The quiet blogger

July was a pretty quiet month around here.

In an effort to not sound like a broken record, or to be too vocal about my current struggle/situation, or to sound like a whiny, pathetic middle aged mom, I've sort of avoided writing.

Although, to be honest, I've tried.

I've sat down several times, wanting to write. Writing has always been a cathartic release for me... a way to process my thoughts and emotions... and often it has the ability to take me from a deep, dark funk into a healthier, more centered space.

Not lately.

Lately, I sit down to write and nothing comes.

So I've decided to wait.

Which seems to be a theme right now in my life.

This whole quasi-empty-nest-husband-is-working-ALL-the-time-and-I'm-bored-out-of-my-gourd-and-feeling-irrelevant-and-lost season is pretty stinkin' hard.

I KNOW there is something out there for me. I BELIEVE God will bring me something. But right now, I'm waiting.

Waiting for some inspiration. Some vision. Some sort of clue what to do with myself after 18 years of always doing for others.

I'm certainly not done parenting... but it looks SO different than it ever has. I'm sort of like the back-pocket, end-of-the-line resource for my kids at this point... if they can't figure something out they might enlist me. Or not. Again, there's that 'unnecessary' word jumping into my brain... they're pretty much ready to face the world without me. Which is as it should be. But where does it leave me?

And there I go again, sounding whiny.

I've been trying to embrace the silence. If I can't write, I'll listen. If I'm not needed by my kids I'll pray for someone who does need me. If I'm bored and lonely, I'll look for interesting things to fill my time.

Which all sounds really good when I type it out in a concise little paragraph like that.

But in reality, is just really, really hard to do.

And so it is.

I really love my kids - and I want them to spread their wings and not worry about poor old mom at home. I am SO happy for Asia - who is happier than ever doing what he's always wanted to do. I don't want them to feel badly for expanding out into the big, amazing world and following their dreams.

I guess I just wasn't prepared for feeling a little (a lot) left behind.

So here's a post for August. If I can muster up some creative/insightful/entertaining words at some point in the next 31 days, I'll be back to post another.

If it's a month like July, I may just continue my silence and waiting.

We shall see.