thoughts from the deep recesses

I think this is officially my favorite time of year... cooler nights but still hot days, sharpened pencils all ready for school, pulling cardigans out of the closet... ah, fall, you have my heart... that first school bus sighting always makes my heart go pitter-patter... Vegan-ism, I find, illicits strong reactions from people. It's interesting how confounding it is to others... people ask me all the time "What do you eat?" It's so fun to list off my healthy list... fruits, vegetables, whole grains, legumes, nuts and seeds... SO many yummy choices on that list. Last night I had fresh corn cut off the cob with avocado and sweet peppers for dinner along with sourdough bread and homemade pesto. Believe me, I'm not deprived. That plate full of color and flavor made me SO happy. And I feel SO much better ALL.THE.TIME. I saw a dandelion in our new front yard the other day. AGH!  Crazy how much that one yellow flower disturbed me when compared to the plot full of wee...

I approach the blank page with a little uncertainty today... mostly because I feel I have something to say but have no idea where I'll end up. I just know I need to write. Process. Take a moment... It's been a rough summer for me. I work a lot now - more than I ever have since I had kids. And so summer looks very different for my kiddos... with mom gone a lot and them defining their days on their own. I haven't heard many complaints from them... occasionally one will groan when I remind them I'll be working... but in general, I think they're managing just fine. My struggle lies more in what happens when I'm not working... because more often than not, when I get home, they leave. This is my reality. I work - and then I come home to an empty house. Not that different from the school year routine - but somehow it feels so wrong. And sad. I miss my kids. And so I have spent much of the summer fighting a melancholy... a lost-ness... a lack of direction....

We bought our house in 1999... and when we did, the front lawn was lush and lovely. The flower beds were full of 50 year old shubberies. And the previous owner left us a nicely designed array of hoses and sprinklers that we could turn on and off as needed to maintain the landscape. We immediately had the shrubbery taken out, replacing them with some newer, more modern plantings. However, over the years, Asia and I have discovered that neither of us enjoys/wants to do yard work. At all. I certainly don't want to do it if he's not going to do it. He started making the boys do the lawn mowing when they were barely tall enough to reach the handle of the lawnmower just so he wouldn't have to. This led to quite a few years of barely doing anything to the yard. We would water haphazardly... and I would complain that the grass was getting brown. We tried to reseed in places with no success. The two big pine trees out there suck up a tremendous amount of water and gradually...

My laptop quit working several weeks ago. Evidently, I'm not a fan of composing blog posts at our desktop computer. Because I haven't blogged since the laptop died. Add to that the fact that I almost never take pictures anymore with my standard camera (which is misbehaving recently as well) and I'm just not much of a blogger anymore. Add Instagram to the mix, which gives me the ability to cash in on the 'picture worth a 1000 words' adage and I've obviously been wooed away from traditional writing/posting/documenting life via blogging. However, this venue has been such a fun way to archive our journey that I'm still committed to it. Even if I'm just committed to the idea/value of it, it's still there, eh? I guess it's pretty bad when almost every blog post starts with why I haven't been blogging... perhaps I should just get over that and let it be. Post when I'm inspired and stop apologizing/rationalizing not posting... So - in t...

Thursdays are my weekday off... I strive to stay home on Thursdays. I found when I gave up Fridays off that if I don't commit to just being home on Thursdays, my mental/emotional health suffers. And then my family suffers. So I decided that errands and schtuff could all happen on the other days of the week. Thursdays it's just me and my house. This is how I recharge. I need Thursdays. A favorite feature of my favorite day: I barely get dressed. Having to dress for work every other day of the week (with the exception of Sundays - but that requires dressing for church) makes the one day I can wear my ugly jeans and favorite cardigan and simply throw my hair into a big messy bun a delicious luxury... Thursday I can fiddle around my house and get those nagging little jobs done... the stuff that drives me crazy during my busy work week... For instance: the baseboards in the kitchen that get splattered when the dishwasher is loaded got wiped down this morning. This requires ly...

Lots going on for our little family - May is always crazy - and this month is no exception Savannah has finished up a spring golf season at her high school. She really loved playing (her first time ever.) We borrowed clubs from a friend of ours who played golf for WSU - then I managed to find her a complete set that was the perfect size for $2 50 . Yes . Two dollars and fifty cents. As soon as golf ended, Driver's Ed started. So now I have two teenagers driving. At least finally now when she asks "Can I drive?" (which she's been doing for about two years...) we can legally say yes. Ethan is finishing up his final year at the elementary school and prepping to start junior high in the fall. Lots of 'lasts' happening for us there... our last variety show a couple months ago, our last walk-a-thon next week, our last parent/teacher conference, our last Band and Strings Spectacular. Can't believe that after being at this school since the fall of 2000, our ti...

