thoughts from the deep recesses

So yesterday I was totally in a funk - all day. I got up, watched Good Morning America for updates on the gulf coast, then proceeded to mope around the house all day. I'm determined to make my existing tank of gas last for at least a year, since I keep hearing reports of gas going up to $4.00 a gallon in the very near future, so I didn't want to leave the house... it was ugly. I can be very hermit-like at times. Darn those silly kids who need me to get off the couch and make them food, and the house, which requires cleaning and care. Left without these kinds of responsibilities, I could be one of those strange women who holes up for days with nothing but a can of quick oats and her television (or laptop). I can sit in a room alone in total silence for hours, just being. I don't know if that makes me weird. It probably does. But either way, I don't have the luxury to indulge my weirdness, for I have responsibilities, and that's probably God's sovereignty at work,...

Today I got a phone call from an old friend from the ex-church. How sweet to touch bases with her, find out how her life has been these past months, talk through some of the hurts that only someone else who was left in the wake of this church storm can fully appreciate... just hearing her voice brought tears to my eyes, since our friendship is yet another casualty of the barrage we've had to endure. She left the church several months before we did - and I've only seen her once since last fall - just enough time for a hug and a quick "how ya' doin?", knowing full well that neither one of us could answer without an emotional breakdown, and so choosing not to answer at all. I'm so sad that because of all these sucky church leaving circumstances, I have lost numerous casual friendships. That unless I make real, significant time kinds of efforts to maintain these friendships, I will most likely never see many many people I've come to love dearly. And that reall...

It's the last week before school starts - and boy, am I celebrating!!! I have enjoyed my kids a ton this summer, and it's gone SO fast, but I am completely ready for them to go back to school. This is the first time I will have all three in school - E. is off to kindergarten this year. He'll be there half days MWF and all day TTh. I can't even imagine how I will fill the time. I tend to be really stingy and indecisive when I get time to myself, but maybe with it happening every day I'll learn better how to manage it... we'll see. I do plan to get back into my room and create my little brains out... I've got so many projects in my head that need to come to fruition... We're cleaning house this week. I've got the kids going through the basement play room, digging out toys to sell at a garage sale this weekend. We're in totaly purge mode... ready to start the school year with an emptier house and a little more space... I really want to do a whole-ho...

(That title is purely in an effort to entertain Lorraine, who apparently thinks long blog-post titles are funny...) This is our good friend, Ryan jamming with E. & S... we stopped by his house (a TOTAL bachelor pad) on our way over to the coast a couple of weeks ago. We haven't made it over to visit him since he bought his home and wanted to be able to picture him on his couch when we were talking to him on the phone. For those of you who don't know, Ryan lived with us for six months in the winter and spring of 2003. It was totally a God thing, how he came into our lives. He and Asia met in the bathroom at work - Ryan was getting his Master's of Social Work and was interning at the office, and within weeks, he was living in the spare room off our kitchen. Sounds strange maybe to people that don't really do the open home thing we've always had going on... but Asia and I have had numerous opportunities to have people live with us over the years and when you know...

To be completely honest with you, sometimes I sit down with my laptop to write and my brain is utterly void of interesting thoughts. I'd venture to say I've been sitting here for 5 full minutes trying to think of something to post. I seem to do well with lists though, so maybe I'll just start one and see what happens... I have four stars on my calendar, which means I've done my workout every day since I got it. Good for me! K. broke my piano bench yesterday - he was break dancing in the living room, knocked it over and it hit the pedals, splintering the top layer of wood on the seat. I'm pretty ticked about it. It's a very old piano and there's really no way to fix it. All I can hope it that he's the one who gets splinters in his butt when he sits down to practice and that S. and I are spared from that fate. We are in the beginning stages of planning a remodel in our kitchen. We had our first meeting with our contractor yesterday. I'm excited about h...

Anyone who knows E. knows Lovey Bear... The only one of my children to embrace a stuffed animal (or blanket or other such "security" item), E. has slept with this guy for almost five years. It's been quite awhile that I've been worried about Lovey's condition. I used to wash him regularly - E. would suck on his ears and then get upset when they dried all crunchy and hard, so into the wash he would go. He would always come out all fresh and soft... but I had to stop washing him for fear that all that tumbling would cause permanent damage. His tags, which have been the most 'soothing' part of Lovey, have been rubbed together every night as E. fell asleep, creating a tiny hole near where they're inserted into his left leg. Lovey has become the definition of threadbare. He is SO worn out - if he got a bigger hole in him, there would be no way to sew it up - there just isn't enough fabric to work with. With this in mind, I told E. last night that we w...

