thoughts from the deep recesses

Fifteen years ago today I was walking the halls of Sacred Heart hospital... I had been up all night walking the halls, trying to get contractions started after my water broke. They finally put me on a pitocin drip about 9:00 am. My son was finally born at 11:44 pm that night. Kyler Warren Goins. 8 lbs, 11 oz. Now he is six feet tall. I marvel at him... he is an amazing kid with an uncanny ability to be himself with little regard for what others think of him. He has a confidence that belies his age. He can make me laugh like no other. In short, I'm extremely proud of him. And I can't wait to see what God continues to do in and through him. He's a unique boy with a unique personality and I can't begin to imagine how God might want to use him. So happy birthday to my first born. My baby boy. My fifteen year old boy full of wonder and delight... hope you can always retain that side of yourself. I love you.

So. It's a quiet morning here. The coffee is perking away in the kitchen and the tree lights are on. Kyler hasn't come upstairs yet. He's always my first riser... early bird that he is. I can hear him puttering downstairs. I have never taken this long of a break from my blog - in almost five years of blogging. It's a season for me. A quiet season. God is so good. My internship at church is challenging me in just the ways I'd hoped it would... and I find myself needing time. Quiet. Private processing. On this journey, I'm discovering more about myself... finding my heart opened to possibilities and learning to love God in new ways. It's so good to stretch into God. So while I'm quiet here, God continues His work in me... and perhaps I'll be able to articulate it sometime soon. For now, I just need to be in a private place. Smooches, friends.

Highlight(s) of the week: hosting small group at our house Sunday night... it was a classic example of why we do group... sharing life, struggles, joys, pain. And delicious food too. This is a new group for us, so it all feels a little awkward as we begin to open up to each other, but it's good. I am learning to embrace the awkward for the reward of true community. Ministry update: The internship is great... loving our weekly meetings and getting to know the other interns better. What a great group of kids. (I'm the oldy on the team by about 16 years... there's one other adult-ish person on the team - and the pastor who oversees us is in his 30's. But for sure I'm the senior member. So weird.) I'm diving head first into new ministry opportunities - everything from designing and publishing the children's ministry newsletter to deep cleaning and organizing the church kitchen - a MUCH needed and WAY overdue job. When I signed up for the internship I really had ...

Ethan's Halloween costume... the babe magnet. Kyler - ready to give out candy to little trick-or-treaters. My freshman letterman... now if only he had the cash for the $300 lettermans jacket to put that lovely letter on... anyone need a babysitter? Savannah and her friends scrapbooking at her birthday party... Savannah's haul of LittleMismatched socks, undies and cammies... SO cute! Ice cream sundaes... too bad I didn't manage to clear off the kitchen counters before I took this shot! Don'tcha love her hat? Another b'day present... My favorite shot from her birthday photo shoot... 13 going on 20... She's such a great kid.

Savannah's birthday was yesterday... Lucky girl NEVER has to go to school on her birthday, since November 11th is always Veteran's Day. So we had a sleepover Tuesday night with four of her best friends. The next morning, the girls got up, had birthday donuts, then I took them all down to Riverfront Park and we took oodles of pictures to later come home and scrapbook (after a couple of hours of bowling with Asia while I got the pictures developed...) Each girl went home with a 6 x 6 album filled with their favorite shots of the day. I can't go on enough about what a great group of girls this is... they spent the whole day together with no catty girl stuff... quite an accomplishment for junior high girls... but not unusual at all for this group. They're so fun. I had a blast with them. Can't believe she's thirteen...

I've started my internship at church. Which means several things. First, I'm reading. A lot. And will continue to read a lot throughout the year. I love to read - especially non-fiction, so I'm good with that. Secondly, it means that every Tuesday morning, I go to an intern meeting from 5:30 am to 7:30 am. And last, it means that I'm opening my heart to God - anticipating lots of challenges as I dive deeper into my relationship with him and allow myself to be stretched in new ways. Already, only two weeks in, I have a whole heart full of things about which I'm praying... Kyler finished his cross country season on Saturday. I was sick, so I missed his race. It was the All City race - and he placed 13th out of probably 50 freshmen... his team came in second out of the ten schools in attendance - which is exciting to me. These boys could turn into a pretty good team over the years. Cross country is EXTREMELY competitive in Spokane. The past two years the number one te...

Earlier in the week, I could be heard saying, "I don't have time to get sick this week. I have way too much to do." Famous last words. Because, of course, I got sick. Fortunately, it didn't hit me hard until Tuesday night, when I'd already led three of my four meetings for the week. So I called around and found a sub for my Wednesday meeting, called and cancelled other appointments (including the haircut I've been waiting more than 3 weeks for) and have been planted on the couch or in bed ever since. Other than my walks. Yes. I've still walked. Actually, the fresh air has felt amazing and invigorating compared to the stuffy sick air in the house. (Mind you - these are short walks. But I'm out there. Not one sedentary day for me this year...) I'm on page 373 of a 479 page novel. I haven't read a fiction book in so long. It always feels too self-indulgent, so I never partake. But I get SO tired of the tv. So the book has been a welcome break. Asi...

