thoughts from the deep recesses

Wow - I'm in a major funk this afternoon. The weather is frightful - windy and stormy and raining like crazy. I went and had lunch with Asia, which usually brightens any day, but for some reason this afternoon, I'm restless and discontent and cranky. My poor kids. They're really being troopers, 'cause Mom's checked out. I don't know why this happens... it's that dark cloud I've talked about... I find myself just wanting to put my head in my hands and close out the world. Take a LONG nap. Like three days long. I'd like to blame it on the weather, or the long winter - but truth is, I get like this in the summer too - so that's totally not it. It's just my ugly funky monster, rearing it's stupid head. Makes me tired. Really tired.

I'm participating in my very first circle journal... For those of you who are not scrapbook/paper arts savvy, this is a group that you join where every participant creates a themed book, which is sent month by month to each person in the group. When you receive a book, you create an entry for their journal, then send it on to the next person on the list. At the end, you receive your own book back, full of artsy journal entries from talented women all over the world. My book is themed "I Am Beautiful." I hope to see women embrace their beauty and celebrate their unique, God-given traits. I finished my part of the journal off this weekend and sent it in the post today. It's off on it's journey, and I won't see it again for ten months. I'm so excited to get the first journal that I get to contribute to... it should be here any day. Anywho - here are pictures of my book... I'm pleased with how girly and sweet it turned out...

After a two weeks of sickness, I've finally got all three kids back in school today. The quiet is amazing. No tv, no whining, no noise except Gracie's breathing and the clickety clack of my computer keys. That's a good thing. I'm amazed at how much I love silence. As a youngster, and even into my twenties, I always had to have some noise... usually music playing, no matter what I was doing. Now music seems intrusive. Although, if I'm creating, I usually have some music on. But for the general good of my mood, quiet is what makes me happy. It's supposed to be 50 degrees here today. That's downright balmy, folks. We haven't seen 50 in months. I feel like I should go shave my legs and put on capris or something crazy . Crazy like a tank top. After all, it is almost March. We've had a mild winter, but still, the promise of spring always makes me a little giddy. The switching of the rooms has turned out to be such a good thing. S. loves having her room b...

At the haircutting appointment, I sat across from an elderly lady who was getting her hair set. She sat in the chair, her eyes closed most of the time, as the young, hip hairdresser dried and curled and teased her snow white hair. The hairdresser appeared to merely tolerate this boring assignment. After all, there would be no razor cut, no highlights, no avant-garde techniques with this client. Just a simple, old-fashioned set. I couldn't help but think that my generation will probably never be the weekly hair set type. I think that mentality somehow fits this current generation of the elderly, and will probably not carry on to the next. I can't imagine my mother starting the habit of a weekly hair set. Now, it may be just because the "set" hairstyles are not en vogue right now. There aren't a lot of short, rollered, teased styles at the forefront of todays coiffures. But as I watched that woman relax and get her hair taken care of for the next week, I couldn'...

It's been such a busy week... and while I feel the need to write something, I'm totally blank. Maybe tomorrow. I'm off to get a haircut now.

I'm not sure how the week can possibly be more than half over. I guess having Monday off threw me for a bit of a loop. The room-moving project is officially done. We had a guest coming over for dinner last night from the new church, and I was extrememly motivated to get EVERYTHING put away and the kitchen restored to it's full glory before he got here, so I busted a move and got it all done yesterday. All in all, I'm happy with the end results. My new studio is much smaller, but it's also cozier and more inviting. It's organized and clean, and with so much less space, it's going to have to stay that way, or else I'll be in a world of hurt. I have boxes of stuff to ebay, and I'm just sure I'll be a millionairess when I get it all sold. Today is also busy, with my class at the school this afternoon and a very tardy design team project to finish. I've got one kid still home with a fever, and this morning S. was complaining about a sore throat, whic...

We're so pathetic around here. I've been painting non-stop for three days. Tonight when I was washing out my tools for the last time, my right hand cramped up so that my pinky and ring fingers were totally bent in towards my palm and I couldn't for the life of me open them back up. So weird. It was as if my hand was saying "Okay, I'm DONE!" My shoulders hurt, my legs are sore and the veins on my hands are sticking out so far they remind me of some guy who's been pumping iron. I haven't been this exhausted since I gave birth to E. six years ago. Asia pulled a calf muscle today playing tennis. He's literally hobbling around the house, unable to put any weight on his right leg. He said he heard it "pop." Yuck. K. is running a fever. 102 degrees. He's been lying on the living room floor all day in his sleeping bag reading books and watching tv. E. is finally starting to feel better, after three days of fever, runny nose and a cough. Only ...