No, I'm not going to bore you with my weight issues... that's what my five year old said to me this morning when I told him to put down my set of dumbells... Yes - I have dumbells, and I know how to use them. I used them last night, believe it or not. See, I came home from vacation to a stack of mail that included a DVD I had ordered - "Walk off the Weight" with Leslie Sansone. The name of it makes me cringe and the idea of owning an exercise video is borderline repulsive to me. I see them all the time at garage sales, testaments of high hopes and failure to follow through. But, I bought it, and now I'm going to use it. You should know - I am not a person who likes to exercise. I am completely a person who begrudgingly forces myself to work out because I know I need to. I began exercising reularly three years ago, complete with a gym membership and a committment to get up early three days a week. I did REALLY well for about two and a half years, partly due to the ...

So, I'm home. Asia and the kids returned Saturday, and I stayed in Portland a couple of extra days for a work related trade show... I'm exhausted after not sleeping well for two nights. Why can't vacation ever end with a refreshed feeling? We did have a wonderful time at the beach. We were blessed with lovely weather - typically fickle and very coast-like. We had lots of cool mornings, thin wispy fog, some downright hot afternoons and a little drizzle. I sucked in the cool air with relish... (no, not the pickle kind, sillies, the appreciation kind) and took lots of long walks on the beach. Asia bought me a laptop - I didn't really see the need for it, but I'm thankful. It's very fun. I think it will be especially nice in the winter as a lap warmer. I'm not very verbose today, I'm afraid. I'm truly more tired than I remember being in months. Perhaps tomorrow I'll wake up refreshed and full of delicious words to share with you. Oh, and I should pu...

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go I'm standin' here outside your door I hate to wake you up to say goodbye Okay, so we're off in about an hour and a half. I've got the kite, the puzzles and games, the magazines, the camera, the books, the flip-flops and swimsuits, the snacks and the real food... I'm good to go. Couldn't sleep this morning - I always wake up early when I'm leaving to go somewhere. There are always lists running through my brain. I also really wanted to come write before we left and I knew if I didn't do it before Asia was up, he'd look at me through his eyebrows like I was wasting time when I should be doing something... We'll meet up with K. there, of course, since my brother and his family will be meeting us there. He's been so cute this week, calling at least once a day, even though he really doesn't have much to say. I've missed his silliness and his big boy presence... he's working so hard to ass...

I've had quite a lazy week - luxuriating in only having two kids at home, taking whole afternoons to read (I know more about Peter Pan than any of you, I'll bet), reminiscing about old friends and daydreaming about my trip to Europe when I'm 40... it's been divine. However, today, I must put my nose to the grindstone. I'll be at the store for 8 hours, and then I must come home and pack my family for our annual beach trip... I feel like I've already been on vacation this week, so it's like a slap in the face to have an agenda forced on me today. I LOVE the beach trip though and can think happy thoughts as I pack shorts and swimsuits and magazines (oh, how I LOVE magazines) and books and pen and paper and food... our week at the beach is as close to heaven as I can imagine. Okay - I really gotta go now. I need time to stop and get my latte before I open the store...

Okay, you've taken the time to come see my blog today, and now I'm sending you elsewhere so you can read this amazing tribute to friendship, written by my oldest friend - she is an amazing writer and reduced me to a blubbering emotional "tears of happiness" wreck this afternoon. Go - go now and read. http://www.epicmx.com/x/index.php?module=v4bJournal&func=journal_view&uid=32&mode=detail

Asia was surprised to find me up and running this morning when he got out of the shower. Usually he's trying to say goodbye to me when I'm still in a sleepy stupor. He prays and I hear him, but I'm really just wishing he would be quiet and leave so I can get a few more winks in before the kids wake up. He asked why I was up, especially because I got into bed so late last night... I responded simply with "My brain is full" And full it is. After my three hour marathon catch up session with Corey last night, I read her entire blog, searched the library online for book recommendations she gave me, read and read and read my bible, prayed (dang - the kids just got up) and then finally rolled into bed around 1:30 - and immediately fell into peaceful sleep. I am invigorated this morning. Some random thoughts I've processed in the half hour I've been awake: the house is FINALLY at the perfection mark of 70 degrees. It is my daily goal to start off these hot summer ...