I was inspired by Ali Edwards today... Outside my window ... there are pine needles and pine cones in my front yard that desperately need to be raked. The grass is dead - a result of our decision to conserve water and save money this summer. The neighbors probably hate us. But I'm okay with it. I was tempted to put up a little sign in the yard saying something like "People all over the world carry water every morning for their most basic needs. In honor of them, we refuse to waste water to have green grass." I am thinking ... that I really need to get into the shower. Busy day today. I am thankful for .... my job. I really love it. It keeps me off the street. From the kitchen ... Sloppy Joes last night... I know they're not gourmet, but my kids sure like 'em. I am wearing ... sweats, my favorite jammie gown, a hoodie sweatshirt and slippers. Like I said, I need to get in the shower. I am creating ... two commissions from the Fall Market I...

I do not notice the number on the scale when you step onto it. I know you are self conscious, sharing this very private thing with me in our tiny little weigh booth. But just like your doctor sees nakedness all the time, I see well over 100 numbers every week. I'm looking to see if your weight went up or down - and that's about it. The number itself means nothing to me. What matters is that you're at my meeting, working hard to change the number. I'm so proud of you for being there. I want you to succeed. I know that feeling of being stuffed into your clothes, pulling and tugging at them to keep them from sticking in between the rolls. I know. I know . I know how badly you want to change and how hard you have to fight to do it. And I want to encourage you every single week - whether you're up or down. I know you can do it. If I could instill anything in your mind, it would be a peaceful acceptance of the notion that this has to be an every day choice for the rest o...

You don't want to get in line behind me at the grocery store, is all I'm sayin'. 'Cause I've become that woman with stacks and stacks of manufacturers coupons who knows each store's coupon policies better than the clerks themselves. This morning I managed to get all this food and schtuff for $17.59 That's: 2 small boxes of jello 2 small boxes of Wheat Thins 2 bags of Brachs Autumn Mix (I like the pumpkins best!) 2 bags of halloween M&Ms Olay Creme Ribbons body wash Chapstick in Green Tea flavor 2 packs of Trident Layers gum 2 four packs of Yo-Plus yogurt 3 bags of Halloween candy (stocking up now!) 11 cans of Pillsbury crescent rolls 4 packs of Bumblebee albacore tuna 4 cartons of Tropicana OJ (the only kind Asia will drink) 3 pounds of ripe bananas (I need to make muffins for Kyler's track meet on Saturday) Without coupons, it all would have cost me $64.26. I had an acquaintance in line behind me at Fred Meyer who caught up to me afterwards and sai...

Last weekend Kyler went to Missoula, Montana for the Mountain West Invitational. He ran 3 miles in 18:24 and placed 62nd out of 434 runners in the JV race. We didn't go, so I don't have pictures. But I do have pictures from Ethan's first cross country meet, yesterday! They haven't offered cross country at the elementary school level for about six years, so we were thrilled when the flier came home announcing that our school district had received a grant funding the program this year. E. was very excited to try his hand (or feet, as the case may be) at running like his big brother. Plus, he's hoping the training will help him when wrestling season rolls around... it can't hurt, for sure! What a fun meet - there was constant action as they ran 14 races, one right after the other, starting with kindergarten girls, followed by kindergarten boys and so on - all the way through 6th grade. The course was a mile... quite a feat by those with the tiniest little legs. Kyl...

Asia's in Seattle this week. He's been home so consistantly lately I'm finding it hard to find my groove. I'll get there. He's scheduled to be gone three out of four weeks in October. I'm up to leading four Weight Watcher's meetings. This week and next I'm working six and seven meetings with sub jobs. I really love it. The beauty of it is I prepare once and then just repeat the same material at every meeting. So different from teaching scrapbooking, which required LOTS of prep time for every class. Gearing up for a big Craft/Antique/Junk Sale I'll be selling stuff at next weekend (Sept. 25 & 26.) My studio is all awhirl with activity as I create and organize for it. Fun stuff. I'll post pictures of a few of my items in the next couple of days. If you're local, it will be at the Moran Prairie Grange. I had an amazing day at garage sales last weekend... only had an hour to go because we had to get to Kyler's cross country meet, but I ma...

Kyler ran his first cross country race for his high school today. He's officially a Lewis and Clark Tiger. See the tiger stripes on their uniforms? Even his shoes are orange and black... Kyler is in the back of this pack... the tiger right in front of him is Davis, who he ran with the past two years in junior high. He could never catch Davis. Today, he kept pace with Davis the entire race. He came in 14th out of 24 guys on his team that ran today. That includes all the freshmen, sophomores, juniors and seniors. He was neck and neck with the 11th, 12th and 13th runners. He was one sweaty, tired boy. But he didn't throw up. That's progress. We've had three post-run-throw-up experiences in his racing career. This is his coach. He was accusing Kyler of holding out on him at practice. Essentially, Kyler totally exceeded his expectations today. Good job, Kyler. I love watching you run.

