thoughts from the deep recesses

So I'm doing this internship at church. I decided last summer to do it because I wanted to be purposeful about growth - and about being pushed out of my comfort zone - and to challenge myself. I felt like I'd had time to heal from the amazing opportunity caring for Tejan had brought to us. I was ready to put myself out there a bit. Now, you should know, most of the interns are college aged. I'm by far the old lady on the team. And while the intern program is really designed to help kids find their niche in terms of ministry, I knew I wasn't there to 'figure out' what God wanted me to do with my life. I'm pretty sure He wants me to love my husband and continue raising my kids... so I'm not dealing with the same issues most of the interns are wrestling with. However, the past month or so, God has really stripped me bare in terms of who I am and what ministry looks like. And I'm struggling. In January, we had the amazing opportunity, as a group, to imme...

I spent three days last week in Bellevue with Asia... he was working over there and actually managed to finish his work a day early so we got a whole extra day together... it was lovely and refreshing and well-timed. So thankful for a little winter getaway. Lots of new beginnings happening around here - friends with babies, young love, engagements, big moves... it's fun to watch but also makes me thankful for the stability I have... I'm really big into stability... to a fault, I think. Pondering that a bit lately. So far so good on the 'no new clothes in 2010' resolution... and can I just tell you something? It's incredibly freeing to be able to walk through a clothing department without even pausing... and I haven't missed new stuff at ALL yet. I'm getting a bit tired of my winter wear - but that happens every year. And once the weather warms up, I'll get to bring up the summer clothes and have a completely fresh wardrobe to pull from. I don't think...

I sit here in my living room on my forty-first birthday. The kids have left for school. Asia is in Seattle. I had an intern meeting at 5:30 am... to which I brought freshly baked scones - in honor of myself. Savannah loaded the dishwasher for me this morning, but she couldn't find any dishwasher detergent so she loaded the soap dispenser with Jet Dry. Not sure what that load will come out like. Ethan broke a glass this morning. There is a single present on my kitchen table - a gift from my receptionist at my Weight Watcher's meeting yesterday. I saved it for today because I knew there was an odd absence of presents at home. Asia didn't take the kids to buy me anything, and since he's out of town, I don't have real high hopes that there will be any gifts to open later today. I'm driving over tomorrow to spend a couple of days with Asia... a sort of birthday present to myself, I suppose. I really love birthdays. Sort of feel like they should be well-celebrated... ...

It's a quiet Saturday morning... Asia is out for coffee (again), E. is watching cartoons in the living room, Savannah is sleeping, Kyler is at a friend's house and I'm in the bedroom with my laptop and my cup of coffee. Bliss. I got to work as an adjudicator at the auditions for the school variety show this week... two days of elementary school kids singing, dancing, doing skits and playing instruments. I'm such a sap - I get tears in my eyes when I see the really nervous ones push through their fear and do their best... this morning the committee meets to decide who got in the show and who we have to cut. That's the icky part. Kyler has started physical therapy on his knee - it's been bugging him for a couple of weeks and he hasn't been able to train with the track team so I took him into the doctor to see if they could figure out what's going on. His favorite part of the whole process? He got an 'elevator pass' for school so he doesn't have...

Coffee pot. Crumbs on counter. Travel mug washed and still on counter from my intern meeting on Monday morning. (Evidence that I am the only person who puts hand washed items away and I've had a busy week.) Outside my front window. It's frosty today, but really, quite warm for January. Our highs have been about 10 degrees above normal all month. It's garbage day. Someone needs to pick up pinecones. E. watching tv. Thursday is the only morning I allow this, since it's late start at school. They have to hang the clean shirts up while they're watching. Savannah also watching - surrounded by shirts that need to be taken to their respective closets. Doesn't she just look bored out of her gourd? The sun is shining. Hallelujah! This has been such a fabulous winter - especially after the ALL the snow we had last year. The closet door is open, as it is almost every morning. Somehow the kids have no problem opening it to get their backpacks out, but they never seem to g...