We've been moving and painting and cleaning and rearranging and painting some more... what a huge job it is to move two whole rooms! S. is settled into my ex-studio. We finished the painting up today and got all her stuff moved in. It looks great. I'll post some pictures tomorrow. Now I have to paint my new studio, S.'s old room. I'll try to get that done tomorrow and hopefully I can get things moved in on Monday. Right now all my stuff is in the kitchen, which drives me crazy. I hate having my new kitchen all cluttered up. I'm hoping to be able to go through my stuff and eliminate a lot of things I never use... hopefully I can purge well and be organized as I assemble my new space. It's great to have S. moved in, but a bummer to only be halfway through the job... I like to relax on the weekends, and I haven't been doing much of that... oh well. There's always next weekend.

E. came into my room this morning... "Mommy, I feel funny..." He'd gone to bed with a fever the night before, so I reached up to feel his forehead. He was burning up. Asia got out of bed to go get some ibuprofin, while I took of his jammie shirt and laid him down in my bed. I got a cool washcloth for his forehead and laid down beside him. We took his temp - it was 103... enough to scare me a bit, only because as a baby, he had numerous febrile seizures. I snuggled up next to him and we talked. He was sad to not be going to school. Then, out of the blue he said "What if I get so sick that I die?" I reassured him that I didn't think he would get that sick - that he just has a bad cold. "But if I did die, I would get to go to heaven to be with Jeus." "Yes, you would." "But what about all the kids who don't know about Jesus and they die? Then they have to go to hell and go into the lake of fire." "Let's not worry about ...

If you've spent any time with me at all in real life, you've probably heard me lament the difficulty of my relationship with my firstborn. K. is such a strange boy. I'll be the first to admit it. He's FULL of personality. FULL of life. FULL of noise. FULL of confidence. He's smart, but lazy. Funny, but immature. Handsome, but geeky. Since he turned about 6, the boy has been driving me crazy. Literally up the wall crazy. His personality is so out there, constantly in your face, that living with him is a challenge. Add to that, his pre-adolescent limit pushing and self-centeredness, and I'm ready to lock the kid in a dungeon for a few years. This morning I lost it. It was an ugly Mommy moment. His morning routine usually goes something like this: 7:30 I wake him up so he can shower 7:45 He's been in the bathroom for 15 minutes, but instead of showering, he's been sitting on the toilet reading. I yell at him to get in the shower. 8:00 This is the time he s...

Lots of miscellaneous thoughts going through my head today... Yesterday I refused to even open up my laptop until late in the day. I can get sucked in so easily to wasting WAY too much time with it. My heart was heavy with concern and I knew it was time to just be on my knees and talk to God. Already this morning, I found out that He has answered one of my prayers. It's so good to be quiet and spill my heart... I love when I make the time for extended prayer. Valentine's Day was fun. I always put a little pile of goodies at their spots at the breakfast table for the kids. My Mom did the same and I like that they are growing u p with the same tradition. Asia generally does nothing, but yesterday he brought me a single long stem red rose and a card at lunchtime. I spent the afternoon baking chocolate chip cookies and dipping strawberries in chocolate for dessert and then the whole family had a candlelight dinner. Sweet. Monday night we went to a city wide Band Extravaganza for K....

I'm taking tomorrow off from the blog. I've just been overwhelmed the last few days with really hard life circumstances for all sorts of people I love and care for and feel like I really need to spend the morning praying. So I'll be back later in the week. I need to spend some time at the feet of God.

We did find a bed on Saturday... and it was even in stock, so we were able to bring it home with us. After a couple of different arrangements, we found the furniture placement that worked best and we're all settled in. I love it. I love the casual-ness of it and the color and the scale... it's just what I wanted. Now I REALLY need to paint my room... as we moved all the furniture I noticed how bad all the walls have gotten... hopefully I can get that done in the next month or so. I'm going to go with a deep golden color I think. Something that will offset the bed and compliment the textiles in the room. I love getting new furniture.

This afternoon I managed to get out for my twice monthly trip to Target. See, there isn't a Target anywhere near my house, so for me to get up there, I've got to plan a whole day around it. Not that it's that far away, but Spokanites has this strange mentality about leaving our own part of town... I live on the South Hill. The two Targets are on The North Side and in The Valley. While it only takes about 15 minutes to get to either location, it feels like a cross-country jaunt to me. We're pretty provincial, I guess. Anyway, I did my Target run, which didn't feel particularly successful, since I couldn't buy cold medicine (the pharmacy was closed and heaven knows we don't want the wrong people to get ahold of the Nyquil) and I couldn't find the right sized covered garbage can for the bathroom. I hate it when I can't cross every item off my list. An unfinished list feels like failure. And means I have to somehow remember to look for those items elsewh...

If you scroll way down to the bottom of the page, you can see my counter... I just noticed I was at 5,999. Are you #6000?