So today after church, Asia decided to take the fam down to Riverfront Park to partake in a Spokane tradition - the annual Labor Day extravaganza - Pig Out in the Park . Now, I have to tell you, we haven't been to Pig Out for many, many years. Mainly because the last time we went, the entire family got sick. Barfing sick. Not only did we get sick, but our houseguests, who were staying with us because they were dropping their daughter off at Whitworth college and she was going to live with us for the school year, well, they also got sick. It was a regular barf-o-rama. Nine people in one house, with all of us getting up all night long and barfing. I'll never forget that their son, who was about 12 years old at the time, was the loudest barfer in the world. When he was in the bathroom, barfing, the whole house could hear him. Never mind that everyone was trying to sleep. He wretched as though his toes were being forced out of his mouth. It.was.not.pretty. Now, the other thing you...

It's been good to have the kids back in school. There's room in my brain now for some quiet introspection. I've needed that. I wrote about the challenge of this past summer - how I struggled as a mom to know quite how to meet the needs of my growing kids. How they don't really need me - but need me more than ever. How confusing is that? Believe me, it's a weird place to be. And then, since the store closed in May, I've felt a little lost - wondering how to spend my time - working through the difference in income I've been forced into - learning to manage our budget differently without the cushion of the money I used to make teaching. I had to work through Kyler's first girlfriend - a challenge I wasn't completely ready for - and one that knocked me out for a few days as I pondered the reality of wanting to support him and validate his feelings while knowing it would only lead to heartache. How do you do that? I didn't particularly do any of this ...

We had a flood in our basement. Such a bummer. It got into our storage room, where it ruined lots of childhood memorabilia and forced a lot of sorting and added a huge pile to the garbage can. It also got into the playroom/Kyler's room, soaking the carpet and pad. Not a happy thing. And as so often happens, one thing leads to another and the flood led to a very clean basement, a couch removed, new mattresses for Kyler, and a much needed trip to the dump. But in the summer of so many unexpected expenses, we really did NOT want to spend all the money we had to spend in order to fix everything. Fortunately, I've recently been assigned to two additional Weight Watcher's meetings, which I'll start leading in a couple of weeks. This will double my income. Yay! The kids are settling into school - Savannah in particular got a GREAT schedule, with friends in all of her classes. She even has friends near her locker assignment. Kyler wasn't so lucky in his first semester of 7t...

Three kids. Three different schools. A BIG transition year for the Goins' family. Kyler - starting ninth grade/high school. Taking honors classes and running cross country. Isn't he looking like a man ? My poor heart just about bursts with pride at the amazing young man he is becoming... Savannah - starting seventh grade/junior high. Got her first phone last Friday. Taking honors classes. Suddenly she's become a young lady - no more little girl at our house. Wow. E. Bob. - starting fourth grade. Tallest kid in his class. In desperate need of a haircut. Looking forward to competing against the sixth graders in kickball at lunch recess.

We are officially less than one week from the beginning of school. This week I have gotten letters from both the high school (for Kyler) and the junior high (for Savannah.) My two oldest are starting new schools in six days. And wow, is that high school big. He has his first official cross country practice on Monday. Savannah has an ice cream social on Tuesday to get her schedule and meet her teachers. Kyler has freshman orientation all morning Wednesday. Let the madness begin... I love fall. I love the structure and schedule after the laziness of summer. But summer isn't even CLOSE to being over. And my babies are going to big, scary, new schools. So I'm hesitant and apprehensive this year. The thing is, no one really explains to you when you start having babies that they are going to grow up. Really - I didn't really give it a moment's thought. Sure - I'd seen kids grow up. Heck, I did it myself . But when I was changing diapers and wiping the high chair and pick...

Summer is almost over. Hard to believe. I've already lamented the passing of time this year - and what a strange summer it's been - but it doesn't make it any easier to see the days ticking away... The kids are at my parents' house this week. I'll go pick them up on Friday - and then they'll have less than a week before school starts. Seriously? Wow. So many fun things I'd like to do with them before they're gone again all day. We'll have to make the most of our weekends in September and October - enjoying the outdoors while we can before the cold and the snow hit. ***** We spent the last week in Manzanita - our annual beach trip with my brother and his family. My nephew proposed to his girlfriend while we were there. Which makes me feel exceedingly old. After all, he was just born. ***** I'm still walking. Passed the 229 days-in-a-row mark yesterday. Feels so good to have followed through on this commitment to myself. ***** Gracie is fully recov...

It's been such a strange summer. We left for our vacation nine days after school got out. We came home from vacation to a deathly ill dog - which I dealt with for over three weeks. And now we leave on Saturday for our annual trip to the beach. We we're done at the beach, the kids will stay at my parents house. And when they get home, they will have less than a week before school starts. (If you give a Mouse a Muffin, anyone?) Last Friday I piled them all into the car and took them to the lake - and I can honestly say it was the first fun thing the four of us had done together all summer (besides vacation, which was wonderful, but ended on a sour note because of the dog...) Add to this the fact that I'm not even sure what to do with a 14 year old, a 12 year old and a 9 year old that will keep them all happy... While turning 40 had it's own share of struggles for me to wrestle with - I feel like our family is going through it's own strange identity crisis. I'm not...