I'm completely overwhelmed by the pain and suffering in Haiti. It's difficult to simply go about my day, doing laundry and running kids around town when I know a part of the world is so devastated... I simply cannot imagine how they will ever recover. Here I am worried about my kids' grades and whether to buy the French Vanilla or the Hazelnut creamer for my coffee and there are hundreds of thousands of people without basic necessities. Water. Shelter. Food. I'll be taking the dog in this afternoon to get her shots - spending $50 on my pet - while children are searching for their parents, living with the realization that the world just shook them into orphan status, and struggling just to find something to eat. I wish I could go. I wish I could hold hands. Show compassion. Comfort. Love. Feed. I don't know how God loves us all so much... how He carries the sorrow of seeing our fallen world... how He sees our suffering and doesn't just implode with the weight of ...

We had the opportunity on Monday evening to go to a ceremony for some friends... the husband surprised his wife on their 13th anniversary and had arranged for them to renew their vows - complete with the obligatory maids of honor (their daughters,) ring bearer (their youngest son,) and proud giver of the bride (their oldest son.) There was even a slide show and a new ring involved. It was lovely and romantic and made us all teary eyed. It's always an amazing thing to ponder how two people are made one. And how that union brings about other little people who make the world more complete. For those of us who have only known Russ and Shannon as a married couple, it seemed strange to see photos of them before . Because now they are so together . Do you know what I mean? Tonight I was talking with a young man Asia mentors... he and I have never really had an opportunity to talk without Asia around. But tonight Asia had to go pick up the kids from youth group and so we talked. He wanted ...

I spent some time last night reflecting on 2009... I'm a big fan of Simple Moms blog - and used these questions to walk through the process... As I answered the questions, I was fascinated to see how God continues to work... 2009 was a great year. 2008 was a year of incredible growth and opportunity as I walked through the privilege and challenge of caring for Tejan and going to Sierra Leone. I felt as though I was stretched to within an inch of my life as God pulled my heart all the way around the world. I don't think I walked into 2009 expecting much... I just needed to rest. And I did. While I started 2009 with a crazy busy schedule, which really peaked in April and May when I was working at Apropos and Weight Watchers, blogging for Memory Box and trying to manage our home, I ended it with complete peace and serenity... I now work only for Weight Watchers. I LOVE my job there and am so honored to walk with people on their journey to good health. (I resigned from the Memor...

Fifteen years ago today I was walking the halls of Sacred Heart hospital... I had been up all night walking the halls, trying to get contractions started after my water broke. They finally put me on a pitocin drip about 9:00 am. My son was finally born at 11:44 pm that night. Kyler Warren Goins. 8 lbs, 11 oz. Now he is six feet tall. I marvel at him... he is an amazing kid with an uncanny ability to be himself with little regard for what others think of him. He has a confidence that belies his age. He can make me laugh like no other. In short, I'm extremely proud of him. And I can't wait to see what God continues to do in and through him. He's a unique boy with a unique personality and I can't begin to imagine how God might want to use him. So happy birthday to my first born. My baby boy. My fifteen year old boy full of wonder and delight... hope you can always retain that side of yourself. I love you.

So. It's a quiet morning here. The coffee is perking away in the kitchen and the tree lights are on. Kyler hasn't come upstairs yet. He's always my first riser... early bird that he is. I can hear him puttering downstairs. I have never taken this long of a break from my blog - in almost five years of blogging. It's a season for me. A quiet season. God is so good. My internship at church is challenging me in just the ways I'd hoped it would... and I find myself needing time. Quiet. Private processing. On this journey, I'm discovering more about myself... finding my heart opened to possibilities and learning to love God in new ways. It's so good to stretch into God. So while I'm quiet here, God continues His work in me... and perhaps I'll be able to articulate it sometime soon. For now, I just need to be in a private place. Smooches, friends.