I often find myself wanting to post... but talking myself out of it because my thoughts are so full I cannot honestly imagine being able to constrict them with words or tame them with grammar. I want to write about anti-consumerism. Being vegan. My kids growing up. The mystery of twenty years of marriage. Africa. Jesus. Aging well. The struggle to grow a career vs. the desire to be home with my family. Tithing. Community. Potential. Weight loss/maintenance. In the past I've been able to write things out and find some personal clarity on tough topics. Lately, writing has begun to start feeling too committal... like I'm hesitant to declare too much for fear that the declarations made will need to be altered with the passage of time. I guess I feel like the older I get the stronger my conviction that the only sure thing is the gospel. How the gospel impacts my life has changed so much over the years... my response to Jesus' love for me looks radically different than it d...

She told people she didn't like change, when actually no change at all was one of her biggest fears. In response to that, she did her best to push back against expectations and settling. Leaning into tension and uncertainty and questions felt safer than a cocoon of sameness. And yet - she confused even herself because while her surroundings seldom changed, her heart was forever pulled this way and that... As she got older, she found her salvation didn't center on who she was or what she did but instead, it was all about Grace. And so she was able to stop performing/striving/being and simply exhale who she was created to be. Listener. Encourager. Lover. Nurturer. As she stopped pursuing the things she used to think would bring her happiness, she found everything she'd ever longed for. Validation. Confidence. Success. Wholeness. Contentment. Blessing. Often, she found herself marveling at the sheer beauty of the messy, broken people He brought to her. What...

So - being vegan has been easier than I thought. I'm most interested in how easy it has been to live with what seems like a very limited diet based on a 'religious commitment' compared to how hard it is to feel limited in just my every day life... For instance - with Weight Watchers, one of the biggest tenants of the program is that you should not deprive yourself - because deprivation tends to backfire... causing binging or quitting altogether. And I agree that this is usually true... that learning to manage foods is much more sustainable than simply trying to cut them out. But somehow - with the vegan thing - I've been able to deprive myself of a huge number of things with little to no struggle. I haven't been tempted to eat chocolate, cheese, dairy, meat... it just isn't an option. Why such a difference? Because on a normal, non-lent day, if you tell me I can't have chocolate, all I can think about is chocolate... and then eventually I go and consume...

Asia and I went to bed last night overwhelmed and thankful and completely dependant on God for His strength and support. We have found ourselves in a place of what feels like almost constant demand for the past several weeks: We are working with three pre-marital couples right now - doing their pre-marriage counseling, building into them as young couples and investing time in their relationships on a regular basis. One week recently, that meant we had a couple in our home every other day... we try not to schedule like that but occasionally it happens that way. We recently re-defined our boundaries in taking on additional couples but are always stretched in this as we support our church as the overseers of the pre-marital ministry. We find ourselves in high demand and constantly have to wisely delegate and carefully consider our limitations. We had the opportunity this week to support/love on a young man who has entered our lives recently who is walking through the birth of his ...

I did not grow up in a church that intentionally celebrated Lent. In fact, I didn't even know that Mardi Gras had any religious implications or that it was connected to the Lenten season. However, as an adult, specifically in the past 5 years or so, taking time during lent to focus my heart has become a cherished tradition for me. I find it a refreshing way to consider my faith anew... and to recognize God's ultimate sacrifice. The question each year is always: what? This year, Savannah and I have decided to become vegan. Which, yes, means that not only are we not eating meat, we aren't consuming any animal products, including dairy and eggs. Recently we watched a fascinating and compelling documentary called Forks Over Knives . The movie examines the profound claim that most, if not all, of the degenerative diseases that afflict us can be controlled, or even reversed, by rejecting animal-based and processed foods. Bold statements. Boldly presented. We weren't t...

I am a person mired deep in a need for security... and I am easily fooled into believing I have it when my circumstances appear stable. I am learning this about myself as Asia and I walk through the process of transitioning our source of income from one that's been easy and secure to one (two) that is variable and uncertain. Having lived in the same house for the first 18 years of my life with parents who avoided change, I have little experience with this sort of evolution... in the 20 years we've been married Asia and I have only moved five times. I like constancy. Security. Comfort. Stability. Now I'm being asked to trust. Trust that God will continue to provide in light of risk and instability and uncertainty. Now I know - the only reason we have had what felt like security all these years is because God has provided. Jehovah Jireh and all that. I know it intellectually. But it's darn easy to be fairly convinced that a good, secure job excludes the need for ...

This week I had a birthday. Forty three years old, I am. For some reason in my mind I have skipped a year and keep thinking I'm 44... and then I have to subtract and remind myself. It's been quite a year - my 43rd year held not only a trip to Africa with my family, but a huge milestone in personal fitness in my half marathon... two things I never would have imagined myself doing ten years ago. This year promises to be another crazy ride... The older I get, the more I study myself... striving toward growth... pushing myself into being stretched. I now find myself an 'older mom'... with the distinct privilege of encouraging and loving on younger women... sharing life on life how God has brought me through the challenges of many years of parenting. My marriage has lasted almost 20 years... and I find myself blessed to be more in love with my husband today than I ever imagined. He continues to be my best friend, greatest supporter, biggest encourager, most fav...

