.'s other medical needs, I was wholly there - completely available to him - and able to schedule my life around his needs, because I had weeks to plan ahead.
This time around, I'm really struggling to get my heart in it.
We were three days from saying goodbye.
And my heart had begun to process and move beyond the experience - anticipating what God might do next. Feeling excitement about our efforts to get our family to Sierra Leone in 2009 - saving money already toward that end.
I was sad. But ready. Ready to spend a little more time with myself - getting back to an exercise routine - pursuing more art - praying and meditating on God's faithfulness and His amazing work in our family.
I was letting go.
And now, he's still here. And he needs me.
And while I love him no less, I find myself struggling to give. Struggling to see my family separated by who's at the hospital and who's at home. Struggling to sit in that smelly hospital room watching bad cartoons or playing stupid video games. I'm impatient with the doctor, whose bedside manner leaves much to be desired. And I want to be home. I just want to be home.
But God has me at the hospital.
And He has my kids in this place where they have to give more. More than they already have. They have to keep sharing their Mommy for awhile longer. And while they're fine with it (we had a great talk over lunch today about their reaction to T. being here longer and how we're all adjusting to this new reality,) I just want to be able to return to my family.
But here I am.
Usually I find God pretty quickly in things. But right now I'm just not sure what He's doing with my heart. And to be completely honest, I'm a little resistant.
I think I'm just tired.
I just don't want to do this.
And of course, I feel riddled with guilt for even saying that.
But there it is.
Out there in the open.
Because I want to be honest. And real.
Because then you can pray effectively.
(Thanks for letting me talk.
It helps.)
We're still waiting on lab reports for T. We do know that he does not have MRSA. Which is really good. MRSA would require 6 weeks or more of I.V. antibiotics. But while whatever he has is 'sensitive' to lots of meds, his infection isn't responding the way they expect it to. So they took more blood and we're waiting to see what they can discover. Apparently treating a staph infection requires a lot of waiting, and fine tuning of the meds used to fight it.
My biggest struggle right now is my heart.
In all of T.'s other medical needs, I was wholly there - completely available to him - and able to schedule my life around his needs, because I had weeks to plan ahead.
This time around, I'm really struggling to get my heart in it.
We were three days from saying goodbye.
And my heart had begun to process and move beyond the experience - anticipating what God might do next. Feeling excitement about our efforts to get our family to Sierra Leone in 2009 - saving money already toward that end.
I was sad. But ready. Ready to spend a little more time with myself - getting back to an exercise routine - pursuing more art - praying and meditating on God's faithfulness and His amazing work in our family.
I was letting go.
And now, he's still here. And he needs me.
And while I love him no less, I find myself struggling to give. Struggling to see my family separated by who's at the hospital and who's at home. Struggling to sit in that smelly hospital room watching bad cartoons or playing stupid video games. I'm impatient with the doctor, whose bedside manner leaves much to be desired. And I want to be home. I just want to be home.
But God has me at the hospital.
And He has my kids in this place where they have to give more. More than they already have. They have to keep sharing their Mommy for awhile longer. And while they're fine with it (we had a great talk over lunch today about their reaction to T. being here longer and how we're all adjusting to this new reality,) I just want to be able to return to my family.
But here I am.
Usually I find God pretty quickly in things. But right now I'm just not sure what He's doing with my heart. And to be completely honest, I'm a little resistant.
I think I'm just tired.
I just don't want to do this.
And of course, I feel riddled with guilt for even saying that.
But there it is.
Out there in the open.
Because I want to be honest. And real.
Because then you can pray effectively.
(Thanks for letting me talk.
It helps.)
I can imagine that we would all feel pretty much the same way in your shoes. You are a real person . . . crying out and lamenting while at the same time praising. We are studying the Psalms at church and it's GOOD to lament. Honesty with God is always best so no worries. Still though, I'll pray for a more peaceful heart.
ReplyDeleteTalk all you want dear one. We'll pray.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff...you sound like you are in a serious "fast" - and one thing I know about this place - is every single thing comes to the surface - the good the bad the ugly. It is really good stuff...I am excited for you. Hang on to the words of Job - "though you slay me, I will trust you." Read what God says to Job in those last few chapters...it so shakes any control that we as humans try to muster up with such a great and sovereign Deity - I get the shivers when I think of how deep God is desiring to go with you - so keep telling the truth as you see it - and let Him speak clear and full and profoundly into all that you hold dear. It is going to be so beautiful on the other side...I can kinda see it...beauty in the brokenness.
ReplyDeleteLove ya so much and wish I could just hug you right now...I am in my heart.
My goodness, friend! I just keep shaking my head in wonder about this unexpected twist. I don't have wisdom for you, but I have oodles of respect.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying.
ReplyDeleteCathy, I know that when my grandma passed away it took days for me to finally cry. Days!
Then I realized that I had been grieving for her for so long because she didn't know who we were for the longest time, that I had already kind of moved on and come to terms with it.
Long before we lost her.
I understand the resistance part.
So I am praying for you.
Hang in there Cathy.
ReplyDeleteWe know it is tough especially on the day to day basis you are facing.
But we are praising God this was discovered before he headed back to Africa. Who knows what kind of care if any he would have gotten there.
We are keeping you in our prayers !
Love you
Mom
Hello friend.
ReplyDeleteNever feel guilty about being honest.... My heart has been heavy for you... I am at a point where I am having trouble even praying... how's that for honest? We go to Children's tomorrow with Miss Jodi again.. I do hope T, is out of the hospital sooner than later.. The long weeks in a Children's Hospital are unexplainable... Cathy, I hate to see you go through this. It's NOT fair.. They say there is a reason for everything. Right? Ugh. Keep your faith my friend, I feel I lose mine everytime we have to go 'back'... I struggle with it constantly. Sometimes I wonder if I still have any faith left. Almost 17 years of praying and still... the same. I cry for you and I am so sorry that you, T. and your family have to go through this. I won't tell you how strong & amazing you are... I won't tell you how everything turns out the way it is supposed to. I will just tell you to take each moment. Just that. Moment by moment. Emotion by emotion. Every daydream by daydream... good or bad. I love you my friend and you are so.. on my mind.
Love, Sonja
Cathy,
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. Don't have guilt over not "wanting" to do it. That is perfectly natural in the situation.
It's the deciding to do it anyway, when you *don't* want to that's important.
I'm continuing to pray for comfort and peace for you. And I pray that you'll just soak in His strength during this time.
M~
“Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps His promise, and He will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm: at the time you are put to the test, He will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out.”
-1 Cor 10:13
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
-2 Cor 4:7-9 &16-18
Everyone loves your honesty and transparency- you are who you are and God knows that. He knows you can handle more, he wouldn't be bringing it on if you couldn't. He will equip you.
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying for you, for your family and of course Tejan as he goes through this. Wow, such heavy stuff.
Love, sus