Highlight(s) of the week: hosting small group at our house Sunday night... it was a classic example of why we do group... sharing life, struggles, joys, pain. And delicious food too. This is a new group for us, so it all feels a little awkward as we begin to open up to each other, but it's good. I am learning to embrace the awkward for the reward of true community. Ministry update: The internship is great... loving our weekly meetings and getting to know the other interns better. What a great group of kids. (I'm the oldy on the team by about 16 years... there's one other adult-ish person on the team - and the pastor who oversees us is in his 30's. But for sure I'm the senior member. So weird.) I'm diving head first into new ministry opportunities - everything from designing and publishing the children's ministry newsletter to deep cleaning and organizing the church kitchen - a MUCH needed and WAY overdue job. When I signed up for the internship I really had ...

Ethan's Halloween costume... the babe magnet. Kyler - ready to give out candy to little trick-or-treaters. My freshman letterman... now if only he had the cash for the $300 lettermans jacket to put that lovely letter on... anyone need a babysitter? Savannah and her friends scrapbooking at her birthday party... Savannah's haul of LittleMismatched socks, undies and cammies... SO cute! Ice cream sundaes... too bad I didn't manage to clear off the kitchen counters before I took this shot! Don'tcha love her hat? Another b'day present... My favorite shot from her birthday photo shoot... 13 going on 20... She's such a great kid.

Savannah's birthday was yesterday... Lucky girl NEVER has to go to school on her birthday, since November 11th is always Veteran's Day. So we had a sleepover Tuesday night with four of her best friends. The next morning, the girls got up, had birthday donuts, then I took them all down to Riverfront Park and we took oodles of pictures to later come home and scrapbook (after a couple of hours of bowling with Asia while I got the pictures developed...) Each girl went home with a 6 x 6 album filled with their favorite shots of the day. I can't go on enough about what a great group of girls this is... they spent the whole day together with no catty girl stuff... quite an accomplishment for junior high girls... but not unusual at all for this group. They're so fun. I had a blast with them. Can't believe she's thirteen...

I've started my internship at church. Which means several things. First, I'm reading. A lot. And will continue to read a lot throughout the year. I love to read - especially non-fiction, so I'm good with that. Secondly, it means that every Tuesday morning, I go to an intern meeting from 5:30 am to 7:30 am. And last, it means that I'm opening my heart to God - anticipating lots of challenges as I dive deeper into my relationship with him and allow myself to be stretched in new ways. Already, only two weeks in, I have a whole heart full of things about which I'm praying... Kyler finished his cross country season on Saturday. I was sick, so I missed his race. It was the All City race - and he placed 13th out of probably 50 freshmen... his team came in second out of the ten schools in attendance - which is exciting to me. These boys could turn into a pretty good team over the years. Cross country is EXTREMELY competitive in Spokane. The past two years the number one te...

Earlier in the week, I could be heard saying, "I don't have time to get sick this week. I have way too much to do." Famous last words. Because, of course, I got sick. Fortunately, it didn't hit me hard until Tuesday night, when I'd already led three of my four meetings for the week. So I called around and found a sub for my Wednesday meeting, called and cancelled other appointments (including the haircut I've been waiting more than 3 weeks for) and have been planted on the couch or in bed ever since. Other than my walks. Yes. I've still walked. Actually, the fresh air has felt amazing and invigorating compared to the stuffy sick air in the house. (Mind you - these are short walks. But I'm out there. Not one sedentary day for me this year...) I'm on page 373 of a 479 page novel. I haven't read a fiction book in so long. It always feels too self-indulgent, so I never partake. But I get SO tired of the tv. So the book has been a welcome break. Asi...