Seriously, Pinterest. Who knew I would end up organizing my ENTIRE freaking life on this one website. I have almost every good idea ever known to man all saved up on this one gorgeous, amazing site. It's scary and wonderful all at once. If I ever get around to using everything I've saved there, I'll think I've died and gone to heaven. Case in point: THIS SOUP . Truly. I've made it twice now. To rave reviews. Kyler even said "Mom, this soup is fantastic." and then declared it second only to his very favorite meal of all time, African Peanut Stew... and this kid has never liked soup. Thank you, Pinterest. Tomorrow is my mom's 70th birthday. I have a little something special up my sleeve for her... unfortunately, she won't know what it is until the day after or the day afte r the day after her birthday because I'm terrible about getting to the post office. So goes the curse of having a birthday on the 1st of the month... every year it sneaks u...

My Georgia girl... always looking out for others jumping in where there are needs diligent and hard working careful and considerate kinder than I've ever been cowboy lovin' quiet observing guarding her heart with wisdom beyond her years goofy quesadilla lover sister spanish prodigy quick learner of life's lessons soft hearted and teachable sweet, sweet Savannah my Luba * *Mende (Sierra Leonean tribal language) for 'blessing'

Officially the longest blog title. Ever in the history of Thoughts from the Deep Recesses. Yes. Work has been insane. You see, Weight Watchers is opening new stores all over the country. And my store - the store I am the Location Coordinator of opened January 2nd. After being told it would open January 9th. And then January 4th. And then a wedding on New Year's Day in Portland when my nephew married his beautiful bride, Annie. And then our computers weren't working at the new store. And that was a crazy experience, processing the crowds and crowds of new year's resolutions join-ers... without the convenience and speed of our computer system. And of course, I volunteered to oversee our Housewarming event. Which was last Saturday. And now, this week is what I think is actually going to be a 'normal' work week. And now, I can blog. Twenty-twelve. For the first time in four years, I don't have a MAJOR goal for the new year. I have lots of goals... ...

Today I happened upon a lovely little blog whilst wasting time on my newest, latest internet time waster, Pinterest. And that lovely little blog inspired me to come on over here to my own very sad, neglected blog. So here I am, wishing I had some lovely photos of something interesting to post. But I don't. I do have some words to share. So we'll go with that. I remember when the kids were little I used to be jealous of Asia and his meetings. He would complain about how many he had to go to and how boring they were. I remember thinking how nice it would be to have someone think I was important enough to invite me to participate in a meeting. I was up to my ears in laundry and diapers and bored stiff by housework. Don't get me wrong. I loved staying home with my babies - but let's be honest. It's not rocket science. And it's not overly stimulating or rewarding on a day-to-day-to-day basis. Frankly, it's boring. And repetitive. And lovely in it's ...

Or, to translate, 'Half of my head hurts all of the time.' I have had a headache on the right side of my head for over five years. Never debilitating. But always there. Annoying. Aching. Nagging. Relieved easily with ibuprofin, but always returning as soon as the medicine wore off. Every.single.day.for.more.than.five.years. I've seen my primary care doctor, my dentist, two ear nose and throat specialists and one neurologist. Had CT scans and MRIs. And until two weeks ago, no one could find a cause. But two weeks ago, a sweet neurologist spent 45 minutes with me... asking me question after question after question. Reading my MRI results. Doing neurological tests. At first, he joined the others in telling me there really isn't a diagnosis for my symptoms. The MRI was clear. My symptoms were too non-specific... no real causes... no patterns. Apparently chronic, daily, all the time pain isn't enough to diagnose much. Except Hemicrania Continua . Whic...

Kyler has a girlfriend. She is a senior at his highschool - a cross country runner - and is VERY, VERY pretty. It's very new - as in today is their one week anniversary. Savannah turned 15 on 11-11-11. She continues to be a huge blessing in my life... Trader Joe's has finally opened in Spokane. It's very close to me - which is a huge treat in a city where almost all the 'good' shopping is on the other end of town. Love popping in there whenever I need something but I'm still trying to figure out what they do and don't carry. Last night I needed cream cheese. Trader Joe's doesn't have cream cheese.  We celebrated the one year anniversary of Julie's heart attack last weekend. I'm calling it her heartiversary. A sweet day to celebrate her good health and our little community of folks doing life together.  Putting together a package for our three boys in Sierra Leone... and a few other kids we simply have to send letters to. Our family there ...

Amazingly, this is my 1000th post on thoughts from the deep recesses... I can hardly believe I've done anything 1000 times... but especially this silly little blog. I started this blog in March of 2005 - very reluctantly. I wasn't sure what I would ever post about... or even why I would bother... but I did it. I only wrote two posts a month for the first two months... and then slowly my posts picked up speed. Certainly, my posting has ebbed and flowed over the years. Facebook gives blogging a run for it's money - and often things that I may have written about here became status updates instead... I prefer blog posts but realistically, find time for Facebook much more easily than I find time for blogging. So there have been months when the blog has been neglected. But it's still a big part of how I record life. To keep with tradition, I'm going to do a Tuesday Ten of some of my favorite random blog posts over the years... Letter to my 16 year-old-sel...