2020 pondering...

 "Siri, play John Mayer..."

This is a go-to phrase when I feel overwhelmed by the shuffle-god's choice of music. I immediately want it to stop in favor of something familiar and safe. Today after I asked for my old friend to serenade me I heard these lyrics: 

"No, I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
I try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this, tonight

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But, honestly, won't someone stop this train?"

What an appropriate reprise for my mood today. 

I've seen many, many 2020 memes. Most of them make me laugh. A Facebook friend posted yesterday on his wall "I forget - which plague is next?" We try to make light of an absolutely life-sucking year. It's an old defense mechanism with which I'm well-familiar. But occasionally something happens that isn't laughable. A friend from the Camino lost her home in the fires last week. A toddler dies as his parents race away from a fire. Smoke blankets the skies as if to try to get our attention, bringing oppressive and stinky poison into our lungs... sometimes, it just isn't funny any more. 

It came to a head for me yesterday when I received a text from one of my children that one of my peers had unfriended him on Facebook. This is a dear friend who has known this child of mine since birth - whose children played alongside mine for decades - whose family ranks up there on the short list of community members we consider 'our chosen family'. 

The reason for the unfriending? My child re-posted something stating the fact that 'blue lives' do not, and cannot compare with black lives. That those who choose the career of a first-responder, or more specifically a police officer, do so willingly and with full awareness of the dangers inherit with the job. And that those who are born with black or brown or any skin color besides white, have no say in the matter. Now - I understand - as I type the content of this post that some readers may already be unconsciously internally 'making fists' - ready to fight back and argue their beliefs regarding defunding police or backing our 'men in blue' (which is another term I take issue with, but that's another post for another day.) I get it. You feel strongly about your opinion. If 2020 has taught us anything, it's how strong our opinions are. 

I don't write this to open up a pandora's box of comments where my friends can all debate each other and try to prove their points ad nauseum. I write it to offer some alternatives. May I offer another way? Perhaps, instead of unfriending those you disagree with, you could try one of these things: 

1) Consider 'why does this point of view anger me?' Actually take time to answer the question. Talk about it with someone you trust. 

2) Be curious. Ask your friend something like 'I feel really differently about this. Can you help me understand why you feel the way you do? I value you as a person and I want to hear your side.'  

3) Recognize that you don't have to agree with someone to love them. Good heavens, if this were true, my marriage wouldn't have lasted a week. Asia and I disagree on most EVERYTHING. We have still managed to live together (happily!) for 28 years. It is 100% possible, but it is 100% your responsibility to decide to do this.

4) Understand that they way you prioritize things is your unique way. While it is possible in today's strange, quarantined, social-media consuming, non-face-to-face way of interacting to decide to only interact with other who prioritize their lives similarly to yours, we do NOT have that luxury in the 'real world'. And someday, when all the smoke has cleared, and the virus has become a manageable health issue, we will return to daily interaction with many people who are not in our carefully crafted, political/religious bubble. It may be wise to practice hearing opinions other than your own so you can respond without stomping your feet and running into the other room. 

5) Begin to lean into the fact that we are never going back to 'the way things used to be' or the 'good ol' days'. The way information travels, and the sheer volume of it available to us is changing how we consume ideas, how we process thoughts, and how we become ourselves. Being 'stuck' in the past - or in an idealized world where there were only 2 or maybe 3 'camps' in which to land is long gone. We ALL need to learn how to exist together in a kind, loving, and gracious way. Again - you have a personal responsibility to do your part in listening well - especially to those you love.

6) Be open to the notion that there are wide spectrums of belief. And that one belief does not inherently make another belief obsolete. Saying Black Lives Matter does not mean I hate police or that I want a society without them. Supporting the Police does not mean you are racist. There is a middle. There is ALWAYS a middle.

My job as a coach has taught me a few things about working with people. Probably the most important one is this: Very often, we do what we've always done. Once a person makes this simple realization, and opens their eyes and heart to the possibility that there are other ways... it changes EVERYTHING.

Here are a few suggestions for opening your eyes if you find yourself wanting to clench them shut all the time this year:

- Watch a documentary about something you totally disagree with. If you're a meat eater, watch "Forks Over Knives". Are you a staunch democrat? Watch Fox News and make a list of 5 good things you see/hear. Find yourself saying "All lives matter?" Watch '13th' on Netflix and learn a little more about systemic racism. Find your hackles going up when I say 'systemic racism'? Watch this: "Race in America"

- The next time you see a post on Facebook that you disagree with, resist the urge to type a comment. Stop long enough to take a deep breath. Go to the profile page of the person who posted it. If their photos and memories bring you all the warm fuzzies as you remember your years of friendship and all the laughs you've shared, this is not a cross to die on. In fact, it may be a great learning opportunity. Call your friend! Say "Hey, I saw your post on Facebook and I am super interested in learning more about your view on that. Would you mind telling me more?" And then LISTEN. (If their profile page brings you no warm fuzzies, it's probably because you don't actually 'know' this person and your opinion/their opinion being different is no issue. Unfollow these people if you'd like. Or pare down your friend-list to only those people you would actually call...) 

- Spend the time you would normally spend looking up things to reinforce YOUR opinion, and intentionally look up the 'other side'. It's amazing how quickly you can find 'content' to support ANY side. Take a deep breath and humbly admit "My way of believing things is one of many ways." Then acknowledge that the world is much more colorful and interesting with people who see things differently. 

- Go for a walk. Or bake a cake. Or create some art. Or do some yoga. Or clean the garage. Or ANYTHING. Just don't spend all day stewing.

Here's the thing about John Mayer. He writes great songs, but there's no stopping the train. There's no getting off. We're all on the ride of our lives. Let's offer a seat to each other from time to time.

I love you for reading this far. I love you for being different from me. I love you for caring enough to hear me out.

Smooches, friends.