I was inspired by Ali Edwards today... Outside my window ... there are pine needles and pine cones in my front yard that desperately need to be raked. The grass is dead - a result of our decision to conserve water and save money this summer. The neighbors probably hate us. But I'm okay with it. I was tempted to put up a little sign in the yard saying something like "People all over the world carry water every morning for their most basic needs. In honor of them, we refuse to waste water to have green grass." I am thinking ... that I really need to get into the shower. Busy day today. I am thankful for .... my job. I really love it. It keeps me off the street. From the kitchen ... Sloppy Joes last night... I know they're not gourmet, but my kids sure like 'em. I am wearing ... sweats, my favorite jammie gown, a hoodie sweatshirt and slippers. Like I said, I need to get in the shower. I am creating ... two commissions from the Fall Market I...

I do not notice the number on the scale when you step onto it. I know you are self conscious, sharing this very private thing with me in our tiny little weigh booth. But just like your doctor sees nakedness all the time, I see well over 100 numbers every week. I'm looking to see if your weight went up or down - and that's about it. The number itself means nothing to me. What matters is that you're at my meeting, working hard to change the number. I'm so proud of you for being there. I want you to succeed. I know that feeling of being stuffed into your clothes, pulling and tugging at them to keep them from sticking in between the rolls. I know. I know . I know how badly you want to change and how hard you have to fight to do it. And I want to encourage you every single week - whether you're up or down. I know you can do it. If I could instill anything in your mind, it would be a peaceful acceptance of the notion that this has to be an every day choice for the rest o...

You don't want to get in line behind me at the grocery store, is all I'm sayin'. 'Cause I've become that woman with stacks and stacks of manufacturers coupons who knows each store's coupon policies better than the clerks themselves. This morning I managed to get all this food and schtuff for $17.59 That's: 2 small boxes of jello 2 small boxes of Wheat Thins 2 bags of Brachs Autumn Mix (I like the pumpkins best!) 2 bags of halloween M&Ms Olay Creme Ribbons body wash Chapstick in Green Tea flavor 2 packs of Trident Layers gum 2 four packs of Yo-Plus yogurt 3 bags of Halloween candy (stocking up now!) 11 cans of Pillsbury crescent rolls 4 packs of Bumblebee albacore tuna 4 cartons of Tropicana OJ (the only kind Asia will drink) 3 pounds of ripe bananas (I need to make muffins for Kyler's track meet on Saturday) Without coupons, it all would have cost me $64.26. I had an acquaintance in line behind me at Fred Meyer who caught up to me afterwards and sai...

Last weekend Kyler went to Missoula, Montana for the Mountain West Invitational. He ran 3 miles in 18:24 and placed 62nd out of 434 runners in the JV race. We didn't go, so I don't have pictures. But I do have pictures from Ethan's first cross country meet, yesterday! They haven't offered cross country at the elementary school level for about six years, so we were thrilled when the flier came home announcing that our school district had received a grant funding the program this year. E. was very excited to try his hand (or feet, as the case may be) at running like his big brother. Plus, he's hoping the training will help him when wrestling season rolls around... it can't hurt, for sure! What a fun meet - there was constant action as they ran 14 races, one right after the other, starting with kindergarten girls, followed by kindergarten boys and so on - all the way through 6th grade. The course was a mile... quite a feat by those with the tiniest little legs. Kyl...

Asia's in Seattle this week. He's been home so consistantly lately I'm finding it hard to find my groove. I'll get there. He's scheduled to be gone three out of four weeks in October. I'm up to leading four Weight Watcher's meetings. This week and next I'm working six and seven meetings with sub jobs. I really love it. The beauty of it is I prepare once and then just repeat the same material at every meeting. So different from teaching scrapbooking, which required LOTS of prep time for every class. Gearing up for a big Craft/Antique/Junk Sale I'll be selling stuff at next weekend (Sept. 25 & 26.) My studio is all awhirl with activity as I create and organize for it. Fun stuff. I'll post pictures of a few of my items in the next couple of days. If you're local, it will be at the Moran Prairie Grange. I had an amazing day at garage sales last weekend... only had an hour to go because we had to get to Kyler's cross country meet, but I ma...