Hold onto your hats... the wind is changing...

Sometimes I have a blog post rolling around in my brain for a few days and I ultimately decide not to post it... this is almost one of those posts. But I'm goin' with it. It's going to be pretty raw so fasten your seatbelts.

My kids have been out of school for one week.

And I can already say this is the hardest summer ever.

And here's why: I don't know what to do with my kids.

First of all, they're BIG. Physically, they take up a LOT of space. Frankly - they're in the way of keeping the house clean and organized and they clutter up the place.

Secondly, they listen to the most awful 'music'. And they all own i-somethings... pods, phones etc... full of this terrible noise. And inevitably, it is playing loudly. All the time.

Third, their friends. Here. Eating all the time. Adding to the noise. Taking up even more space.

And last - they leave. And then the house is ridiculously quiet and boring. And I feel left out. Unimportant. Unnecessary. Irrelevant.

Frankly, there's a LOT of change happening in the lives of the four people I live with... Asia is working 65 hour work weeks right now. His practice is thriving. He is invigorated and excited about finally getting to do what he loves to do. But he is never home.

Kyler has a fairly new relationship with an amazing girl and a job that keeps him quite busy. Many of his friends are home from college now and he just got a new laptop that's seeing it's share of gaming/LAN time... (Let's be clear that I have no idea what I'm talking about when I type LAN) He's in heaven. And so much of how he spends his time grates against what I think he could/should be doing.

Savannah leaves a week from Sunday for three weeks working at Ghormley Meadow Christian Camp. She will be meeting lots of people and living the thrill of camp life. Her job at home, working at a Safeway Starbucks kiosk, will be waiting for her when she gets back. She's a happy girl.

Ethan's summers are always one continuous playdate. He's a friendly guy with tons of friends and he literally goes from friend to friend to friend all summer long. He goes Sunday to Cougar Strings Camp at WSU and is thrilled to have an intensive week of upright bass instruction and a 'camp' experience - living in a dorm and eating in a cafeteria...

Me? I work. I do laundry. I pick up after everyone. I sit in my green chair and lament the days when I wished I could have a moment to myself. Because now, even when my house if full of big teenagers, I am alone. Alone in trying to maintain some sort of normalcy. Alone in wishing for some order in a house full of ridiculously different schedules. Alone in wishing life could just slow down and there was a pause button to hold everyone in the same room for more than an hour here and there.

Everyone else is just fine.

And I'm flailing.

Lost.

I rush home from work to be with my kids because I feel guilty leaving them home alone so much and no one even notices when I get there.

Gosh, it's hard to write about this... I think because I usually write about struggles when I know I can write my way into a solution.

And I don't see a solution. (And this 'putting the struggle out there' business is a little too vulnerable {even for me} when I can't wrap it up in a pretty little bow labeled 'this is hard but I'll be okay'.)

I don't quite know how to be okay with this.

I told Asia last night that as an introvert I can honestly say that I've never struggled with loneliness. Alone is what I do best. I LOVE being alone.

For the first time in my life, I'm lonely.

Alone.

Alone in trying to hold life together for this family... what used to be tight and comfortable is spinning wildly out of control... and that doesn't seem to bother anyone but me.

It just feels like the beginning of the end of our little tribe.

I don't want to have to define a new normal. I like what we've had.

And I don't see how I fit in anymore... except as maid, laundress, personal shopper and taxi driver (which, I gotta be honest, aren't remarkably rewarding roles.)

It's hard to put it out there... especially because I know my kids read my blog sometimes... I don't want them to feel badly. They're doing exactly what they're supposed to be doing... I know all the blah blah blah about letting them go - let them stretch their wings - "it's what we've raised them to do..."

Whatever. That's all good. It's right.

But it doesn't really make the process any easier for me.

And it doesn't answer the question 'what now?'

And it doesn't make me less lonely.

And it doesn't bring order to the chaos.

My role in the summer used to be really easily defined. I was the park-picker, the picnic packer, the bike-ride companion, the science experiment overseer. Together we would pass the afternoons in the backyard with the blow up pool and plan dinner together and invite friends over.

Now I am the one watching everyone else live their lives and unable to influence/impact much of anything.

Wow.

Such a Debby-downer today.

I just don't quite know what to do with myself. And I have a feeling this long slow painful transition is going to stretch out over the next five years...

How in the world am I going to do this gracefully when generally I find myself constantly vacillating between wanting to cry and wanting to punch someone in the face? Add in hormonal/peri-menopausal issues and I may just need to go to the loony-bin.

***********************************************************************So there it is.

This life. The reality. This struggle.

Out there for all to see.

No pretty bow to wrap it up.

There's really no simple answer. No platitudes to make it easier. No comfort because change is UN-comfortable.

I'll get through it.

It's what I do.

But honestly, I even feel alone in the admission.

Why don't women talk about stuff like this? Why do we all walk around like everything is okay and we all are so proud of our kids and this is the reward of all our hard years of mothering... our functioning adults are just exactly what we've been working so hard for...

Why doesn't anyone tell you it's going to be impossibly painful to redefine yourself after 18 years and that finding yourself on the back burner of your kid's brains instead of the front and center/primary influencer really HURTS?

It's hard.

So I'm just saying it.

Getting it out there.

Hopefully you'll forgive me my little self indulgent rant. Can we still be friends if I'm this much of a mess?

As always, getting it out of my head and onto this page is therapeutic for me.

Not asking for answers... but keeping it real. Being honest about the struggle.

And that's all I have to say today.