Tension.

I often find myself wanting to post... but talking myself out of it because my thoughts are so full I cannot honestly imagine being able to constrict them with words or tame them with grammar.

I want to write about anti-consumerism. Being vegan. My kids growing up. The mystery of twenty years of marriage. Africa. Jesus. Aging well. The struggle to grow a career vs. the desire to be home with my family. Tithing. Community. Potential. Weight loss/maintenance.

In the past I've been able to write things out and find some personal clarity on tough topics. Lately, writing has begun to start feeling too committal... like I'm hesitant to declare too much for fear that the declarations made will need to be altered with the passage of time.

I guess I feel like the older I get the stronger my conviction that the only sure thing is the gospel. How the gospel impacts my life has changed so much over the years... my response to Jesus' love for me looks radically different than it did ten years ago.

Either I'm wishy-washy or I'm teachable.

Or maybe I'm both.

I do know that I'm much less likely to pretend I have anything figured out than I used to be. I don't need you to think I'm anything special. I'm just another soul on a journey.

I guess a big part of it is a shift from wanting/needing attention to wanting to hold the tension close and struggle with it privately. I used to LOVE the dialoge/interaction I got from publicly wrestling with things. And now it just feels more internal.

So I don't write much.

It's a pretty big shift for me. I've processed with the written word for as long as I can remember. Now I think I'm more of an instictive, holy-spirit listening, intentionally-focused-on-the-moment-processor now.

So that's where I've been. Where I'm at. Maybe where I'm heading... although I'm less inclined to declare that than ever as well...