Alone.

It is absolutely ridiculous how often I find myself alone this summer.

I know I've whined about it A LOT.

It's just almost unbelievable to me.

I seriously wake up almost every day thinking "Oh good - the kids and I will have three hours together this afternoon" and then when I get home to commence the togetherness, they all disappear. One to a movie. One to a friend's house. Off they go... over and over and over again they leave me here.

Alone.

I was thinking about this in my own teenager memories... how I never once thought about my mom when I would take off. I took off a lot. I worked. Had cheerleading practice. An older boyfriend with a really cool car. The beach to go to. A friend with a boat and a lake at which to spend long summer days. Girlfriends who hosted amazing sleepovers.

I was just doing what teenagers do.

And I never once thought about what my mom might possibly be doing while I was gone.

After all, she was mom... didn't she always just find things to do?

It never crossed my mind that she might be lonely. Or bored.

And now I am the one at home.

I've had every emotion about this present state... sadness, despair, hopefulness, excitement, possibility, depression. It's hard and wonderful all at once.

This past week I've actually tried leaning into it... sitting in it and soaking up the emptiness like an echo in a room with no furniture... letting the barren space reverberate and allowing the vacancy to speak. I know there is a message in the unfilled chasm I find myself in. I'm searching for words of comfort and have found them in some really wonderful places... dear sweet people at work whom I am supposed to be helping have stopped me in my tracks with their kindness and encouragement... my trusty bible is full of cozy, quiet words of promise...

¹⁹ I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
²⁰ I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.
²¹ Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;
²⁶ it is good to wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.
²⁷ It is good for a man to bear the yoke
    while he is young.

²⁸ Let him sit alone in silence,
    for the Lord has laid it on him.
²⁹ Let him bury his face in the dust—
    there may yet be hope.

³¹ For no one is cast off
    by the Lord forever.
³² Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
    so great is his unfailing love.
³³ For he does not willingly bring affliction
    or grief to anyone.

(Lamentations 3)

So it's all good, this alone-space. As hard as it is, it's good.