S. and E. are in her room right now listening to music. S. has a karaoke machine, and they've been singing along to a Lizzie McGuire soundtrack... I've been reading blogs and drinking my coffee, not really paying much attention to them. A moment ago, the music stopped and I heard E. say, "Okay, you've got to have way more soul..." Apparently they're rehearsing for something and S. is missing the essential it factor. Soul. Certainly, she isn't going to get it from me. I'm blaming it totally on Asia if she's lacking soul. ***** I'm intrigued by the lack of comments yesterday. Did I scare you all with the shift from my usual light hearted banter? I was hoping to hear some more thoughts back... ah well... it was good for me to write it out - clarify my convictions for myself and read it aloud to Asia last night... still - if you have thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

Alrighty then. I've been thinking a lot about this issue and I just need to type it out. Put it out there. Process it through my fingers, which tends to be the best way for me to think through things. So here goes. God loves homosexuals. Now, that may seem an obvious statement to some people, and it may be uncomfortable for others. Or you may agree, but not really want to deal with the messiness that comes along with a statement like that... but whatever your reaction, it is true. Somehow, through the course of my life, God has chosen to connect me with many people who have had to deal with sexual issues - either as a childhood victim, or as an adult who is fighting the battle over sexual addiction, pornography or homosexuality. I've met scores of victims of molestation, women whose husbands choose porn over them, and men who are attracted to other men. I didn't ask for this - in fact, I doubt there are many people who would sign up for this kind of "ministry." Bu...

The day after my birthday is always a little anti-climactic... probably because I anticipate my birthday so eagerly for several weeks, wondering what I'll get to do with my day, and awaiting the presents with relish. I love my birthday. Always have, always will. I think part of the reason I look forward to my birthday so much each year is because of the celebratory atmosphere my Mom always created for our birthdays. Only on that special day did we get a box of Pop Tarts and our favorite sugared cereal - for me it was always Lucky Charms. From the time I woke up until the time I went to bed, I knew it was a special day. I felt celebrated and cherished. And I still want my birthday to feel that way. So did it? Yes! I got two bouquets of flowers, tulips from my dear friend Betsey (who moved to Illinois last year) and one from my boss Kathy and my co-worker Ann - a gorgeous mixed bouquet with gerbera daisies and daffodils. Flowers are always good. The kids bought me two DVDs... the Bes...

It's my birthday. So in celebration, I'm going to post thirty seven random happy memories from my thirty seven years on earth. If you get bored around number twenty, you're more than welcome to leave. But I'd be happier if you posted one of your favorite memories from my thirty seven years in the comments section. That would make me really happy. Okay, here goes. This morning when K. came into my room and said "How do you like your eggs? Scrambled or cheesy omelet?" The summer I spent in California with my brother when I was sixteen. It was the last summer he was single and we spent our weekends together enjoying all that Southern California has to offer... very fun. Sneaking into the senior lawn in the middle of the night with all my high school girlfriends to spray paint a huge "87" on the lawn. We had to take ladders to get over a huge covered outdoor hallway - so sneaky and fun. Sleeping on the beach in San Diego with my friends Paul, Corey and A...

I've been thinking lots today about a couple of things. I'll post about one now. And the other, well, that's another day, since I'm not sure I've come to any conclusions that are worth sharing. Creativity is an interesting animal. I know I'm creative. I've known it my whole life. From elementary school when I was writing songs and poems, to highschool when I was the queen bee of painting spirit posters and making up cheers, to my craft show days and the hours I spent quilting as a young pregnant wife. I need to create. Its in my bones. It's a part of being a child of the Creator. I love the thrill of taking a pile of stuff and making something that wasn't there before. Lately though, I've been struggling. I get paid to create. And then to teach others to duplicate what I've created. I often feel guilty about this. Because I don't really feel like what I have to offer is anything worthwhile. After all, if people are just cloning my designs...

So today we had K.'s Bootcamp birthday party. What a perfect theme for fifth grade boys! I can't begin to tell you the thrill it gave me to see all these squirrelly little prepubescent lads doing their best to please their sergeant. It was hilarious and sweet. The sergeant is a true army drill sergeant who spent 15 years training recruits. Now retired, he teaches fifth grade at our school - so he knows these boys well. He knows how to keep them busy and he knows how to tease. He was the perfect combination of scary and funny and intimidating and entertaining. All in all, it was a perfect party. K. and one of his best friends decided to get army style haircuts before the party. I think we cut at least five inches off of K. - his hair had gotten SO long. Every penny I spent on that silly party was worth it for the haircut alone. We had fun taking mid-cut pictures of the boys with classic bald-rings... so funny. I love these boys - who are still young enough to sit and the floor a...

For those of you who are wondering, Elvis is alive. He wears a macrame belt and no underwear, but he's alive. And he's creepy. Las Vegas was overwhelming and exhausting and exciting. Did I mention overwhelming ? First of all - let's talk about sensory overload. Never before in my life have I seen so many lights, smelled so much smoke and wonderful food, observed so much activity, experienced so many things trying to get my attention or been around so many breast implants. What a completely unique place Las Vegas is. But then, add to that the fact that I was at a HU-FREAKING-MUNGOUS trade show with more scrapbooking supplies than I've ever imagined and you can maybe begin to understand the brain overload I'm trying to recover from this morning. I'm still in my jammies, slowly trying to re-acclimate myself to the blissful peace and quiet of my home. Second, I have to mention the thrill of the free stuff. I have this weird hoarding mentality - if I see a basket ful...