I sit here completely overwhelmed by the simple grace of God. Somehow, in this year of hurt and disappointment and questioning many of the things I have believed with all my heart for decades, God has stayed by my side and continually given me exactly what I needed. Sometimes this comes in the form of self-revelation, for in showing me the depths of my depravity, He also shows me the richness of His love. So many times, I see in the eyes of my children tiny reflections of how I must hurt Him when I strike out at others. I hate this part of myself - the wicked, lashing out that escapes me before I even recognize it's presence. And yet, also in my children's eyes, I see grace - for they love me so much and are so quick to forgive. Other times His grace is revealed to me in laughter. Little bubbles that pop surprisingly into my day, relieving the pressure that has been building. I experience this most often with Asia, as we are beginning to see humor in things that only brought pa...

So I picked up a book at the library that I had seen at Barnes and Noble recently. I thought it would be a good book for K. to read, so I was planning to bring it along to the beach house for him. I opened it up last night to see "how it read" and whether I thought he would like it. Let's just say I was up too too late reading - I'm totally sucked in and can't wait to get my hands on the book again today. It's called Peter and the Starcatchers, and is a prologue to the Peter Pan story we all know and love... in it, Captain Hook is called Black Stache, (he hasn't gotten his hook yet) and Peter hasn't discovered the magic he possesses... I'm totally immersed in the world of pirates and talking porpoises and treasure chests... Mmmm I LOVE a good book. I love summer and the freedom to lose myself in a book... the kids (the two who are here) are playing together famously and I should be able to read all afternoon. What more could I ask for?

I'm putting this handsome young man on a plane today. All by himself. It's only an hour flight. He's ten years old, and has told me NUMEROUS times "I can handle it, Mom." But he's just a baby... Take good care of him, Steve and Lorraine. Don't let him sit in front of a screen the whole time. He is used to a snack at 10:00 and 3:00. If he gets a headache, he can take one ibuprofin. He's really really funny - but if you let him know it, he'll repeat whatever he did to make you laugh eight thousand times. You've been warned.

Over the weekend I found myself in a major FUNK. The reasons are many, the excuses lame... Hot weather, a bad church visiting experience (complete with puppets), kids who spent way too much time in front of screens, hot weather, (yes, I know that's a repeat), a messy house, hormonal fluctuations, feeling FAT, roots that desperately need to be colored... I was a mess all weekend and poor Asia bore the brunt of my bad mood. I woke up this morning determined to work it out. Some people would go for a run or work out at the gym extra hard. I wish I were one of those people. My smooshy tummy wishes I were one of those people... at least I could burn calories while I dealt with my angst. But no - I have to be a creative type... so while I didn't burn any calories (or any more than I do sitting here typing), I did create. It's therapy to create - especially if I create something that leaves a little piece of myself behind. That's what I did. I took a quote that I've had tu...

So I was tagged more than a month ago by another blog writer and because I couldn't get in to read her site for weeks, am just now responding... (For anyone who doesn't understand tagging, it's when someone who blogs does something on their blog and then challenges you to do the same thing on yours...) If you go to http://www.kellywell.org/date/2005/06/page/2/ , you can see Kelly's answers to these fun questions. Here are mine: Three screen names I’ve had: I'm pretty stinkin' boring on this one - I always use either cathyandasia or Chatty Cathy. The Chatty Cathy comes from Mrs. Lenhard, a childhood friends' mom who always called me that. They had a piano, but nobody at their house played, so whenever I would go over to their house, she would say "Oh, Chatty Cathy, play me a tune..." I dreaded playing Mrs. Lenhard a tune, but I always did it. Three things I like about myself: I think I'm pretty funny (at least I can really crack myself up... ), ...

For those of you who do not know me well, I am not a person who over-analyzes things. I'm pretty standard Carson stock, who take things as they are and don't spend a lot of time pondering or soul-searching. However, lately, with the whole church leaving episode we find ourselves in, I'm forced to evaluate my life in a new way. The truth is, the hardest part about looking for a new church is the whole prospect of having to deal with that big sanctuary full of strangers. Because as awful as it sounds, I can't imagine having the energy to get to know any of them. I am at this stage in my life where I am not hugely dependent on people outside my family, and the friends I already have (from the church we left) are plenty... I just don't know where I would fit a whole 'nother group of people into my life. Asia and I are fortunate enough to have a ministry in our home to several young couples... people who stop by often to share meals and just hang. We believe God has ...

Okay, so it wasn't too hard to figure out what I was going to do with my new cabinet... turns out record albums are the same size as 12 x 12 scrapbook paper, so the album dividers also serve as the PERFECT paper storage for ALL my cardstock and printed papers... Check it out... could it possibly be more perfect? I think not. And for you silly people who think I've got room to spare, that's just because I haven't had time to sort and organize the printed papers yet - they'll more than fill those open spots at the bottom... For a natural-born organizer, this is sheer heaven.