thoughts from the deep recesses

Simply put, this card made my whole Christmas.

Wishing you all the merriest Christmas and time to reflect on the gift of God's son... Smooch you all. (Be back in a few days!)

Went to bed last night exhausted. "Why?" I asked Asia. "Why can't I find joy this holiday season?" "Why am I so tired?" "And empty?" So many tears... When I open the floodgates stuff really flows... But most of the time the floodgates are locked tightly shut. "I am so afraid." "I don't know how to trust God when I know He's breaking my heart..." And then, in a quiet moment, I heard the word "EMBRACE." Embrace it. Embrace the pain. Embrace the raw feelings - so that instead of feeling overwhelmed and trapped by them, I can look them in the eye and be empowered by them. Embrace the nakedness I feel in my soul. Embrace the fear leading into this terrible goodbye. Embrace a God who is the same yesterday, today and forever. Embrace knowing that Tejan is in the hands of God Almighty. Embrace the brokeness. Because it is far more real than the distracted way I live my life 90% of the time. I woke up this...

I took Tejan to the airport yesterday. Wow. That place can steal all your holiday joy in a hurry. He's spending the week near Seattle with friends. After waiting 2 1/2 hours for his flight to finally get off the ground, I came home and crashed. This morning I got up early. I wanted to stretch. I realized while I was in my crashed state last night that I've done nothing for my body since T. came. Other than the occasional walk with the dog, I haven't worked out at all. Which I hate. Because I LOVE my workout. I love what it does for my body. But I haven't been able to even think about putting something else on my schedule over the past few months. So of course, working out is the first thing to go. With at least 3 doctors appointments a week on average, I'm a little tired of being in the car, running around. And driving to the gym just seemed like the last straw. So I haven't gone. This morning I did my favorite t.v. workout. It felt so good to move my body. To b...

Savannah is home sick today - missing her classroom Christmas party - and watching The Price is Right. I have so many memories of watching The Price is Right when I was home sick from school... I have to say, it's just not the same without Bob. I had to greet the Dish Network repairman this morning before I had my shower. Ugh. Can you say ugly? I hate having repairmen in my house - but especially when I look like a pathetic housewife who doesn't shower. How cute are those Coke polar bears? Seriously. Tejan flies to Seattle tomorrow to spend 6 days with friends there... we'll pick him up on Christmas Eve. The presents are about half wrapped. I decided a couple of years ago to forego the bows. They're expensive and they make it hard to stack packages. I put wired ribbon around a few packages, but I don't do bows anymore. Call me scrooge . I'm just not doing it. We're furniture shopping... Asia told me I could pick out a chair for the living room or a new kitch...

I've struggled with writing lately. For one thing, my 'n' keeps sticking on my keyboard. Drives me crazy. But really, the main reason is that stuff's been hard lately. And I'm hesitant to write about this particular struggle. I'm not sure why. Or maybe I am sure why and that's why I don't do it. But the truth is, I have tried really hard in the last few years to be real about where I'm at - what God is or isn't doing in me - and so in the spirit of maintaining an honest record of my life (which is why I blog,) I'm going to write. And I'm not going to edit much... so forgive me if this ends up a little disjointed. Or a little harsh sounding. Or a little hopeless. I'm in this place where there is little resolution, so don't expect me to be able to wrap it up in a nice little box for you. It's going to be a little on the rough side. That I can promise. I find myself in such a hard place. So many of my thoughts are half-formed. I ...

tired complicated a competent and organized cook tall a teacher completely competent at organizing but usually disorganized lazy distressed by clutter a mommy a closet musician guarded in need of a workout routine convinced I could win Survivor learning to appreciate wine so happy I made cinnamon roasted almonds tonight loyal moral faithful VERY happily married going grey afraid of snakes an avoider of phones needing to pray more most comfortable in jeans fed in my deepest parts by the beach an Oregonian at heart anti-mini-van the best chocolate chip cookie maker I know a magazine reader offended by arrogance addicted to lip balm a vintage art collector a garage sale shopper losing the need to fit in comforted by tradition a nap taker a photographer a writer a parent volunteer terrible at small talk easily irritated a proud mom sentimental almost 39 years old selfish lonely not afraid to do the right thing compassionate a dog-lover kept awake by my muse a recovering church addict a cof...

On Saturday, I helped a good friend make a 'proposal scrapbook.' He highlighted how they met and the significant moments of their dating relationship, and then on the last page, had a picture of himself holding a ring. He gave it to her last night, and she said yes! Yay for Johnny P. and Melissa! Obviously, it was four hours of scrapbooking well spent. Savannah and I went to see the Nutcracker over the weekend. We had a lovely afternoon at the ballet, followed by some shopping downtown and dinner out. So fun. (One of her best friends played Fritz - and a naughtier little Fritz I've never seen... good job, Nora!) Tejan brought home a progress report from school yesterday and we have some pretty major issues with missing assignments. Not because he's been missing school - he's been very consistent with his attendance the last month. Now I have to go in with him and talk to the teacher... he gets A's on everything he turns in... but he's just not turning stuff ...

The theme of our advent meditation at church yesterday was peace. I often associate peace with quiet. The opposite of loud and demanding. Contrary to chaos. I told a girlfriend awhile back that in this whole experience with Tejan, the most amazing thing is that while I am surrounded by noise and busy-ness and appointments and SO many demands, I have peace. It's as though there is a cloud of calmness over my household - in the midst of all the craziness. If you've met Tejan, you know that he is in many ways larger than life. He is charming. Loud. Funny. Full of nervous energy. Moving. Asking. Talking. Singing. Commanding attention. And if you know me at all, you know that I generally prefer more quiet personalities. So the fact that I can experience any peace at all in this time is a gift from my Jehovah-Jirah, my God who provides. The Prince of Peace. How are you experiencing his peace this season? "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will b...

Happy Birthday, Ethan!

I was awakened early this morning by blustery wind and rain outside. It's been storming all night. The snow is melting and there is wet, slushy stuff everywhere you look. It would be a great day to stay in. After all, it's Monday. And Monday is my favorite day to stay in. However, I'll have to drive the kids to school. And take T. to a dentist's appointment. And pick them up again. And teach a class tonight. So staying in is not an option. *** I counted up the other day. So far, since September, I've taken Tejan to 25 doctor appointments. Wow. *** I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with this little guy. How it's a lot like a summer camp relationship. When I worked at summer camp, the friendships were always in fast-forward. You're spending so much time with the other staff, it's like a year or two of normal life crammed into two and a half months of heightened relational intimacy. Within days, you've seen each other without makeup. By...